Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

[Nevilledog]

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2024/05/royal-caribbean-cruise-ship-icon-of-seas/677838/

No paywall link
https://archive.li/5JxWE

Day 1

My first glimpse of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optical nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the fwd, or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

*snip*

[Drum]

1. Thanks for this!

[Sympthsical]

2. This is hilarious

[Biophilic]

3. Just what I feared a cruise would be.

I have a couple of friends who swear by them, but even when they are telling me their stories they don't sound like fun. Good thing I've never had a yearning to cruise. A million or so years ago, ok 1965, I crossed the North Atlantic on the S.S. Rotterdam (the old ship). That was fun, I was a student amongst students and young people off on the start of an adventure. I suspect the it was about the same size as the life boats of the Icon.

[edhopper]

19. Basing cruises on this monstrosity in the Caribbean

is just wrong.
I have been on many cruises in many parts of the world. Norway, Alaska, South Africa, the Baltic, even Antarctica.
They have all been on much smaller ships going to great places. NEVER drunken party boats in the Caribbean.
There are places that a cruise is the best way to see.
This ship is an anomaly, not the norm.

[cilla4progress]

26. Viking?*

We are going on their ocean cruise around G Britain this fall.

We aren't stereotypical "cruise types," so hope we like it!

*limited to 950 passengers, no one under 18, no waterslides, casinos, etc.

[edhopper]

30. Viking is good

they usually don't charge for the excursions. And a cruise like this will be mostly port days with little sea time. And on those sea days you will probably sail past some great scenery.

Everything you heard about Caribbean Party cruises are the opposite of this.

I take it it's this cruise
https://www.vikingcruises.com/oceans/cruise-destinations/baltic/british-isles-explorer/index.html?startLocation=bergen&endLocation=london&year=2024#search/sfym=2024-9&sftcm=british-isles-explorer

Looks wonderful. And starting in Bergan! Wonderful little city. Make sure you go early for some side trips to the fjords.

[cilla4progress]

35. Thank you!

Will look into this!

[CTyankee]

28. You are right. Atlas is so much better. My second voyage with them is at the end of this month.

We're leaving from Nice and going to ports in North Africa. We'll be flying back from Lisbon.

Our first trip was wonderful. The food was exquisite. Our ship companions were interesting, well educated and well traveled folks. We had love of music, art and wonderful cuisine in common. Nobody was drunk, loud and/or obnoxious.

[edhopper]

32. Sounds great

we just did South Africa last Dec-Jan.

And I love Lisbon, what a great city. Hopefully you are staying there a bit before coming home. You have to have the Paste Da Nata pastries.

[CTyankee]

36. Yes, I have been to Lisbon and enjoyed the food enormously in the past.

My first trip there was with a group of women we called "The Six Broads Abroad." We were going to support a mutual friend who had lost her husband several months earlier in a freak accident. It was memorable for the camaraderie of several women "of a certain age" that just had to somehow take breaths together...

[Hekate]

4. Incredible article. The author vividly portrays his journey through Dante's Inferno...

[chia]

5. Great read, start to finish. I went on my first and only cruise pre-Covid, and have no desire for another.

The excess, the waste, are nauseating. The work lives of the staff are overwhelming, I talked with many who assisted me, learning their names, where they were from, what their lives were like. They told me who was waiting for them at home, after their 6 months was up. I don't know if they're happy for the money to send home, or if they feel as exploited as they seem to be, to me. But I tried to show them that I saw them, and appreciated them, they weren't someone to look past unless I needed something.

The excess, the consumerism, the frantic and hyper feeling all the time, 24 hours a day... it was exhausting. It was like Americanism in funhouse mirrors, on one of those tilt-a-whirls at the county fair.

The only upside: it was a cruise to Alaska, and I saw ocean and icebergs and glaciers that I'd never have seen otherwise. So there's that.

[qwlauren35]

6. I may do one more cruise

But I prefer a bus tour. I like to read, so being on the bus doesn't bother me. But there is more excursion than bus, and that's my preference. I'm on the boat for the excursions, not for the boat. Last time I went on a cruise, I read between excursions. The boat offered little of interest. If the stage entertainment was midday, that would have been better for me. I'm not a night person.

I would like to see the Western Caribbean, so that might be a cruise I would take, but mainly, I want to see Puerto Rico and Martinique, so hopper planes might be better.

[A HERETIC I AM]

7. At some point I am going to take a cruise, but I've decided it will be ....

on one of the lines that has ships with no more than 1000 passengers. Preferably fewer than 500.

I have no desire to go to sea on a fully booked, ocean going version of the Las Vegas MGM Grand.

