BREAKING NEWS: FBI unveils new Bonginomobile protection vehicle for agency's deputy director
Fresh off announcing that he will be receiving a 20-agent team of around-the-clock personal bodyguards, the FBI announced today that it will be awarding its Deputy Director Dan Bongino with yet another on-the-job perk: his very own company car.
The agency stated that Deputy Director Bongino will soon be provided with what has been dubbed the “Bonginomobile,” a heavily modified Rezvani Hercules 6x6 armored and reinforced truck for the FBI’s second-in-command officer.
Persons within the agency state that the Bonginomobile will serve a multitude of functions in both protective and crime-fighting capabilities.
“For someone who has always been so defensive about his own personal image, it’s just as important that the deputy director be allowed to be as offensive as possible,” one senior FBI official stated. “The Bonginomobile has been exclusively designed for that very purpose.”
Bongino--a former New York police officer and Secret Service agent turned vocal Trump-supporting broadcaster--was appointed to the FBI Deputy Director position post in February by President Trump.
Besides its fully ballistic composite armor body shell, the Bonginomobile will also feature a rear tack dispenser, electrified door handles, magnetic deadbolts, blinding lights, gas masks, hypothermia kit, hidden radiator, and Kevlar-wrapped fuel tank.
But perhaps the most notable feature of the Bonginomobile might be the eight-foot-tall bulletproof glass turret fully encapsulating the truck’s bed where Bongino himself will be able to stand and surveil the situation around him without any fear of attack or assault.
When pressed, the FBI insisted the need for the Bonginomobile was “1000% justified.”
“Deputy Director Bongino faces any number of serious threats to his personal safety on a daily basis,” FBI press secretary Christina Pullen remarked. “Terrorist cells. Organized crime. Hostile foreign government agents. Members of the mainstream media. Social media commentators. Singer-songwriters—I can go on and on listing the types of people who would wish to inflict the worst type of harm on this dedicated, America-loving civil servant.”
Besides its heavy defensive reinforcements, the Bonginomobile will also be fully weaponized in case of any attack against its notable occupant. The truck is designed to hold six sub-mounted M2HB Browning machine guns and one top-mounted PRSL-1 rocket propelled grenade launcher for anti-tank purposes.
Additionally, while not currently a feature of the Bonginomobile, the vehicle can also be adapted to carry a battery of up to four SLAMRAAM short range surface-to-air missiles for threat deterrence.
The FBI envisions Bongino utilizing his vehicle for any number of uses.
“Transportation to and from critical crime scenes, public parades, midnight runs to Walgreens, what have you,” Pullen listed. “The bottom line is that this is going to be Dan’s toy to play with, and he’s going to be allowed to do as he sees fit.”
One particular novel plan for use of the Bonginomobile is that Bongino himself will travel around the country in the vehicle to personally patrol streets against what he believes to be the most critical threats against the nation’s safety.
“Pretty soon, Dan’s going to be cruising down your street in your town and he’s going to be standing tall inside that glass tower, making sure that the worst of society does nothing to ruin your day,” Pullen said. “Criminal gangs trafficking fentanyl, human smugglers, illegal aliens being illegal, deep staters threatening the rights of our brave January 6th hostages—all of you thugs out there better watch out for Dan and his Bonginomobile.”
And the estimated price tag for the Bonginomobile? A cool $80 million, sources say.
“About the cost of one F-35 Lightning II fighter jet,” Pullen noted. “The base model jet, mind you. Not the ones with all the bells-and-whistles. That would just be way over the top, right?”
DETAILS AT ELEVEN
= new reply since forum marked as read
just like Bongino. 
instantly tells all that it is satire
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