Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body's Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold (satire)

[milestogo]

Published: October 29, 2025

WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body’s natural ability to transmute lead into gold. “The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead,” said the secretary of health and human services, noting that even a few drops of colloidal lead every morning could have an effect similar to that produced by the elixirs ancient Egyptians drank for rejuvenation. “Once inside you, lead undergoes a natural transformation, creating one of the most valuable medicines in the world. I figure at this point my body is at least 50% gold. I’m more energetic, and gold never corrodes, so you can basically live forever.” Kennedy concluded his remarks by swallowing a lead pipe whole and then regurgitating a single gold nugget.

https://theonion.com/gray-lipped-rfk-jr-touts-bodys-natural-ability-to-transmute-lead-into-gold/

[ksprog]

1. Satire or not?

Sad that I had to read to the bottom to see that it was from the Onion. At no other time since the middle ages would I have wondered if this was real or parody.

[ananda]

5. Same. I thought it could be true ...

knowing how crazee Kennedy is.

[Torchlight]

2. I checked the source, not knowing if I would be surprised or not

Gotta admit, I'm more surprised it's satire than had it not been... that's the amount of credibility he's got.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

3. I love the Onion

[Vinca]

4. Hard to tell satire from fact these days. When it comes to RFK, Jr. this is totally believable.

[dweller]

6. Fool !!!

Even the novice alchemist knows one needs cinnabar to transmute lead into gold … but judging by the florid color of BobKjr’s face , he has been ingesting the mercurial red element regularly

😑



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