Spurious News: "We don't make tanks here? That's news to us!"
LIMA, OHIO (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump claims to want to "bring manufacturing back" to the United States, but he's particular about what manufacturing he wants to bring back.
In comments he made Sunday in Morristown, N.J. before boarding Air Force One after his 50th weekend golf trip since reinfesting the White House, he said, ""We're not looking to make sneakers and T-shirts. We want to make military equipment. We want to make big things. We want to make, do the AI thing. I'm not looking to make T-shirts, to be honest. I'm not looking to make socks. We can do that very well in other locations. We are looking to do chips and computers and lots of other things, and tanks and ships."
This confused the hell out of America's defense industry, which already does make tanks, ships and military equipment in the US.
"Yes, we make tanks in America," said Sarah Langstrom, public affairs officer for General Dynamics Land Systems. "In fact, we make the best tank in the world right here in this plant." She led our reporter to the production floor where several huge military vehicles were being assembled. "Everyone knows about our famous M-1 Abrams tank, which has fought for the United States in several wars. But do you know about the M-10 Booker? It's a light tank made for Army units, or at least it would have been if that orange idiot hadn't cancelled the contract this month."
Other defense contractors expressed similar sentiments, with Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin, Oshkosh, Colt, AM General, Bath Iron Works, and Austal all confirming that they do in fact make military equipment in the United States. "We export equipment too. For instance, Watervliet Arsenal, New York, is where the barrels for all cannons used in the Free World are made. The only nations who don't use Watervliet Arsenal barrels are the enemy, and we're happy about that."
US-based companies that make what King Donald is "not looking" to make are also unhappy with his thoughts. Said Mary Smith, public affairs officer for Kayser-Roth Inc., "the best socks on the planet are made right here in America, by us. We've been making socks and hosiery for decades, employing hundreds of workers at good wages and because we're so efficient our prices are competitive with any sock maker on the planet. And everyone needs socks. I don't know why President Trump doesn't want socks made in America, but if you want the best socks at the best prices America is exactly the place to make them." MJ Soffe, a manufacturer of another product King Donald wants to offshore, said in a statement that "we're just going to continue to make great T-shirts and other casual wear like we've been doing since 1946 - the same year President Trump was born, by the way - and ignore what he says about not wanting us around. Wouldn't it be better to make these clothes in America out of American cotton and American synthetic fiber, than to export the cotton and fiber to Bangladesh or Vietnam and bring it back to the US?"
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Yes, we make tanks in America," said Sarah Langstrom, public affairs officer for General Dynamics Land Systems. "In fact, we make the best tank in the world right here in this plant." She led our reporter to the production floor where several huge military vehicles were being assembled. "Everyone knows about our famous M-1 Abrams tank, which has fought for the United States in several wars. But do you know about the M-10 Booker? It's a light tank made for Army units, or at least it would have been if that orange idiot hadn't canceled the contract this month."
I doubt the public affairs officer for General Dynamics just called the current POTUS an "orange idiot". Not that he isn't an "orange idiot" ( which is really too kind ), but she wouldn't be in that job if she actually said that.
Of course, the M-10 Booker was named after 2 soldiers, Robert Booker was a private in WW2 who was killed in Tunisia and won the Medal of Honor for charging the enemy across open terrain carrying only his own machine gun and box of ammo... but Stevon Booker was a staff sergeant killed in 2003 in the Iraq invasion... and he was black. Might have something to do with canceling the order. The army has 80 M-10 light tanks in inventory but the future of these is uncertain. Apparently very good at supporting infantry in a trench style war. I wonder where they could be used right now? 
