I've had a death in the family. I am in a little bit of a quandry.

[Coventina]

For those of you who have been following the story of me and my MAGA dad.....

He called me last night.
A cousin died, and his memorial "service" is in two weeks (the 27th).

At the time, I agreed to go and to possibly carpool with him, his wife (also MAGA) and my brother (not MAGA).

This might sound horrible, but I just don't feel safe. I don't want to carpool. I want to drive myself, so I can get the hell out of there if I have to.

I'm not even sure I want to go at all. The guy who died was also MAGA, so I don't exactly want to celebrate his life.

I'm going to have to talk it over with my brother. He hates Trump, but he has a higher tolerance of being around MAGA folks than I do.
Things are getting scarier every day. I just don't know if I can trust my family anymore.
Not that they would stuff me in a bag and send me to El Salvador, but they could make me really miserable.
And, with the way things are going, they might "turn me into the authorities" on a later date if I don't say the right things.

I can't believe it has come to this in this country.

[Vinca]

1. At the very least drive yourself so you can get the hell out of Dodge if you want to.

Personally, I'd skip it, but that's just me.

[bluestarone]

17. I agree here.

Coventina, Im just saying i agree with Vinca, but i wish you the best. I would NOT go period. Good luck.

[SheltieLover]

24. Agreed

[BonnieJW]

35. Two words

Intestinal flu. Everyone will beg you to stay away. Tell whomever you phone that you have been on or over the toilet all night. Works every time

[Evolve Dammit]

49. That does work! Stomach flu, "might have covid", woke up vomiting, you don't want to be around me. All good.

[WhiteTara]

2. drive yourself. Do not subject yourself to abuse

you are grown and can make these decisions.

[ZDU]

3. Self-preservation

NEVER put yourself into a toxic situation

[WestMichRad]

51. Yes: first and foremost, protect yourself.

[Karadeniz]

4. I wouldnt go.

[wcmagumba]

5. A "sudden" illness or other life happening might suffice...Heck, all Maga lies to itself daily so what's the harm?

[fierywoman]

19. Say you came down with Covid and can't make it.

But, dear one, if you feel you must go, drive yourself.

[Emile]

6. I would try to find an excuse why you can't go.

[Frasier Balzov]

7. Politics stops at the water's edge.

That's the old adage, which I'm not sure applies anymore.

But it's a good adage for a circumstance like this.

It will take a great deal of self-restraint on your part if others are determined to provoke you.

[LoisB]

8. IF you go, drive yourself.

[Irish_Dem]

22. I agree, if she goes, she must drive herself.

I could make a case that she stay home.

[LoisB]

26. That too. A sudden headache, a forgotten appointment, a stomach ache...

[Irish_Dem]

34. Yes no need for drama, there can be a sudden headache, GI problems, etc.

Extend condolences, make apologies for leaving early due to illness, and leave gracefully.

[LoisB]

43. Exactly.

[Irish_Dem]

44. Yes no need to match the nasty energy.

She needs to enter with dignity and grace.
Leave when she wants with dignity and grace.

[William769]

9. My best advice is this, follow your instincts.

You'll never go wrong. I hate to be blunt the the guy is dead & you didn't see eye to eye so why go to an event that will upset you in a bad way.

[Girard442]

10. If you go, find a way if you can to be with a group of people you feel safe with.

If you can't do that, you probably shouldn't go. Scientific wild-assed guesstimating your age, I'd say you've probably developed reasonably good instincts by now and you shouldn't ignore them.

[hlthe2b]

11. I like the approach of a friend of mine. Memorize and use: "I don't feel comfortable..."

and offer no apologies, further explanations, or excuses. (They already damned well know WHY you don't feel comfortable and if they don't, they never will.)

That can be "I don't feel comfortable" driving with your father and his wife, or it can be "I don't feel comfortable " going at all, or whatever the final conclusion is. But, just don't feel compelled to apologize or explain more. Those are what will have you going and driving WITH your father/his wife, and being more or less controlled by his desires.

This probably doesn't come naturally, but I do think it is--for most-- the right approach to dealing with controlling MAGA family members. Good luck, no matter what your final decision might be.

[SheltieLover]

25. And please don't say "I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable."

You have nothing to be sorry about. After all, you are not the magat here.

Stay safe!

[JI7]

12. Based on what you are saying I think you shouldn't go

[harumph]

13. I would say, go if you agreed already... BUT rent a car or take Uber.

Just say you prefer to drive so you can run some errands afterward. Buy some flowers if you are able
for the dead cousin. Just make up something.

Moreover don't say anything other than pleasantries. If they start talking magagibberish and want you to join in,
excuse yourself. I've got clients that are MAGA and I have to bite my tongue when we meet. You're not
going to change anyone's mind so disabuse yourself of any fantasy like that. Likewise speaking up
in a righteous manner isn't even worth it. Pearls to swine. No specific disrespect intended - but it is
what it is.

[Niagara]

14. I'm sorry for your loss, Coventina

I'm telling you this from my own experience, drive yourself. Don't carpool with anyone who is MAGA. I unfortunately I had an experience with carpooling with MAGA before MAGA was a thing back in 2012.



