"I am the payroll accountant for professional protestors in Minnesota, and I am swamped" By John Moe

[mysteryowl]

McSweeny's Internet Tendency
Daily humor almost everyday since 1998.

“House Majority Whip Tom Emmer, R-Minn., slammed Minnesota state leaders after anti-Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agitators disrupted a church service in St. Paul… Emmer speculated many of the agitators were ‘chaos agents’ or paid protesters, adding that he believes the majority are from outside the state.” — Fox News
- - -

TO: All contract protest staff
FROM: Joyce

People, I am trying to work with you here and make sure you all get your sizable paychecks, but you need to work with me, too. If you are a contract employee, I absolutely need your W-9. And that means your ACTUAL LEGAL NAME. I’m getting too many forms in here with names like “A. Concerned Citizen” and “Fight D. Power,” and while I don’t know you or your family history, I just don’t think those are accurate.
- - -

TO: All hourly protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Hi, everyone. I know things are hectic as heck right now, but please be sure to fill out your timesheets every Friday by 5 p.m. Central. I can’t pay you unless I know your hours. Please also try to be accurate. Someone turned in a timesheet, and under the hours, they just wrote “CONSTANT VIGILANCE.” Well, those are just not numbers. And I don’t think you’re vigilant when you’re asleep, now are you?

And honestly, you have time to fill out those timesheets. If you’re a passenger in a car following ICE agents, just jot it down on the dashboard!
- - -

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

I’ve been getting questions about disclosing your legal name and Social Security number to the government you are presently fighting. I understand your concern. All I can tell you is that the CFO, the CEO, and everyone else in upper management at Antifa have told me that since this is a legitimate centralized organization, we must follow the rules. Any questions, please check with your manager, see the flowchart on the company intranet for clarification if needed.

Also, remember: The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Hotdish in the breakroom. Help yourself. Thanks to all the highly paid parents patrolling school drop-off and pickup for this delicious surprise!
- - -

TO: All professional actors
FROM: Joyce

First, let me say how honored we all are to have real actors on the team. I’m concerned that your “method” approach is creating problems with paperwork. You all insist that you’re not actors but regular Minnesotans moved to action by the emergency in your community. I want to remind you that we held those auditions in New York (two monologues and a song) and brought you here. Don’t forget: Your union classifies all this as regional theater.


https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am-the-payroll-accountant-for-professional-protestors-in-minnesota-and-i-am-swamped

There are several more at this link!

[surfered]

1. I know the feeling. I'm in charge of mailing out Antifa membership kits.

[dem4decades]

2. Loved the timesheet warnings, and the CEO of Antifa reference.

[malaise]

3. Delish

Rec 😀😀😀😂

[Faux pas]

4. Good One!

[Norrrm]

5. Conservatives will believe any lie, especially if it involves Soros.

Conservatives will believe any lie, especially if it involves Soros.

This guy claims he has gotten rich from Soros.

And the Congressman 'believes' him.

[mysteryowl]

13. ...

Also, remember: The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.

[mysteryowl]

6. To: All protest staff

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

The accounting department needs to take additional steps to track our sizable funding. On future invoices and timesheets, please designate your “team,” so we know which donor account to draw from. You should have already received an email as to whether you are on Team Soros, Team Obama, Team Illuminati, Team Secretive Jewish Cabal, The Cheney Family We’re As Surprised As You Are Team, or Oprah’s Very Special Protest Club.

[surfered]

7. LMAO

[LoisB]

8. Hilarious.

[AllaN01Bear]

9. im ceo of humor

[mwmisses4289]

10. 🤣

[PatSeg]

11. Very funny

The only reason that republicans accuse Democrats of using "paid protestors" is because that is the sort of thing they would do. Remember the Florida Brooks Brothers riot in 2000. That laid the groundwork for so much that followed including the Jan 6th insurrection.

[mysteryowl]

14. ...

Also, remember: The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.

[Marthe48]

25. roberts, kavanaugh, barrett all derailed 2000

They all helped get bush installed in the white house and have killed our democracy ever since. Evil perverts.

[enigmania]

53. Nixon, too.

[PatSeg]

57. Oh yes, Nixon too

There is plenty of blame to go around. After Eisenhower, there were no good republicans in Washington. They weren't good at governing, but they became very effective at messaging especially to the "poorly educated" and narrowminded base.

[eppur_se_muova]

59. Actually, there is another, compelling reason -- Uglicans CAN'T get crowds of protesters, or even attendees, WITHOUT

paying them ! Remember Trmp was hiring "crowd fillers" even for his first announcement he was running ! And ads for "seat fillers" have been so frequent they don't get much comment anymore.

Dems/Progressives get spontaneous support; Ugs/Conservatives get corporate-managed support on a short-term contract basis.

[PatSeg]

61. Oh yeah, $50 a head as a recall

I remember the talking heads on TV making fun of him and his ridiculous faux announcement. It was all show for him - he was pushing his brand. Little did we realize where it was all going.

