Spurious News: Trump administration plans to "Trickle" viewers into Melania Trump biopic!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- On January 30, Amazon intends to release "Melania," which the Internet Movie Database describes as "An intimate chronicle offers a rare glimpse into the life of Melania Trump, exploring her role as First Lady and her relationship with the President," in movie theaters nationwide.
According to Manohla Dargis, chief film critic for the New York Times, "if Bialystock and Bloom had made this instead of 'Springtime for Hitler,' their plan would have worked."
Amy Nicholson, film critic for the Los Angeles Times, is even harsher in her criticism of the new movie. "It's enough of a bomb that Northrop Grumman is going to start selling DVDs of it to the Air Force to drop on the enemy."
Not even King Donald Trump's strongest supporters plan to watch the movie. Since there is a strong possibility "Melania" will make absolutely no money at all, shadow president Stephen Miller has created a plan to fill the seats of theaters across America.
"What we've done is to create an entire marketing campaign about a new movie called 'Trickle: The Dick Trickle Story.' I don't know who he is but a lot of people think he has a funny name for some reason. Anyway, we've got five minutes of film about this guy that looks like it's the start of a movie. When the audience gets in there, while the film about Dick Trickle is playing we'll be using bike locks to lock people into theaters, and then we change to showing 'Melania.' Everyone will love it.
Or not. According to Motor Racing Network chief turns reporter Dave Moody, "Dick Trickle is more of a footnote in NASCAR than anything. On the short tracks in Wisconsin, where he came from, he was absolutely unstoppable once he got a good engine. He won more short track races than anyone in history. But then he came Cup racing and it all fell apart on him. He made Rookie of the Year in 1989 and then...nothing. It was so bad he and NAPA made a commercial making fun of his record. You've got Dick sitting there in his firesuit all dolled up telling you that you can win lots of money by picking the winner of the last race of the season then told the fans it was going to be him. Next thing you see is this card pop up pointing out Dick is 0-for-273 in Cup races. Not even very long-term NASCAR fans care enough about Dick's life story to spend fifteen bucks to see a movie about it. The worst part is how disrespectful to Dick it is to do this to him."