When a complete stranger calls you "Dear" in a political discussion, how do you take that?

[LakeArenal]

This discussion thread was locked by EarlG (a host of the General Discussion forum).

[Ocelot II]

1. As condescension and a portent of mansplaining to come.

[Model35mech]

46. Yes, a verbal of a pat on the head of a 'crazy' but done by all sexes imo

[Peacetrain]

2. Personally, it might be an age thing..but I take it as a term of endearment..

oops.. message did not take.. but people call me dear all the time..especially younger people..

[kimimer]

65. I'm a 75 year old woman and often call friends and strangers "hun."

I think of it as a general term of endearment and wouldn't think of using it when speaking to someone I actually didn't like. I don't think of it as being gendered. I suppose it's a habit but also serves as a crutch when I can't immediately recall a name. I've never had anyone respond negatively but if I learned it was offensive, I would try to avoid using it.

[MarineCombatEngineer]

67. I'm 76 years young and I'm of the same mind as you,

I guess it's a generational thing.
I would think that, as a country, we have much more important things to think about.

I just don't get the outrage.

[Peacetrain]

75. I think it might be apples and oranges here MarineC

I was just thinking along the dear ones too that younger medical people especially tend to call me.. but reading some of the comments I think they have a disagreement with a specific person, not the general use of dear. As my Dad used to say.. call me anything you want.. just don't call me late for dinner

[MarineCombatEngineer]

77. I think you're right,

and its pretty obvious who that specific person is.
The strange thing is that the comment that prompted this thread had nothing to do whatsoever with the topic of that thread.

Just too many thin skins IMHO.

[Peacetrain]

71. I'm a little older also.. and it is usually the young nurses at my Dr.s office

or the hospital... definitely a dearie to them. sigh.. I think I did the same thing when I was their age with the older people.

[Attilatheblond]

80. Yes, and we must cut them some slack

So many of those young people have trouble remembering names

[Srkdqltr]

82. I feel the same way. Depends on the context and tone. I dont mind, particulary when they dont know your name.

[MarineCombatEngineer]

3. I don't take in any way,

there are much, much more pressing issues than that in our country and the world.

[obamanut2012]

4. Condescending and exist

I also have never liked one specific poster calling people gendered titles. They have no idea what gender we are, or if someone is tarns, NB, etc. I myself am NB, and even after asking a few times over the years to quit being called one specific honorific, they still do it. I am being misgendered, and when I have said anything, I get kinda attacked. So, I have given up.

I saw the "Dear," and it was pretty bad. I said something but never went back to see what was said to me about my nicely calling it out.

[LakeArenal]

5. I find it minimizing as well.

[Croney]

18. Oh I'm glad it's not just me. They haven't gendered me yet, but

if they do, they'll get a piece of my mind.

P.S. Your post has 14 recs including mine.

[obamanut2012]

20. Yup, the poster has been misgendering me for years

So, there si also that along with the condensation.

[emulatorloo]

48. Dear is gender neutral as far as I know. But totally get why Dear is offensive.

While I don’t mind it, it is a pretty personal.

I’m from the South, so that’s why I don’t mind it I guess.

[orange jar]

93. Oh, that's very icky.

Refusing to use preferred titles and/or suffixes for someone who has openly stated they are non-binary & use gender neutral pronouns is a form of bigotry. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

[demmiblue]

113. I have that blowhard on ignore.

[Blue_Adept]

6. It's a sign of disrespect and condecension

And having just seen a bunch of it in another thread, it reinforces what kind of people should be blocked around these parts.

[Attilatheblond]

81. While many may always take it that way

it is NOT always meant that way. One shortcoming with social media is that we don't see the other's face and are therefore limited in what we perceive from the written word. Sometime context gives clues, but not always. Our personal filters and preconceived notions might have at least as much to do with our own response than just the words.

[Blue_Adept]

89. Which is why it's best to err on the side of caution and not use it

unless the person knows you well enough to know what you mean.

[sarisataka]

7. I have been called worse

I have to ask why people are automatically assuming the person calling another "Dear" is male?

Personally, I would suspect more than likely the person identifies as female.

[obamanut2012]

22. Because we know the person is a male

And, it was not used as an endearment.

[sarisataka]

23. I wasn't referring to any DU poster

IME "dear", "sugar", honey" etc. are words used by older women.

