BREAKING NEWS: Trump announces he needs "ten to twelve months" to properly mourn mother-in-law
Last edited Tue Jan 16, 2024, 12:28 PM - Edit history (1)
Former President Donald Trump, currently running for the Republican party nomination for President in 2024, announced today that in the wake of the recent death of his wife Melania’s mother Amalija Knavs, he will need a period of at least ten to twelve months in order to “appropriately mourn” his mother-in-law’s passing.
“My mother-in-law, Am-m-a-lee-jee-a Ka-ka-novs, was once a beautiful young woman from the nation of Slovakia, located in the Baltic Peninsula in the furthest reaches of Asia,” Trump remarked at a recent campaign event in Keane, New Hampshire. “Then she got old—really, really old—and no longer beautiful at all, and because of that, now she’s dead. And that’s a horrible, terrible thing, when women get old and not beautiful. So, I’m going to need some time to process that in the best possible way I can, which is to spend my time here in front of you making America great again and not wasting it sitting inside any courtrooms for any phony witch hunts.”
Trump said he would not actually be pausing his campaign, but rather that he had merely asked his attorneys to file motions with all courts in which he currently has criminal and civil matters pending, asking to stay proceedings indefinitely in order for him to “deal with his crippling grief.”
“Before she died, and while she was so, so, very old, Amanka—that’s what we all called her, Amanka—told me, ‘Sir, don’t let that Unspecial Prosecutor Jack Smith or Sleepy Joe or those crooked Judges and those haters and loser RINOs keep you down, sir,’” Trump claimed. “She told me, ‘Sir, if I do die, my death is on their hands. Avenge me, sir—avenge me by winning the election in the greatest landslide this country has ever seen!’”
Trump said he would be celebrating the life and legacy of his mother-in-law “Amelia” by traveling the country to places such as New Hampshire, South Carolina, Alabama, Arkansas, California, Maine, Colorado, Iowa, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia and other states, and proclaiming the one message that she most strongly believed in, which was that “foreign immigrants from abroad were poisoning the blood of our country.”
Trump also said he needed time to visit his mother-in-law’s grave, located underneath the maintenance shed at the Trump National Doral Miami golf course, where he states she was buried according to his wishes and pursuant to “ancient Slobanian tradition.”
Trump warned that should any presiding judge deny his motion to stay proceedings, it could “send him into the depths of deepest despair,” which could only be remedied by visiting his wife’s ancestral homeland.
Sources close to the former President stated they later observed Trump asking his attorneys whether the country of “Solaria” had an extradition treaty with the United States.
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Nicely done. 
...Trump is only one year younger than her.
required to perform that calculation.
You, sir, are on fire today. 
... that the fucker is so ridiculous that I'm 5 paragraphs in before I realize its satire. 
be held accountable in the courts of law.
Brilliant!
We should roll back, for this special case, to where 'asylum' meant a -nice- place to store lunatics:
and now i'm wondering where *his* parents are buried! dun dun dun.....
Considering he spent 10 to 12 minutes on Ivana's passing.
