Watchdog Group Downgrades U.S. From Democracy To Whatever Political System Lobsters Have

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Published: August 6, 2025

WASHINGTON—Describing the shift as a troubling indicator for the health of the nation’s system of governance, watchdog group Freedom House published a report Wednesday downgrading the United States from a democracy to whatever political system lobsters have. “Persistent executive overreach and erosion of civil liberties mean that America now looks less like a traditional federal republic and much more like whatever political label you might apply to a writhing pile of lobsters on the ocean’s floor,” said policy expert Alan Beaumont, who stressed that declines in various democratic indices had reduced the country to a state closer to the underwater free-for-all that could be described as the crustacean’s political system.

“Our nation already passed the tipping point where we might hope to match the deliberative bicameral legislative process of, say, shore crabs. At this juncture, there’s just too much scuttling in American politics to call it anything other than a flawed lobster republic.” Beaumont added that this reflected a broader national trend of democratic backsliding that left the government of places like El Salvador resembling whatever the hell barnacles are doing.

https://theonion.com/watchdog-group-downgrades-u-s-from-democracy-to-whatever-political-system-lobsters-have/

Satire, Kinda

[underpants]

1. Sadly funny.