Spurious News: Trump unveils turkey pardoning plans for Thanksgiving 2025
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Although pardoning Thanksgiving turkeys is a fairly recent tradition - President John F. Kennedy was the first to pardon one on Thanksgiving and President George H.W. Bush made it an annual event - it is one of our most beloved.
There's a new sheriff in town, and things are going to be a lot different with Donald Trump in the White House.
"President Trump only pardons people if they give him enough money or if he thinks it'll keep him out of prison," said Trump press secretary Karoline Leavitt. "Turkeys don't do either so they don't get pardons in this administration."
Instead of a ceremonial pardon for two or three turkeys then a quick trip to a children's zoo to spend the rest of their days in comfort, Trump intends to execute 47 turkeys by firing squad on the White House lawn in front of 500 children of undocumented immigrants. He will then make the children listen to a six-hour speech about how terrible their parents are while the turkeys cook, and after the turkeys are done he will force the children to eat them before they are deported.
Children's mental health professionals and immigration experts are no longer aghast at anything that Trump does. Said one, "normally you'd have to assume anyone who came up with this is completely fucked in the head. That describes Trump to a tee."