Perhaps your experience is different.

As for DU posters, something tickles the back of my brain but I won't repeat another's statement unless I am 100% sure.

[Celerity]

74. You are trying to bait (by calling them 'cowardly') the poster you replied to into breaking TOS. Not a good look.

[obamanut2012]

111. I have been in meetings

So missed the post -- thanks for playing defense for me!

[Celerity]

112. yw obamanut

[PatSeg]

25. I've known many women who used the term "dear"

in a condescending manner to both men and women. It definitely isn't just men who do that.

[sarisataka]

31. Context is everything

I've had such directed at me as terms of endearment, condescendingly and as a simple pronoun replacement.

[PatSeg]

37. Same here

I've also known some arrogant women who would use "dear" in a condescending fashion. Supervisors toward employees or women with money talking to a waiter or store clerk.

[BootinUp]

8. Is this about a du discussion?

[Fozzledick]

15. Looks to me like a thinly veiled attack on The Magistrate for opposing terrorism

coming from here: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100219028323#post59

And here's the shocker that set it off: https://www.democraticunderground.com/100219028323#post4

[Biophilic]

19. Interesting. My immediate response was it was condescending, until your comment.

That's just the way the Magistrate talks. So much for knee jerk responses. I guess it matters who, when and about it's about. Thanks.

[PatSeg]

34. It still comes across as condescending

being not everyone knows how he talks.

[happybird]

43. Have never seen the use of Dear from that poster

only Sir, Madam, and Ma’am.
Those are respectful honorifics.
Dear is not unless you are speaking to a child or your partner.

[consider_this]

45. Maybe s/he has adopted it as a gender neutral option...

For his/her typical greetings on here?

[AZSkiffyGeek]

55. That was my thought NT

[Rob H.]

66. That poster, iirc, was gone for quite awhile and then returned

Judging by the tone and wording of their posts I'm not sure it's even the same person.

[GusBob]

72. I think its the same poster

What's changed is the Gaza business has gotten a burr in their saddle I reckon

[Patton French]

50. You are exactly right.

And it’s not so thinly veiled.

[MarineCombatEngineer]

58. Oh I don't think its thinly veiled, its pretty much transparent.

Just my opinion

[JoseBalow]

100. Oh, I thought this was about our dear CaliforniaPeggy

I find it... endearing

[Sky Jewels]

104. Lol.

"Opposing terrorism." More like an evidence-free attack people who are protesting Israel's mass slaughter of tens of thousands of Gazans.

[Patton French]

57. It definitely appears that way.

Some people have a difficult time seeing obvious fallacies pointed out.

[Mossfern]

9. Doesn't bother me

[FreeState]

10. Depends on who it is and why

If the stranger is part of my community (LGBTQAI+) and they aren’t hitting on me or being condescending it does not bother me at all.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

11. Depends on the context. But if I'm in a political discussion with someone, they're not a stranger.

[Oneironaut]

12. I would think they were a sexist asshole.

What they’re doing is telling you they think your opinion is “cute” or whatever. It’s so annoying.

[Blue_Adept]

13. It's incredibly infantalizing

Whereas calling someone "sir" doesn't have the same kind of negative connotations.

[Oneironaut]

17. Ugh. I absolutely hate this at work too.

Guys - Please do not call your female coworker “sweetie,” “dear,” “darling,” etc.

Just no…

There are no pet names for men. They are respected by default.

[emulatorloo]

49. Dear, Bro, Dude, Pal, Bud, Buddy, Man, Friend, Brother etc.

[Oneironaut]

108. Difference is none of these are infantilizing.

Also, men do not call each other “dear” from what I’ve seen.

It’s very much different. Most of these signify a level of respect, vs. terms men use for women - dear, sweetie, darling, etc - things you would call a child.

[emulatorloo]

115. "You mad, bro?" is a phrase that seeks to belittle.

As does calling an enemy “buddy” or “friend.” All depends on tone.

Of course YMMV!

[hatrack]

84. Unless you're a Big Strong Man With Tears In Your Eyes and say "sir" . . .

Then again, I have reasonable grounds to believe that no such Big Strong Men exist. Problem solved!

[LakeArenal]

94. ❣️

[Bettie]

14. Depends on who the person is

for me, it's usually been an older woman, so I accept it as part of their usual speech pattern.

It is also about context.

So, reactions may vary based on circumstances.

