Spurious News: Trump releases eligibility criteria for tariff rebate checks!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- "Our great and wonderful tariff system, the greatest one the world has ever seen, has generated trillions of dollars for our great nation in the short time it's been in place," said King Donald Trump, doing business as the president of the United States. "We decided to give some of it back to real Americans in the form of $2000 checks."
But not all Americans will be able to receive one of these checks - just ones seen as worthy and true. King Donald explained how a citizen can prove worthiness to receive a check.
"It is well known that all true Americans are heterosexual males who voted for Donald Trump all three times he ran for the presidency. To receive a check, a citizen will simply go to his local Board of Elections and receive certification that he voted for me three times in a row, then go to a doctor and get a letter saying he is not gay. Once the government receives your certification that you're a straight man and that you voted for me three times, your check will instantly be issued."
When it was pointed out that voting records do not hold information on voter choices and that proving you voted for Trump three times - or even once - would be impossible, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent replied, "figured that out, huh? You know we're never giving anyone one of these checks."
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