What is the quintessential Onion headline?

[mahatmakanejeeves]

Nick Fleisher
‪@nickfleisher.bsky.social‬

What is the quintessential Onion headline? The strong contender that just randomly popped in my mind is "Hank Williams Jr. Honored by Institute For Football Preparedness"
May 19, 2024, 8:26 AM

What is the quintessential Onion headline? The strong contender that just randomly popped in my mind is "Hank Williams Jr. Honored by Institute For Football Preparedness"

— Nick Fleisher (@nickfleisher.bsky.social) 2024-05-19T12:26:06.449Z

[House of Roberts]

1. How about 'Hank Williams Jr. Remains in Concussion Protocol'?

[31st Street Bridge]

2. "Middle-Aged Man Buys Recliner He'll Eventually Die in"

Never forgot that one.

[ornotna]

3. There are a few here.

https://ew.com/article/2013/08/29/the-onion-greatest-headlines/

[sop]

4. The New York Post was known for its headlines, like "Headless Body in Topless Bar."

[dannward]

5. Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

“You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?”

https://theonion.com/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-prosperi-1819565882/

[stumpysbear]

6. 'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

[petronius]

7. I've always thought that "Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell" was just what we needed in Sept 2001

https://theonion.com/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell-1819566162/