Spurious News: RFK Jr. to ban iodized salt!

[jmowreader]

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- President for Life Elect Donald Trump chose quackery crusader Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as his Secretary of Health and Human Services in order to "make America healthy again." His stated beliefs, such as his anti-vaccine stance and his rabid promotion of raw milk, seem at odds with this claim.

Today's announcement further reinforces the belief Mr. Kennedy has a different definition of "healthy" than the one in the dictionary.

"I'm banning iodized salt," he announced in a post on Truth Social, Mr. Trump's personal social-media platform. "There is no science suggesting introducing hazardous chemicals like iodine into our bodies does anything for us. By removing this dangerous substance from the American diet we will go far toward MAHA."

Mr. Kennedy does not plan to grandfather in this ban by allowing the iodized salt currently in stores to be sold or in homes to be used. "By January 25, 2025, the United States Army's 101st Airborne Division will fan out across America to seize, at gunpoint, all the iodized salt in people's homes and in stores. It would be unethical to allow this dangerous product to continue to be used."

"Mr. Kennedy is right in that the science doesn't 'suggest' iodine does anything for us," said Centers for Disease Control researcher Natalia Eisenach, MD. "The science comes right out and says it: iodine is absolutely crucial in the human diet. Iodine deficiency causes many diseases, the most famous of which is goiter. I can't figure out why he wants this. It surely can't be on economic grounds; iodizing salt costs the salt manufacturers next to nothing, the salt costs no more in stores than uniodized salt, and the flavor of both salts is the same."

The commander of the 101st Airborne Division, Major General Brett Sylvia, was astounded when he heard the news: "He wants WHAT? No. That can't be right. Not only is it insane to expect the Screaming Eagles to go door-to-door carrying loaded rifles in search of salt, it's illegal. The Posse Comitatus Act prohibits us from acting against the American public. Even if I could order my soldiers to do it, I wouldn't."

[WarGamer]

1. Thanks for adding Spurious News to your headlines so people don't have to open the thread mistaking it for reality

[Celerity]

9. and as I absolutely expected, people are already acting like it is real and not satire

[WarGamer]

10. then we'll shake our heads together and go pour a glass of wine.

[Celerity]

16. Domaine du Vieux Telegraphe - Telegramme Chateauneuf du Pape 2022

[Polybius]

18. A lot of us don't know what "Spurious" means

A better headline would have replaced "Spurious" for "Satire."

[Celerity]

21. The very first sentence begins with 'President for Life Elect Donald Trump', & there is no link, which are 2 clear clues

Also, I truly hope most on here do know what 'spurious' means.

[Polybius]

24. I completely missed the "President for Life" part

Most may know spurious, but a decent amount of people don't.

[RandomNumbers]

22. I'll excuse ESL* folks, but that's it

If you're old enough to read this site and your first language is allegedly English, it's far past time to know what the word "spurious" means.

Especially given the last 8+ years we've lived through in this country.

*English as a Second (or 3rd, 4th, etc.) Language. And for y'all, nothing like the present to look up "spurious". You're going to find that word quite useful, sigh.

[Polybius]

25. I'm still leaning new words all the time

Honestly, it's not really my fault since no one around me uses the word. I never read about it either (before today).

[RandomNumbers]

26. Okay, and considering it's a holiday weekend

and maybe you're just a young 'un
I'll cut some slack here.

But there has been so much spurious shite going down the last 8 years, it really does surprise me that it's not a better known word.

[Polybius]

17. Well it didn't work for me

I thought "Spurious" was the name of the news outlet.

[LeftInTX]

32. Lol!!

[LeftInTX]

31. Based on the headline, I would have thought it was

real.
It seems like something RFK Jr would ban.
Seriously, he probably will.

[vapor2]

2. Guess we'd better stock up

[jls4561]

3. I guess the Rethugs will now be billing themselves as the pro-goiter party.

[Tribetime]

4. I can't believe this is the real world we're living in

Every other country in the world is laughing at us

[Aussie105]

5. That brain worm sure did a lot of damage!

There is no iodine added to salt, it is one of these: potassium iodate, potassium iodide, sodium iodate, and sodium iodide.

Next he will ban salt, because it contains sodium! (No it doesn't)

I guess the worm ate his brain, the part where some limited science knowledge was stored.

Maybe lead drinking water pipes will be on his radar next?

Conundrum: he talks like a duck, thinks like a duck, but isn't.

[jmowreader]

12. Naah...

He'll ban it because it contains chlorine.

[TheRickles]

29. I did a student rotation in occupational health at a factory that used asbestos in its products.

The doctor-in-chief oriented the new employees by telling them that there was nothing to worry about. After all, he said, table salt is made from two deadly chemicals (sodium and chlorine), so if that's a safe compound, then a little asbestos in the brake linings that you're shaving down to size is nothing to worry about. This was in the late '70s, so hopefully things have changed there (Norton Abrasives).

[LeftInTX]

34. What?

And cyanide comes from safe elements: Carbon and nitrogen. Add some hydrogen and you get cyanide gas.

[TheRickles]

36. I know. But I was too intimidated as a mere med student to say anything - it would've been interesting....

[GP6971]

42. Well hello!! Kind of late for you isn't it?

You're still in time to take advantage of our Manager's Special Pizza. For a limited time, we're offering a complimentary wine spritzer to go with your pizza. Oh...and please continue to generously tip our driver and as always, please complete our online survey to tell us how we're doing!!

[ForgedCrank]

6. This guy

really is a true nut. I'm amazed that he has a following with all the crazy stuff he says.

[vapor2]

7. WTF?

[oldsoldierfadingfast]

8. I realize...

that this is Spurious News; but just in case he is a DU lurker, let's not give the Nut-case anymore stupid ideas than he already has. LOL
Wonder if he knows anything about chemistry.

[RandomNumbers]

23. It's Spurious but indeed the tag is needed in this case.

It does sound like exactly some sh*t he would come up with.

[DFW]

11. One should instinctively realize it's satire because...

Neither Trump nor his friends manufacture goiter.

[Dem4life1234]

13. He is concerned with the strangest things

The orange tub of lard just had to bring this nutjob druggie in, didn't he?

He knows nothing about good health.

Oh why oh why did the Kennedy curse have to take his uncles, cousin, and father and bypass him?

Why doesn't the nutjob just go on and ban H2O and call it a day, it's a chemical, too!

[womanofthehills]

15. give us a link - I never heard of Spurious News and nothing comes up when I search for that website

[LeftInTX]

30. It's satire

[Igel]

20. Meh, more halogenophobia from him.

Such anti-Group-VIIA attitudes must be overcome.

[madinmaryland]

27. They'll have to pry the iodized salt from my cold, dead hands.

[madinmaryland]

38. Snort! I see the Ace Reporter, Mike Bond, strikes again!

[LeftInTX]

33. Next on the list: All rabies vaccines!

Go Spurious News!!!

The scenario!! Old Yeller HDX, the Sequel!

[SWBTATTReg]

35. I'd like to ionize him. Strip away all of those ionized electrons/atoms, and perhaps it might make him better?

Idiot. He still shows or acts like he's got massive damage to his comprehension, mental abilities...

[mysuzuki2]

37. Only the best people...

[flamingdem]

39. This ahole wants attention so badly

It will get worse!

QUACK!!