No Brainworms Allowed - snarky take on recent events with RFK jr and EpsteinGate

[Pluvious]

Caffeinated Dispatches Substack
(Launched 19 days ago)

"Your daily shot of coffee, chaos, and the absurd circus we call American politics."

Today felt like watching a brainworm host body try to cosplay as Secretary of Health while Congress played whack-a-mole with his lies. I almost spilled my latte when Senator Wyden basically begged to swear in Robert Kennedy Jr. because—surprise!—Dr. Wiggly’s favorite Airbnb keeps lying under oath. Naturally, the GOP objected, because why hold the guy accountable when you can just let him turn a public hearing into an Alex Jones audition tape?

Sen. Warner hit him with the softest of softballs: “Do you accept that one million Americans died from COVID?” RFK Jr. squirmed, stuttered, and finally said, “I don’t know how many died.” Oh good, the man running HHS doesn’t know how many Americans died in the largest public health crisis of our lifetime. Next up, maybe he’ll claim polio is just “data chaos from the CDC.” Kennedy isn’t just insane—he’s spectacularly bad at this. He makes Mango Mussolini look like a Mensa scholar, and I didn’t think that was possible.

Klobuchar delivered the steel-cut oatmeal of shade: “When were you lying, sir? When you told this committee you weren’t anti-vax, or when you told Americans there’s no safe and effective vaccine?” RFK Jr., dead serious, replied, “Both things are true.” Spoiler alert: all six of his kids are vaccinated. Apparently, Daddy keeps the good science at home and the bad science on C-SPAN.

Then came Raphael Warnock, who politely but firmly told him: “You are a hazard to the American people.” RFK Jr., flailing, begged to respond. Warnock shot back: “No… I think you need to resign.” Mic drop. Meanwhile, Kennedy’s meltdown hit full volcano mode—red-faced, sweaty, ranting about “chronic disease at 76%” like a man possessed by both Dr. Oz and a defective NutriBullet. An aide even leaned in to tell him to mute his mic and stop breathing like Darth Vader on keto.

Read the rest of the dispatch here:
https://substack.com/home/post/p-172841581

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