Spurious News: New pope chosen because of how bad he'll piss Trump off!
THE VATICAN (Spurious News Network) -- It's official. We have a new Pope!
Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost, 69, who has taken the papal name Leo XIV, was born in Chicago into a family of very devout Catholics. A Cubs fan, he earned a math degree at Villanova University in Pennsylvania then his theological degree at the Catholic Theological Union of Chicago. He was ordained as a priest in 1982, elevated to Bishop in 2015, and elevated to Cardinal in 2023.
The choice to make him pope was, according to sources, very easy;
"We wanted a pope who would carry on the good works Pope Francis did," said a cardinal who requested anonymity. "First we went through all the basic items on our list. We wanted a pope who was fairly young so he'd be pope for a long time. We got down to, say, 25 cardinals that we all liked. We wanted one who was fairly well aligned with Francis' vision for the Church's future, and we got 15. We wanted a pope who had worked among the poor, which took us to ten. A few other desires brought us to five, and then we had to think about it for a minute. Finally, the Cardinal of Guatemala threw out an interesting proposition: let's elevate someone who's really going to jerk Donald Trump's chain. After we all laughed for a minute, we thought, why not? After that stupid tweet with Trump dressed up like a pope and his desire to actually be pope - something we'd never have done because Trump meets none of the requirements and is the worst person on the face of the planet - the choice was obvious. Congratulations to Pope Leo XIV. May your papacy be long and successful."