Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after he signed the Viral Personhood Act into law, adding that only “fringe liberals” could deny what he described as the common-sense view that viruses are endowed with the same humanity as their host organisms. “The moment a virus starts spreading through your bloodstream, it can feel pain, just like any other person. In fact, if any of our critics would just look at an HPV strain’s cute little histones under a microscope, they’d realize these viruses are actually a whole lot like us.” DeSantis also encouraged state lawmakers to swiftly pass a near-total ban on the use of bleach on viruses over 6 milliseconds of age.

https://theonion.com/florida-passes-law-granting-viruses-personhood/

[LetMyPeopleVote]

1. I love the Onion

[ornotna]

2. Oh, Come on Onion!

Stop giving our loon Governor ideas.

[jls4561]

3. Only logical since they elected one governor.

[SheltieLover]

4. Glad it's The Onion!

[eppur_se_muova]

5. SO freaking *RELIEVED* it's The Onion. It took me a minute to click the headline, fearing it was for real.

"Pro-Lifers" would begin attacking vaccine clinics. Not far enough from reality to be comfortable.

[SWBTATTReg]

6. It did me too, thinking that it was actually real. It's scary enough to be actually true in some parts of the Country

I think, w/ some of those really crazy nutjobs would pass something along these lines. It's scary how far along some of these people think.

[calimary]

14. Same here.

But frankly, I wouldn’t put it past “pro-lifers” to try a few stunts that might wind up hurting innocent people (even if the “pro-lifers” insist they “really didn’t mean it”). I’d also expect them to claim that these statistics are not true but made up by their political opponents.

They have what I’m tempted to call a “dominance agenda”, seeing how ferocious many of them are about forcing their views on the public as well as all over the political arena. I don’t trust those folks any farther than I can throw my house.

[Aristus]

7. Satire: Still dead.

n/t

[PikaBlue]

8. Soon, people will begin naming their children after viruses!

[rubbersole]

15. Rick Scott is known as "The Clap" here in Edgewater.

🤪

[PikaBlue]

16. Does he have a sister named chlamydia?

[rubbersole]

17. Ex-wife.

She left him for the Crabs.

[PikaBlue]

18. It was a sexually transmitted divorce (STD)

[IronLionZion]

9. We can't kill viruses. Just accept them into your heart. Pro-life!

[niyad]

10. I had to check the link.

[dalton99a]

11. Southern Baptist Convention passes resolution to add bacteria, including E. coli and C. diff

Local preachers rush to acquire and baptize new members

[NNadir]

12. These days one can't tell the Onion from reality.

[Scott Alan Swaggerty]

13. Getting hard out there for the Onion.