This outfit has ships with less than 200 guests;

https://us.ponant.com/

[Warpy]

13. That monstrosity sounds like hell on earth for me, too

Friends who have taken river cruises in Europe have enjoyed them greatly--lots of variety,as local cuisines change from port to port, smaller boats with fewer people. The cruises were short on glitz, so the Vegas crowd wouldn't like them much.

He should have realized his luck on getting that inner stateroom suite, staring at all that damn water gets old fast. I know about that, I lived on coastal New England. In addition, those sea view cabins are cantilevered out over the hull, something that would probably make me never want to look out of one of those windows.

I think the only way to survive one of those Vegas showship cruises surrounded by Middle America is hammered, and I can't drink alcohol and I'd get busted for my stash of edibles in Florida.. No happy, peppy overcrowded cruise ships for me.

[A HERETIC I AM]

22. LOL...

Getting edibles on board might be a problem! Not to mention having to pass the inevitable random drug screen when I get back to work!

I wish I could look forward to the days when I wouldn't have to worry about such things, but alas, I'll have to drive till I drop dead! I've spent pretty much every dollar I've ever made and there is no inheritance waiting for me.

The best I can hope for is a decent salary on a reduced workload that pays the bills and the majority of the Health Insurance and a Social Security stipend to help with the holidays and all the rest.

But come hell or high water, I'm going to do an Antarctic/Drake Passage journey, if it's the last thing (literally) I do.

I'll rack up the $100K plus of available credit I have and eat a bullet when they come to collect!

[Delphinus]

16. Well,

this seems more my style - thanks for the link!

[edhopper]

20. I would recommend Alaska or Norway

truly spectacular scenery that can only bee seen from a ship.

[A HERETIC I AM]

23. I've looked into both

The link for Ponant line I put up above as well as others offer voyages into the Fjords that are really appealing.

I love the idea of a small ship with less than 100 guests. And I'm more than willing to spend $1500 a day or more for the experience.

[edhopper]

24. Look at Azamara

small ships, more casual and less expensive than the high end lines.
Their Norway cruise is good.

[CTyankee]

29. Try Atlas. I think you'll find what you are looking for.

[ProudMNDemocrat]

31. On our voyage to Autralia in 2018 on RC Explorer of The Seas....

Was just the right size of a ship for a 21 day voyage. Loved it.

15 decks. We were on the 10th Deck with the Fitness Club, the main Dining Room just above us. Comfortable cabin with a king bed, virtual window, decent sized bathroom for showering and washing a few things to hang dry, I learned my way around before we left the port at Seattle.

A lovely voyage with stops along the way to the Hawaiian Islands, Fiji, Vanautu, New Caledonia, then Sydney Harbor. The on ship movies, entertainment, the food, mini-golf, mini-shopping mall on the 4th deck, etc., were amazing. Watching outdoor movies at night on the Pool Deck was like being at the Drive-In while at sea. The evening sunsets over water were some of the most beautiful I had ever seen.

My husband has no desire to travel by ship again. But I am game.

[snowybirdie]

8. Wonderful!

Hilarious and so true. Used to like cruising but ships got too big and crowded and too full of diseases. This captures just why we don't anymore.

[surfered]

9. Sounds terrible.

Venice, Barcelona, Tahiti, Grand Cayman and Amsterdam have banned these large vessels from their city centers. Other cities have reduced the daily number of cruise ships.

[Lonestarblue]

10. I looked up a photo of the Icon of the Seas. What a nightmare of design!

No way would I ever board such a ship. I’ve been on a few cruises I’ve enjoyed, but they had fewer than 300 passengers (riverboats). That’s enough for me.

[GenThePerservering]

11. "51, old and tired"

sure.

The article is as turgid as the cruise and a bit of a tryhard, so I guess it's OK, but who the heck doesn't know bow from stern in anything, and calls the stern the "ass".

[shrike3]

12. Now I know how to make my husband hate me.

Take him on a cruise. (I have no intention of making him hate me, full disclosure.)

[muriel_volestrangler]

14. An homage to the periodic table. On ice. It's true!

‘Starburst: Elemental Beauty’ in the new oval-shaped Absolute Zero ice arena is an artistic interpretation of the periodic table of elements, featuring high-speed choreography, digitally mapped backdrops and energetic lighting displays.

https://www.cruiseandferry.net/articles/royal-caribbean-unveils-new-entertainment-for-icon-of-the-seas

I really thought that could have been authorly exaggeration.

[Delphinus]

15. I appreciated

reading that so much as I am not someone who will likely ever go on a cruise.

