Spurious News: European Union announces plan in case Trump invades Greenland!
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM (Spurious News Network) -- This morning, European Union President Ursula von der Leyen announced its plans in case United States King Donald J. Trump carries out his plan to invade and attempt to annex the Danish autonomous territory of Greenland.
"The European Union views any attempt to attack one of our nations or territories as a crime against humanity. We find it especially disgusting that the nation who plans to do it was once our greatest ally. If it happens, the European Union will immediately halt shipments to the United States of surgical anesthetics, repair parts and major end items such as automobiles and industrial machinery. Further, we will not resume supplying these items to the United States until every member of Trump's government has been removed from office."
Reaction in sectors of the US economy that would be affected by these embargoes was dramatic.
"Oh...shit. Tell me this isn't happening," said Theodore deWeese, MD, dean of Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. "Every drop of anesthetic used in the United States comes from Germany. We'd have to return to using ether, which is a terrible drug for many reasons - not the least of which is it's so flammable they start engines on it. Or we'd have to transfer patients to hospitals in other countries, an impossible task in many cases - if someone in Georgia presents with an appendix on the verge of bursting, you don't have time to send him to Toronto to have it taken out."
Chris Brooks, President and Managing Director of manroland Goss Americas, a manufacturer of newspaper presses, pointed out the Constitutional implications of such a move. "The First Amendment to the Constitution states that freedom of the press will not be infringed. A lot of the parts that go into our presses are made in Germany. If a newspaper can't print papers because they can't get parts thanks to fuckin' Napoleon's little brother over there thinking he can conquer other nations, that sounds pretty damned infringing to me."
Sean Ramezani, General Manager of Beverly Hills BMW, says invading Greenland will hurt Trump's party in the upcoming election. "The customer base of the four primary German luxury auto brands - BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Audi and Porsche - is heavily skewed toward Republicans," said Mr. Ramezani. "Democrats with enough money to buy cars this expensive lean toward electric cars like Teslas. If you tell a Republican that she can't get her $60,000 car fixed or buy a new one because of something idiotic a Republican president did, there's a pretty good chance she'll change to being a Democrat."
