Spurious News: Cheney, Trump to receive headstones made of machined Teflon!
FAYETTEVILLE, NC (Spurious News Network) -- Chemours, the former Performance Chemicals division of DuPont, today announced that it has received a very special order.
"We have been requested by the United States Government to produce three Teflon blocks that are 72 inches long, 48 inches wide and six inches thick," said Seth Bailey, Fayetteville Works plant manager. "I couldn't imagine what you'd ever need a block of Teflon like that for, so I asked...and after a lot of waffling, they finally admitted they were planning to make grave markers for Vice President (Dick) Cheney and President (Donald) Trump from it. They wanted two blocks to make the markers, and one in case of machining problems. Teflon is a very fine material for a vast number of applications, but it's not easy to machine - while it cuts like a dream, it's a soft plastic that changes shape when you apply heat to it, and the change is pretty drastic."
"We're not looking forward to doing this job," said Frank Mortimer, owner of the undisclosed machine shop that will create the markers. "We figure it'll take a month to do each one because we'll have to stop and let it cool so often. These have to be absolutely perfect, and that's hard to accomplish in Teflon. I just wish they would have come to us before they bought the stock, because the right way to make this project is to make a mold from aluminum and sinter Teflon powder in it."
Julia Ocasek, the machinist assigned to make the markers, said Teflon was absolutely the right material to use for these markers: "They'll stay white no matter how many people piss on them."