[localroger]

17. In the 1990's my wife and I were comped several cruises on the Enchanged Capri

That was an actual ship, with a modest capacity of 550 passengers, and little to distinguish it at a distance from any other small ocean-going vessel meant to carry people as opposed to freight. It had amenities like a movie theater, weight room, and several bars, but all were small and actually kind of cozy. The weight room and one of the bars were on the roof of the main cabin, reached by an asphalt walkway from the nearest steel stairway. One could go up there and simply be alone and look at the incredibly dark and starry night sky. There was a casino, also tiny. The shore excursions were not too expensive, not hard to access, and quite a bit of fun. But it was as big as it needed to be and once it was decommissioned and gone I knew I would never want to go on one of the giant barges that were being made to carry multi-thousands of passengers. Because the Capri had been designed as a ship first and a cruise vessel second it had nooks and crannies where one could simply watch the ocean glide by without people parading by all the time. They simply don't run boats like that any more because they aren't profitable enough.

[nini]

18. I used to love cruising but the glory days are over

This guy touched on just about everything that is wrong with cruising these days, including those disgusting new ships.

[FakeNoose]

21. Screenshot

Ummm, no thanks! However the author of this story is Gary Shteyngart, a very worthwhile read!

[electric_blue68]

47. Rather extreme! 😄 😕 Definitely not for me

[Pluvious]

25. Very entertaining read !

Great snarky writing, with a veiled subtlety

10,000 people for 18 lifeboats

LOL

[marybourg]

38. It looks like an upside-down catamaran.

[Marcus IM]

27. My daughter is a lawyer in Miami. NEVER GO ON A CRUISE!

That's her advice.
Her firm represents RC cruise lines.
Rapes and assault and injury are common on every cruise.
Then, there's the corona viruses.
And the extreme pollution.

I won't go on.

[CTyankee]

34. While that was a trauma for your daughter, for sure, you can't say it happens frequently on all cruise ships.

We are elderly, therefore vulnerable. We felt utterly safe and we're thrilled with Atlas Cruises. Our Mediterranean voyage was uplifting, relaxing and just wonderful. We used a travel agent who obtained tickets to museums for me in Barcelona and special needs for help with all aspects of our ship and land visits.

We are sailing with them again later this month, from Nice to North Africa, back to Spain and leaving for home from Lisbon. Our agent has provided guides and special visits to museums for me.

[cilla4progress]

37. CTYankee -

have you ever traveled with Viking?

Sorry if you've already shared this and I am not recalling!

[CTyankee]

39. No. The only voyage I took was a misadventure -- a trip down the rivers of France that was plagued by bad weather.

It rained day after day and the rivers got too high for the ship to pass under the bridges. We then had buses to take us to the towns we missed and were refunded $500 per passenger. I was VERY unhappy with that arrangement, but what can you do?

[cilla4progress]

40. Viking?

Thanks.

[CTyankee]

41. No. It was Road Scholar, a nonprofit offering travel to seniors.

https://www.roadscholar.org/

For seniors who want a learning experience. I took several trips to Europe with them. Always had interesting, nice, and well educated seniors on our trips.

[cilla4progress]

42. Oh yes, I know of them.

Sounds like the trip was a bust, though.

[CTyankee]

43. In a sense, it was. You definitely missed the atmospherics of the experience.

But the $500 was something, at least. There are just some things you can't predict ahead of time. If you feel you can't handle that sort of thing perhaps you shouldn't travel. Stuff happens

[cilla4progress]

44. Yah..

Kind of the essence of adventure. Lacking predictability.

We traveled to Scotland last Spring with a Rick Steves tour. We disappointingly contracted our first bout of covid a couple days in - likely on the flight. We came home immediately. They refunded us $200 each for each missed day.

We have now picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and are doing this Viking ocean voyage this Fall. Double-masking on the flight over!

[CTyankee]

45. Had you already gotten the Covid vaccine? I ask because we are old and will need extra protection which I am willing to

get.

[cilla4progress]

48. Oh, multiple.

The last one (5th?) a few weeks before our trip!

No one was masked in the airports, and despite all our previous caution, we got a false sense of security.

[Ocelot II]

33. This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I've read some of Shteyngart's other writings - he's a very funny guy, and this is a brilliant description of the sort of "adventure" you couldn't pay me enough to undertake.

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure, and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja, I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting, natürlich. But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts. If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

Gotta read the whole thing - a truly hilarious description of one of the lower circles of Hell.

[mike_c]

46. my wife has been on several cruises

She tells me I would hate it.

[Nevilledog]

49. River cruises look interesting to me. Not these gigantic floating amusement parks.