Spurious News: Real reason for government shutdown revealed
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- The government has been shut down for three weeks and shows no sign of being reopened. Today, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R-LA) sat down with Spurious News Network to discuss it.
"It's not because of any of the things people have talked about," said Speaker Johnson. "It sure isn't because of all the Obamacare stuff. As much as Republicans hate Obamacare - I despise it myself - it's helped quite a few people. So we'll complain about it all we want but we might as well leave it there.
"No sir. The real reason we're continuing the shutdown is to keep President Trump from being impeached and convicted for tearing down the White House. And we're going to keep on keeping the government shut down until the Democrats promise not to impeach him over this, which means it'll be shut down until...oh, ten years after he dies. The Constitution doesn't say you can't posthumously impeach someone, and the Democrats would try it."
At least 25 Democratic Representatives and eleven Republican Representatives have written articles of impeachment calling for King Donald Trump to be removed from office for the crime of Destruction of Federal Property. The law these articles allege King Donald violated is 18 USC 1361, which states that anyone "willfully injuring or committing any depredation against any property of the United States" that has value over $1000 can be sentenced to ten years in federal prison. According to the Architect of the Capitol, there are thousands of destroyed small items in the now-demolished East Wing of the White House that were individually worth over $1000; the structure itself as part of a historic building had value beyond measure.
According to Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD), Ranking Member of the House Judiciary Committee, Trump's removal from office over this, should the government be reopened, is assured. "Everyone in Congress, in both parties, is pissed over this," said Rep. Raskin. "This body couldn't get unanimous consent on a motion that pizza tastes good, but the White House is sacred. Yeah, he'll be gone in a week if we ever get the chance to - and then he has to face a jury of 12 people who think tearing down the White House is the worst thing that's happened to this country since the War of 1812."
Senator Brian Schatz (D-HI) believes Trump's punishment shouldn't end when he's removed from office. "We're going to recommend to the Justice Department that not only should that fat bastard be required to liquidate his entire net worth to pay to rebuild the White House but that they hand him a hammer and put him on the construction crew."
Senator Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) is completely on board with the impeachment. "I'd take a bullet for President Trump, I think he's the greatest president we've ever had, but tearing down the White House is completely unacceptable. I'll vote to convict if we ever get the chance to, and so will everyone else in here."