[CTyankee]

16. Not well. But no one has said that to me in a very long time. If they know me, they wouldn't dare...

[ismnotwasm]

21. Makes me laugh, quite literally

As does “sweetie” “darlin’ “, “honey” ect.

I’m a bit of a cold fish anyway, and I’ve been on the internet as soon as I could, so I usually don’t get bothered by implications or insults. I love using a Socratic approach to people—it can calm the argument down, and sometimes open a real conversation.

What a long strange trip it’s been, social media, you know?

[Bayard]

27. Umm..... It's definitely a Southern thing

If you go into a restaurant, retail store, etc., you can expect it. Its not meant to be demeaning, or a slur, or sexist, just normal conversation. I find myself doing it these days.

There's not enough nice in the world already. I'm speaking in general terms. Politically, I'm usually not that nice.

[ismnotwasm]

42. Oh for sure

I’m talking about that internet condescension people try to do. It’s just funny

As far as terms of endearment, I guess I’m as guilty as anyone

[emulatorloo]

52. Absolutely in the South. I grew up in Texas, so My experience too.

[BootinUp]

97. Agreed. Nt

[republianmushroom]

24. It PO's me and that person is trying to placate me.

I inform them that, No, I'm not your dear, that is the person are you sleeping with whom ever.
End conversation.

[cyclonefence]

26. As an invitation to call them "Honey"

[Joinfortmill]

28. Depends on the context. It can be condescending

[rsdsharp]

29. Ted Williams called me dear once.

I didn’t mind, and I’m a guy. I got his autograph, though!

[Irish_Dem]

30. It depends on the way it was intended.

I try not to take offense unless the speaker's intent was to cause offense.

[Dave Bowman]

32. It is very condescending.

And sexist as hell. Especially when done on purpose.

[AnrothElf]

33. I guess it depends on which side of the debate I'm on.

If I'm on their side, then I take it as a term of endearment.

If, on the other hand, I'm dedicated to spamming the world with pro-Hamas propaganda and whataboutism, I'd probably take offense.

[Fozzledick]

39. That does appear to be the real issue here.

[ananda]

36. Isn't that precious, bless their heart.

...

[Elessar Zappa]

38. I guess it depends.

I’m a male so generally it’s only elderly women who call me “dear”. I don’t really mind but I imagine a woman being called that by a man would take it (rightfully) as condescending.

[hunter]

40. I never know if someone loves me or hates me until they kiss me or stab me with a knife.

Minor condescensions are invisible to me. It's an autistic spectrum super-power. Until they stab you.

An older woman called my wife "dear" the other day, after my wife had extended her some small courtesy, and my wife smiled and life went on cheerfully.

I've also seen my wife shred people who've called her "dear."

Anyone who called my grandmas or great grandmas "dear" in a condescending manner was putting their own life at risk.

[PeaceWave]

41. See the 2022 movie Vengeance...In Texas Bless your heart means Go F yourself.

[Midnight Writer]

44. I probably wouldn't even notice. It certainly would not cause concern or offense.

It's pretty common where I come from, along with "sweetie", "honey" or "hon", "darling", "Dear Heart".

I got over being offended by strangers decades ago. What's the point? If they get under your skin, what do you gain?

Usually I choose not to chase the bait. It is often best to just refuse to play.

[keithbvadu2]

47. It depends on how it is said, not necessarily what is said.

You can praise your worst enemy with flowery terms and dripping sarcasm.

You can cuss out your best friend in words and he knows the true context is just the opposite.

[Raven123]

51. I say "well darling ....."

[mahatmakanejeeves]

53. It's a lovely day (here). Turn off your computer. Go outside for a walk. There are bigger things to worry about. NT

[WhiteTara]

54. I'm being dismissed and that I'm being mansplained nt

[TheKentuckian]

56. Something meta to cry foul about when a weak argument goes poorly?

[Ponietz]

68. OP is passive aggressive

[Maeve]

59. As a challenge to destroy them

[SarahD]

60. Right back atcha, honey bun.

[Arne]

61. You are a deer.

Stay outta the road.

[malaise]

63. I correct them

Last edited Wed Jun 12, 2024, 03:23 PM - Edit history (1)

politely the first time. - the second time I let them know that ai am not their dear.

