BIL who molested me as a preteen/teen is dying

[CousinIT]

I feel badly for my dear sister but him...well I'm feeling some kind of way about that. He's a scoundrel who sucked the life out of my sister for 50+ years. I can't afford to go see her as this is happening but her children are there and my older brother will be there (he's retired - I'm not yet).

I have been calling her regularly and will continue to do so, hopefully get a Zoom chat or some such over Xmas.

Her Christmas will be a grim one, but we are all rallying around her, as is her church, which she participates in regularly as she is very religious. She's a good person but is a RWer and bigoted, sexist (ie: abortion etc) as they are. But I do feel for her losing her man of 50+ years. She is not one who likes being alone.

As for him, I don't want him to suffer either. I'd not wish that on anyone. He is getting the drugs needed to pass peacefully with her and his son/daughter around. But, I have no feeling about his passage. Indifference about that abounds, knowing what a scoundrel and bloodsucking vampire he was to her over the years. I know she's heartbroken but she may be better off without him.

I guess I'm a nasty person for that. I do love my sister though she is MAGA, she would be there for me if she could, so from a distance I'm trying to be a moral support for her as I am able.

But that scoundrel of a spouse of hers....just....emotional radio silence. The man is a dirtbag. My sister deserved MUCH BETTER.

[TSExile]

1. *HUGS*

[CousinIT]

3. Thank you.

I'm quite OK. My sister...I dunno. What saddens me is that she deserved better and now her best years are gone.

[Think. Again.]

18. No...

...it sounds like maybe, with your guidance, better days for her may still be ahead?

[CousinIT]

27. I am hoping that without his MAGA brainwashing...

…she’ll use her own common sense and some changes may result. Hope springs eternal!

[hlthe2b]

2. Heavens. I can really appreciate the conflicted feelings but it sounds like you are trying to

do what you can for your sister, despite all that has happened. Not sure what else anyone could ask of you. I do hope that you can be at peace also, once he is gone.

[CousinIT]

7. I have learned to live with the fact that..

...she didn't believe me when I told her what he was doing (actually my Mom told her as she was mad as hell when she found out). My sister of course asked him and he denied it. She chose to believe him. Jesus, I was 9 - 13 damn years old. I had no idea for several of those years what sex even was or why this man was doing what he was - but I did know it was wrong and I felt shameful and dirty.

That - that will never be resolved. She is who she is and he is what he is/was. Speaking of which, I deserved better from my sister too and we both deserved better from that monumental useless turd she married.

But...whatever.

[Ziggysmom]

19. He should have been prosecuted for statutory rape! Your sister married that POS? Amazing that

you even speak to her, after she sided with him and did not believe you. I'm an only child and have no idea how sisterhood works, but I know if I were you, I would definitely piss on his grave after he goes.

[CousinIT]

26. Yes he should have been prosecuted. And I was not his only instance ...

..he was caught with other underage girls and put moves on adult female family friends as well. As I said, a scoundrel - a rat. She could have done so much better. In a few ways.

[kimbutgar]

4. I had a nasty brother in law who used to put me and my husband down

The last time I ever spoke to him was 2013 when he called my autistic son retarded. He was there the day he was born and when he said this to me I said that it with me and him. I still spoke to my sister until he died in 2017 when I came over after he died to comfort her and saw him dead. Inside I was so happy!

So don’t feel bad but be there for your sister when he dies. And feel good he is burning in hell for what he did to you!

[CousinIT]

9. Yes I have been trying not to be happy ...

...about his demise - and mostly I'm sad for her but there are moments.

[MadameButterfly]

14. ok to be happy about the passing of an abuser

You have no repsonsiblility to be noble here. While your sister may mourn, he wasn't good for her and she couldn't let go. Now she is free. i'm glad she survived him and has a chance to be her real self without his influence.

[redqueen]

5. No, you are not a nasty person. You are human.

You don't need to feel anything about his passing. It happens to us all, it's simply a part of life. Focus on your sister. If it were me I would try to just forget about him.

[CousinIT]

10. Thank you. Good advice.

I'll take it!

[MorbidButterflyTat]

6. I'm so sorry.

You are not a nasty person, and you are not alone.

[WhiteTara]

8. my advice?

Find some great dance music and turn it way up and dance like no one is watching.

[CousinIT]

11. Hmm....Have a one-person party.

That may be the ticket! Disturb the neighbors. BooYa the bastard is dead!

[BOSSHOG]

13. Kind of on topic

In my will, I’ve allocated money for a family barbecue, nothing but loud Jimmy Buffet music, lots of dancing and lots of lies about me. I don’t think this will happen soon. I’m kinda old but kinda healthy. Best I know, no one in the family has had a problem with me. Be happy I was here, not sad cause I’m gone. And don’t dare go near a church relative to my death. Hug a friend. Hug a stranger.

[CousinIT]

25. That sounds awesome! I hope they do exactly as you said.

Would be a celebration of your life, as it should be!

