Spurious News: Procter & Gamble almost introduces Charmin Trump Roll!
CINCINNATI, OHIO (Spurious News Network) -- Consumer goods colossus Procter & Gamble bought Charmin Paper Company in 1957. Since then, through marketing featuring memorable pitchmen like Mr. Whipple and the Bear Family and the high quality of its products Charmin has become the most popular brand of toilet paper in North America.
In 2025 P&G created a new product in the Charmin line - one roll of tissue that contains as much toilet paper as 24 regular-size rolls. The product has no plastic wrap, saves materials because far fewer cores are needed and will potentially save money on transportation since a box containing the equivalent of 72 rolls of traditional paper is far smaller than 72 individual rolls of traditional paper. Scheduled for an October launch, the hardest part for P&G wasn't creating this product but naming it.
"We went around and around for about a week on this," said a P&G spokesperson. "We had 'super roll,' 'giganto roll,' lots of stuff. The division president suggested the Captain Kirk Roll because there's so much paper on it it'll last through a five-year mission of circling Uranus searching for Klingons. That was funny as hell but we can't put that on a package. Then one of our marketing interns said we should name it after Donald Trump - he'll endorse anything and he's so full of shit that anyone who sees this product on a store shelf is going to think of him first.
"Strangely enough, he was interested in doing it. Then he demanded $150 million for naming rights for the first year and we had to stop the negotiations right then. We went back to the intern and told her, 'Trump wants 165 percent of our projected profits to put his name on the product. You got any other ideas?' She's like, 'fuck it, just name it the Forever Roll because it'll seem like you're wiping your butt forever with the same roll.' We could use that, and did."
The very real Charmin Forever Roll, sold as both a starter pack that comes with two rolls and a floor stand and a refill pack of three rolls, is now in stores.
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