True story - I’m in a food line at a fish restaurant and a young man calls me baby doll. I looked around to see who he was addressing because I could be his grandma and then told him I was not a baby doll,or his baby doll. He said it was a compliment. I told him it was actually disrespectful since I could be his grandma. When he received his food he turned around and said bye bye grandma and apologized. Some men just men simply don’t know better.

[Celerity]

87. Sis, was he drinking a bottle of Front End Lifter when he called you baby doll?

[malaise]

88. Bwaaaaaaah

It’s a common term in these parts

[Celerity]

90. Tear Drawers, Brek Down Bed, Tan Pon it Long, such cray names for Irish moss drinks, lolol

[malaise]

91. Yellow Man was a riot

😀

[LuckyCharms]

64. I haven't read this entire thread...

but in general, when a man calls a woman "dear" in any situation, he should make damn sure he says it exactly right, with the right honorable inflection in his voice, or that man is going to have a bad time.

In other words, never call a woman "dear" unless you are genuinely humble and sincere about it.

[JoseBalow]

105. Does it count if you're writing them a letter?

Attention Prudence...

[NanaCat]

69. I tell them I'm not their bloody spouse or relative

So stop treating me like one.

[Scrivener7]

70. I once got a hide for saying, "That's nice, dear."

But that was during the time I was being dragged regularly for saying the DOJ wouldn't try the vile thing before the election.

I'm not dragged for that much anymore.

[Fla Dem]

73. Depends how and why it was said.

If said with no malice or sarcasm, but simply as a friendly acknowledgement, then no problem.

If said sarcastically with an intent to belittle me, then I would probably fire back. Or depending on who the person is, give them an incredulous, wide eyed look, shake my head, turn on my heel and walk away.

Overall. I try not to let minor incidences rock my boat anymore. It's really not worth it.

[CousinIT]

76. CONDESCENDING. n/t

[GreenWave]

78. If they have a hunting rifle perhaps they meant "deer"

Time to fight back with my antlers.

[jaxexpat]

79. You give them the bill, of course.

and recommend a generous tip.

[Mike Nelson]

83. Oh, dear...

... I think age is a big factor. I have seen it used sarcastically, though. Also, married people call each other "Dear" - like honey, sweetheart... on TV, the Beaver's parents called each other "Dear" all the time.

[LakeArenal]

95. When Mr Lake says "Yes, dear", it's not a term of endearment.

When I call Lindsey Graham “precious” I don’t mean it as a compliment.

[ultralite001]

85. Just don't call me Shirley...

?si=oi6Qoz6G36dgoaWI

[whathehell]

86. I generally take it as patronizing. n/t.

[DiverDave]

92. Context is everything

I don't care if they call me "dear". But tone and context can change the meaning.
At 67, I don't put up with people that use the terms in a negative way.

[BannonsLiver]

96. I'm going to start using it regularly now

Thanks for the idear!

[LakeArenal]

99. Not surprising at all. Have your fun.

[Sky Jewels]

98. It's a way to put you "in your place."

[LakeArenal]

101. I agree. Like "little woman".

[Sky Jewels]

102. on edit: nevermind

has been covered here

[wryter2000]

103. It depends on who says it and how

And older person might use dear. On the whole, though, I think it's a sign of disrespect.

[elleng]

106. Ignore,

as might be taken either negatively or positively.

[Akakoji]

107. Tone of voice is more important. Also, doesn't mansplaining imply it's being done by a man?

Does the gender identity of the person using a specific word matter? It's about tone, and when the word is used. And whether or not they are using the word - or a similar one - such as babe, bay, darling, hun - throughout the conversation, or solely when it becomes obvious they disagree with you. The expression "Oh, dear" is a sure indication that someone is responding in an emotional way, but is that always a negative thing? it might be indicative of commiseration or even resignation.

[obamanut2012]

110. What if it is a man, one who doesn't actually know you?

[eShirl]

109. I think, "I'm not your spouse."

[Emile]

114. It's condescending. People who do this should stop!

[canetoad]

116. Twist his goolies

Until his eyes water.

[TlalocW]

117. When someone gets snarky like that

Not necessarily calling me dear since I'm a guy, and I'm sure they would find that weird, I find that referring to them as Junior sets them off.

[EarlG]

118. Since it turns out that this OP is not an "innocent" question

but is intended to call out a specific member of DU, I'm locking it. Please don't start threads to call out other DU members.