Who's Ready For The Rapture? Robyn Pennacchia - Wonkette

[erronis]

https://www.wonkette.com/p/whos-ready-for-the-rapture

You know, it really couldn't come at a better time.

According to a whole lot of people on the internet, and the prophetic dream of one South African pastor (and subsequently many others), either Tuesday or Wednesday of this week could be the day when all of the most faithful Christians in the world get vacuumed up into heaven and leave the rest of us down here to do God knows what. It will coincide with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year — which, I have to say, seems a little rude.

Three months ago, in a YouTube video that has now been viewed over 550,000 times, Pastor Joshua Mhlakela explained that “The rapture is upon us, whether you are ready or not. I saw Jesus sitting on his throne, and I could hear him very loud and clear saying, I am coming soon,” adding that “He said to me on the 23rd and 24th of September 2025, I will come back to the Earth.”

I like that it’s going to be a two-day affair. After all, you wouldn’t want a rush job on the apocalypse.

Since then, many other prophets on YouTube and TikTok have said that they, too, have seen signs and had visions that confirmed to them that this is happening. Like this lady Briana, who is now my everything, whose daughter’s request for Alexa to play songs from iCarly resulted in her hearing this cover the cast did of Diddy and Skylar Grey’s “Coming Home,” which I guess reminded her of how much Jesus loves human trafficking?

Followed with a lot of videos of crazy people who are fortunately going to be swept away.

Still, now that I think about it, this really could not have come at a more opportune time. I mean, just think of how nice and relatively peaceful it will be without anyone trying to force a theocracy on us or force us to have babies against our will. Plus, we’ll pretty vastly outnumber all of the secular misogynist anti-LGBTQ+ folks out there — though maybe not in the UK, where there do seem to be a weird number of transphobic atheists — so that will be nice and peaceful.

Let’s just hope that all of these folks remember to register their pets at AfterTheRapturePetCare.com, so that we can take care of all of their pets. And also to give us all of their money, handbags, shoes and dresses ahead of time — you know, just to avoid creating chaos.

[marble falls]

1. It would be better all around if they just rapture out the worst of the worst.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

6. I vote for a Reverse Rapture

Earthquakes open up hot steaming fissures and the evil and deplorably malign are sucked into flaming pits before the fissures close up and the world heals.

[Norrrm]

2. We have friendly people standing by to help you with your rapture preparations.

Then again... maybe the rapture has already happened... and they are still here... with us.
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How can you tell if the 'end times' promoters are genuine in their beliefs?

Are they accumulating long-term wealth?
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[allegorical oracle]

20. In a different version of this story, one of the helpful people was giving tips.

He advises those folks who expect to be traveling "not to hold onto anything" and just "float free in the air as you're rising."

Wondering if it's like a big balloon release. Could be cool to watch. :

[DiverDave]

24. Well, they could

Put some in my pocket.
Just a small percentage, I'm not greedy.
At least enough to fix a small oil leak in my car.

[3catwoman3]

3. The world would be much better off if all the ChristoFascists disappeared today.

Make that ALL religious extremists.

[jls4561]

4. Wait! Doesn't the prediction say that Jesus will come and rapture up all the true Christians?

We will still be stuck with KKKarloline Leave-it and her ilk.

I, for one, will miss William Barber. If Pope Leo disappears, does that settle the debate once and for all about whether God is a Cubs fan? Of course, God could be a Cubs fan, but Jesus might root for the White Sox.

So many theological questions to ponder….

[bluestarone]

7. Yes, true story. These MAGA's would NEVER be in the

RAPTURE line they think they would be in. ALL elevators DOWN for these monsters. (if i believed in God)

[Bernardo de La Paz]

5. How horrible! Pets won't get raptured! People will be so bored and lonely in heaven

Talking Heads -- Heaven

Everyone is trying to get to the bar.
The name of the bar, the bar is called Heaven.
The band in Heaven plays my favorite song.
They play it once again, they play it all night long.

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.

There is a party, everyone is there.
Everyone will leave at exactly the same time.
Its hard to imagine that nothing at all
Could be so exciting, and so much fun.

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.
Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.

When this kiss is over it will start again.
It will not be any different, it will be exactly the same.
It's hard to imagine that nothing at all
Could be so exciting, could be so much fun.

[jls4561]

10. There's a Twilight Zone episode where a man is told his dog can't go to heaven with him and he refuses to go.

He continues on with the dog, and finds out it was a trick to lure him to the other place,

If there are no dogs, it sure won’t be heaven.

[yellow dahlia]

8. Bookmarking

[JoseBalow]

9. People roll their eyes at "the rapture," but believe the other goofy bible nonsense

[erronis]

11. Or other goofy "USA" nonsense.

Like "No man is above the law". Or "We all have equal chances".

It is very hard to unlearn the crap that is instilled in us from infancy, both by non-objective parents or by schools and peers.

[canetoad]

18. Aww, comeon

Are you trying to tell me that this isn't the real deal?

[JoseBalow]

22. If thine eye offends thee...

(1:00)

[Jerry2144]

12. What time does it start? And Which time zone?

Because of the date line, today is tomorrow in New Zealand. Quick, somebody look to see if the New Zeslanders are still around

[yellowcanine]

13. Dibs on any Tri-5 Chevies if the owner gets raptured!

And if I have a choice, any Nomads.

[Dr. T]

14. I've been meaning to fleece these people by starting a

Rapture insurance company. No need to worry about paying claims, just pocket the premiums.

[soldierant]

15. Just read this article and the best part is in the commentd.

I quote:

Schmannity

"I saw Jesus sitting on his throne."

How many times have I heard, "Jesus Christ, close the door when taking a shit.". I had no idea.

=======================================

It had 112 recs when I saw it - (One was mine.)

[erronis]

17. I've been known to pray to the gods during those moments of rapture (or rupture).

[H2O Man]

16. I am!

Recommended.

I experience it daily.

[NNadir]

19. My Aunt, who I loved very much in spite of it, was a Jehovah's Witness. She used to leave copies of the Watchtower...

...their "magazine" in my house whenever she visited. It annoyed my parents (Episcopalians) a great deal, but they tolerated it, because, well love for a sister outweighed the cult worship.

(I certainly loved my aunt; she helped me through some difficult times, completely outside her religion, which I, like my parents, tolerated.)

The rapture was predicted pretty much every year of my childhood, if memory serves me well.

My aunt died maybe 20 years ago. She still hasn't reappeared in a rapture.

I credit my Aunt, actually, for my atheism. My father was an autodidactic biblical scholar, and when they argued, as they did when I was small, I realized that their Bibles were different translations, and thus said very different things. It inspired me to understand that it was all a problem of language and its misinterpretation, that it had no phenomenological import.

[BlueSpot]

21. I guess I haven't been paying attention

I just heard about the rapture today. The best suggestion I saw was to go out and get all the free clothing. Some might fit and you can donate the rest to the thrift store.

Well, I added the bit about the thrift store, probably because I just dropped off a donation today.

[GoodRaisin]

23. Maybe Krasnov will fly away with them.

It will take an act of God to get him out of the White House.

[bluestarone]

25. Yea, except Krasnov will argue that he knows more than God

THAT, could be a problem God will have with this YAHOO!!