[petronius]

12. I don't think you're a nasty person at all. IMO, the fact that you're so reflective

and conflicted about this makes you a better person than most...

[pandr32]

15. My hat's off to you.

It would be a difficult task to remain supportive and reverent under the circumstances you spoke of.
Perhaps your sister will appreciate your support and concern for her.
Hugs to you.

[Chainfire]

16. You are holding the high ground. Best of luck through the process.

[JoseBalow]

17. "a good person but is a RWer and bigoted, sexist"

I am unable to reconcile this contradiction

[CousinIT]

22. She is kind and giving to her family (most of the time)

But she has the hate/ignorance issues against LGBTQ, black people, abortion, etc. Sometimes inconsiderately so (against me the only Dem left in the family).

[70sEraVet]

20. My wife spent time this summer with her dying father, who had sexually....

abused her throughout her childhood.
She's a tough woman, in her way.

[CousinIT]

23. Wow. It is sad to see them sick, old and feeble..

…..even if they were shits earlier in life. It’s a detached sadness yet indifference that happens (at least for me) - no love is there.

[people]

21. You sound like a . . .

saint to me! Your family is so lucky to have you.

[CousinIT]

24. I wish they thought so!

But I don’t think they do! Thank you.

[essaynnc]

28. I'm so sorry for your sense of loss......

And I really understand your mixed emotions.

Fortunately, it's not your responsibility to care for or even mourn the death of someone who has wronged you so badly.

If you continue to support your sister, and you stand with her in her time of sadness, loss, and need, you are by far a better man than your BIL.

Stay strong.

[Joinfortmill]

29. My God, you are a wonderful person...

Especially, under the circumstances. Much better than I would be, that's for damn sure

[LoisB]

30. You are not a "nasty person".

I don't see any rule that says you must have sympathy for someone who violated you and who it sounds like was not a very nice person to your sister because that person is dying. Support your sister and don't give him another thought.
Just my humble opinion.

[Warpy]

31. Loving your sister despite her MAGA politics shows you're a better person

than you think you are and a better one than a lot of my cousins who haven't spoken to the 2 MAGAs the family produced (out of 22 of us, 20 are Democrats) in years.

It's understandable and perfectly normal to feel relief that he's finally no longer a risk to you or anyone else. Mourning him is not your job.

Your sister has a 50% chance of either blossoming or withering away. She's going to need support starting a few weeks after he does the world a favor and goes on to his appropriate reward. Everybody will be gone, there will be no more plans to make, and she'll be trying to figure out the rest of her life without him. That's when she'll need laughs and maybe chocolate.

[canuckledragger]

32. There's nothing bad about calling out people for exactly what they are

...based on their own words and actions.

NOT acknowledging what they are after they've proved it is what causes a lot of the trouble.

My family is nothing but a bunch of alcoholics/addicts and their enablers, and I was their scapegoat for when consequences came their way. I cut them out if my life long ago. They proved to me long ago what they are, and will never change, I'll never be an actual member of the family to them let alone a human being.

Mentally, financially, emotionally, etc, I'm all the better for NOT having them in my life, and not acknowledging what they are is what causes so much trouble for me in the first place. Let them pout if they can't handle truth and accountability.

/Rant off.

[CousinIT]

34. I don't blame you. I have alcoholics in my family too and would not tolerate that

I may end up cutting myself off from the lot of them anyway because they are all MAGA except me. Earlier this year, I let them have it over family chats where all they did was try to get a reaction out of me by talking politics. Told them to cut it out or else I’d cut them out. My Mom had recently died - she was a Dem and the only one left. That left me with a passel of MAGA bullies. Until I laid down the law. They talk their politics in another separate chat and leave me out of it. It worked. So far. Things have been civil since. My alcoholic brother can’t help himself at times but I won’t engage his white male superiority complex. He thinks everybody but himself is an idiot - especially females - and that his political & other opinions are something that everybody else must hear and know - because they are superior (in his mind).

So…I feel you there!

If all this means I die alone rotting in my house by myself then so be it. Are we to live lives suffering with assholes so we won’t die alone? I don’t think so.

[ArkansasDemocrat1]

33. My sister and I didn't mourn, we felt relief.

We don't even know where he is buried.

[CousinIT]

35. The pedophile is gone

Time for a toast:


And a dance:


OK I'm done. BYE, you

[Goddessartist]

36. His time has come.

Have a fabulous day CousinIT!

[CousinIT]

37. I plan to.

I will call my grieving sister but secretly, I'll be church lady dancing all damn day.

[Goddessartist]

38. Yay!

I love to dance when I'm happy!

[niyad]

39. Huggggs. You are not a nasty person. Your feelings, or lack thereof, are yours,

and you do not have to account for, or explain them to, anybody. The fact that you are so concerned for your sister shows what a good and caring person you are.

[CousinIT]

40. I am disappointed she married that shit

She should have known better. But even as he lived like a king and she did all the work in that relationship/family, I had to remind myself that she CHOSE that. Ugh.