This has nothing to do with what I typed above but my grandmother died last April. All of my blood relatives are MAGA with the exception of 2 family members.


I stayed to myself for the most part for my grandmothers memorial. No one brought up politics. If anyone does bring up politics, you can leave when you want to, a way to escape if you will.

Please take care of yourself.

[CrispyQ]

15. "This might sound horrible, but I just don't feel safe."

It doesn't sound horrible at all. Definitely drive yourself!!!

You could tell them you've had covid.

[allegorical oracle]

16. Take a deep breath. Drive yourself so you can escape. Ignore everything the idiots

say, get through it, and then pat yourself on the back for being a caring and compassionate person. (Been there, done that.)

[UniqueUserName]

18. Put me down in the "don't go" camp.

You don't like this MAGA cousin. Your father and his wife don't like you -----Yes to some extent they tolerate you. Don't subject yourself to that torment.

[Ocelot II]

20. If it was me I wouldn't go at all, but if you feel obligated, definitely drive yourself.

Funeral attendance isn't obligatory, and if you weren't that close to your cousin you don't need an excuse for skipping it. You don't have to subject yourself to a miserable experience; your cousin, being dead, won't care one way or the other; and the rest of your family doesn't seem to mind tormenting you. So save yourself all the angst and beg off.

[leftyladyfrommo]

64. I don't do weddings and funerals. nt

[Ocelot II]

67. But this is about the OP, who apparently does sometimes,

and is trying to decide about this one.

[TommyT139]

21. Absolutely drive yourself

Having been often the "outsider" at large family events, I will say that you may end up being a lifeline for some who is also there, who didn't have the choice themselves to go or stay home.

If there is someone like that - perhaps a young person, perhaps a just-about-to-repent trumper (or a spouse who's had to put up with it for too long) -- you may each find refuge in each other, and leave the event knowing that there's someone sane in the family line.

That said, driving by yourself means you can leave when you need to, and you should.

[Bettie]

23. You have every right

to take care of yourself. Especially with (gestures all around) all of this!

If that means driving yourself, then do that.

if it means not going, don't go.

You owe nothing to anyone and the dead don't care who attends a gathering.

I hope you come to a decision that works for you.

[Basso8vb]

27. Feeling unsafe is the end of the conversation.

IF you choose to go I hope you drive yourself and I wouldn't fault you one bit if you choose to stay home.

[FarPoint]

28. You don't have to go....

You can send money to a charity in the deceased name.... If asked why you are not coming...tell the truth...the tRump rhetoric is wrong, inappropriate in your opinion and decline to engage with family during a time of memorializing a lost love one.

[yardwork]

29. No advice, but just a virtual DU hug.

It's horrible that decent people now live in fear. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

My MAGA BIL is visiting to see his mom, and I'm so glad that I will be out of town that weekend. I might overlap one evening but I can pack.

It's horrible what is happening.

[ChazII]

30. Take care of yourself. If that means

driving yourself then do so. Grieving puts families into emotional states which I know you know so take care of you.

[PennRalphie]

31. Go to the service.

Otherwise you’re allowing the person you despise stopping you from paying respects to a family member. Go. By all means, go. And speak to your father, his wife and your brother. Family is everything.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

[TommieMommy]

32. I wouldn't go. Why put yourself into a toxic situation. Say you're not feeling well and be safe

Sorry for your loss. 🙏 You can say your good bye in your own way and stay safe

[soldierant]

33. If you carpool, do it with ONLY your brother.

And you certainly don't need to go at all, IMO.

[H2O Man]

36. Recommended.

I always judge going to funerals based upon what best serves my comfort level. In your circumstance, I might consider asking your brother if he wants to ride with you. But I'd let him know that I might leave the scene early.

But I keep in mind what Ringo said by asked by a reporter why he didn't attend a friend's funeral? He said, "I wasn't there when he was born, either." Ringo is a wise man. He didn't owe anyone an explanation -- and neither do you.

[tavernier]

37. Oh dear, was that you I just heard sneezing?

And that rattle cough of yours does not sound good.
Do you really think you should be around people at a funeral exposing them to your germs?? they won’t thank you for that.

[MayReasonRule]

38. Suffering To Demonstrate That One Cares Is A Fools Gambit

Safety first.

Be good to you.

Or you won't be around to be good to anyone.

[TygrBright]

39. Can you and your brother team up and travel together? n/t

[stillcool]

40. Putting yourself in harms way, for what?

the only one that can protect you is you. It's not only what 'might' happen, but the fear and the emotional hangover from the experience can have a lingering effect. If it were me, I'd do the pros and cons and tally up the sheet.

[MLAA]

41. I hear the flu is going around. If you don't want a confrontation, I'd suddenly come down with the flu a few days

before the funeral.

[littlemissmartypants]

42. Send a card then enjoy your day doing exactly what you want. ❤️

[Joinfortmill]

45. Sorry in advance that you have the flu.

[Cirsium]

46. Well founded

Your fears are well founded and completely rational.

If you don't feel safe, if you don't want to carpool, then don't.

You were not close to the cousin and don't exactly want to celebrate his life. You aren't obligated to. Were it me, I would skip the affair altogether.

These are not normal times. Protecting yourself, yes even from family, is important, including protecting your own sanity and peace of mind.

[mountain grammy]

47. Good luck. You'll be ok. Lot's of good advice here.

[Evolve Dammit]

48. We are here, and I'm sorry for your quandary. Your gut is telling you to not carpool and have freedom to leave if needed

[Evolve Dammit]

50. or just not go. Sorry for the add on

[Hekate]

52. Do not under any circumstances get stuck in a car with them. Say you'll drive alone...

…don’t give any reasons or make any excuses. That gives you near-complete control — including not going in the first place, or turning around a mile from your own door.

Hang in there and take care of you.

[Warpy]

53. iIf they are violent, stay home. That has nothing to do with politics

Otherwise, what is your reason for going? Would you go to support people like your dad and family members he is likely fond of? That's a good reason to go. You can concentrate on your reason for being there and go Emily Post on any mention of religion or politics.

If you've got good childhood memories of your cousin, share those. Don't bring up politics yourself and maybe they won't. If they do, just shut them down with "that's not why I'm here."

But yeah, any predisposition to violence, even drunken screaming and face slapping, is a great reason to develop the flu or be unable to get time off from work and just send flowers.

[catchnrelease]

54. With just a few exceptions

I always make sure to drive myself. So I can escape when I'm ready to go. There's nothing worse imo, than being stuck somewhere and not being able to leave. If I have my car keys I'm comfortable that I can do an 'Irish Goodbye' when I'm done with the event.

And you never know when last nights dinner is going to wreak havoc with your digestive tract so you may not be able to go at all!!

[ReRe]

55. Drive yourself.

Call your brother first and tell him carpooling is out of the question, and that he will have to take their parents.

[Blue Ozarks]

56. Take care...

of your mental health by taking your own car.
Leave the gathering when you need to.

I always do and have never regretted it even when my destination wasn’t filled w dread.

Good luck!

[xuplate]

57. Easy fix

I think you are coming down with Covid.

[Ms. Toad]

58. I've got a funeral for a MAGA cousin a couple of days ahead of yours.

My wife's cousin. Her husband died in late December. That funeral was miserable. She contracted COVID just after he died, and despite telling everyone she didn't have COVID, her kids reported she still did. A friend of hers in chemotherapy was sitting right next to her wearing a mask. I went up to pay my condolences and she yelled at me for wearing my mask (forcing her friend who was not mobile to listen to the rant). I hope the friend is all right

Fortunately, her sisters are relatively sane - so I made a quick retreat to hang out with the mostly sane cousins.

And now she's died, so we have another funeral. I guess the good news is one fewer MAGA - so it will be an easier funeral.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself.

[Iggo]

59. Here's what I've done the last couple of times.

Show up by myself.
Sit in the back.
Afterwards, pay my respects to the immediate family of the deceased.
Hug the one or two extended family members who I give a shit about.
Don’t look at or even acknowledge the wingnuts.
Leave by myself.

Life is good.

[mercuryblues]

60. You have an important DR appt 1st thing Monday morning

and you have to leave after the service. Ask your brother if he would like to join you.

[Cha]

61. 🕯️🕊️💙🌈 I know what

I would do.. .. I’d be busy thinking what I would say to get out of it gradually while thinking.. Fuck the Fascist Cult.

[viva la]

62. Yes, drive yourself.

And listen to progressive podcasts the whole way!
We need to protect our sanity for the next 4 years.

[biophile]

63. If you don't feel safe emotionally, do not go

Or drive yourself. Plant a tree or make a donation to an animal shelter in his memory (not honor- if he was a MAGAT, there might have been little honor and honor is usually for the living). I have stopped buying flowers for funerals, I give to worthy causes. Best of luck to you whatever you decide!

[NNadir]

65. There are, in my view, limits to what one must endure for family.

I have a brother (probably MAGA, I wouldn't know) with whom I've not spoken for more than 20 years.

I forgave him stuff many times until I could forgive no more.

I don't know if he's alive or dead, but if I learned of his death I wouldn't go to a funeral if there was one. What would be the point? We were done with each other a long time ago. If he should find out that I've died and show up at a funeral should my wife arrange for one - my wish is that she simply send my corpse off to a medical school without comment, but that would be her call - I've advised my sons as to what snide remarks they should make.

[Rebl2]

66. If you

aren’t close to the cousin, I would not go. I have a lot of cousins, but only close to one of them.

[IzzaNuDay]

68. Ask if there is a livestream option.

There is a growing trend with livestream services. I’ve been to a few when I can’t travel.
But if you don’t feel safe, don’t travel. Under any circumstances.

[progressoid]

69. I went to a funeral of a former colleague before the election

I knew he was a republican but didn't realize how big of a MAGAt he had become. The funeral was a pathetic display of kool-aid drinking.

I regret going.