[AverageOldGuy]

12. Do not circulate this -- we do not need this even if someone thinks it's funny -- DELETE THIS

Yes, I know, we can all get a good chuckle out of this, but we don't need anymore of this.

Why not?

Because the MAGAts will grab it and wave it around, claiming it is true. Don't be surprised if this shows up on Fox. Don't be surprised if Trump refers to it as proof of antifa and professional demonstrators.

Sorry -- blaze away at me if you wish but we do not need anything like this. Goddam it, we are in a fight for the survival of this nation. This is NOT a joking matter.

[mysteryowl]

15. Yes it is funny

there is zero evidence of paid protesters.

Also, remember: The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.

It is called oppression when you want to suppress humor.

[popsdenver]

33. If there are any paid influencers

they ALL are already employed to go theaters across the nation and sit thru MELANIA...............

[mysteryowl]

37. Yes, great example!

[niyad]

43. YES!!!

[Tasmanian Devil]

18. Ridicule is an effective weapon

Ridicule is an effective weapon. It points out just how foolish they are to believe in an organized Antifa. Proving a negative, e.g. Antifa does not exist, is difficult and I appreciate this effort.

[popsdenver]

39. Most MAGAots

haven't the mental ability to even know what their own "Antifa" is........or even spell or know the definition of FASCIST.......
And, it is not just their classical un-educated trailer park trash, I have talked to numerous MAGAots that have a college degree or two............The Fox News Brainwashing has really done a masterful job................Un-Fathomable, it's like they all went out and voluntarily got a Lobotomy, all 70+ Million of them..............seriously..........

[niyad]

28. Cowering in fear of what those scum will do or say is EXACTLY what they want.

Obedience, compliance, fear, in advance. Hell, they make things up or project anyway, so FUCK THEM. MAY THEY ROT IN THEIR HELL.

[mysteryowl]

36. I will say, that although your comment will not be supported here, I can say thank you.

Many people in our country are very scared and don't want to do anything to make it worse.
I do understand that.

Let's not let them win.

[progressoid]

16. "Hectic as heck"

That sounds sooo Minnesotan.

[mysteryowl]

17. ...

[progressoid]

55. It helps to read it in a "Fargo" accent.

[orangecrush]

19. ...

[IronLionZion]

20. "The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. "

These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.

[mysteryowl]

21. ...

[Wounded Bear]

22. K&R...nt

[Soul_of_Wit]

23. Hot dish for the win!

Nice Minnesota reference, eh?

[mysteryowl]

26. The author must be from Minnesota!

[TheRickles]

24. I tell the MAGA doubters that it was the easiest $1000 I ever made.

Plus, I got George Soros's autograph/signature, on the check.

[Raven123]

29. Brilliant!

[mysteryowl]

27. This looks like something Garrison Keller would write.

[ShazzieB]

30. Who are Repubs going to blame for everything when Soros dies?

Seriously, the guy is 95. He's not going to last forever!

[Wednesdays]

58. They'll say, "But is he REALLY dead?"

[popsdenver]

31. They should be careful

with satire about this......Fox News will take it and present it as factual proof of left wing, imported, organized/paid protestors........

[niyad]

34. See post 28

[popsdenver]

42. Yup

The objective of all "Terrorism" is to frighten the masses........and it works a lot of the time.......

[niyad]

32. Dear Goddess, those are hilarious!!! Thank you! I see where Meow Miix

is now a sponsor. My kitty loves Meow Mix.

[mysteryowl]

41. I can't stop laughing!

[generalbetrayus]

35. Hey, at least Antifa actually PAYS the people it contracts with, and NOT with crypto!

I'm off to the credit union right now.

[mysteryowl]

38. TO: All protest staff

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Hey, there’s a big recycling bin in the break room filled with cash. Help yourself. Tax-free. Thank you to our new sponsor, Mall of America!

[Historic NY]

40. Antifa affiliate.

[mysteryowl]

44. Author of these hilarious writings...

John Moe - Contributor to MPR (Minnesota Public Radio)

Contributor
[e-mail]
@johnmoe

John Moe is the author of three books: Dear Luke, We Need To Talk, Darth; The Deleted Emails Of Hillary Clinton; and Conservatize Me. His writing has appeared in numerous humor anthologies as well as The New York Times Magazine, The Seattle Times, MSN, and many more publications. He has hosted nationally distributed public radio programs such as Wits, Weekend America, and Marketplace Tech Report and his radio work has been featured on All Things Considered and Morning Edition. Locally, he can be heard on MPR News and The Current. He lives in St Paul.

*******************************************************

I am going to email him a link to this thread on Monday.
I am sure he will appreciate seeing the impact he has had!

[niyad]

45. I am passing the link on to my groups here, as well.

[mysteryowl]

46. It should be shared far and wide.

[niyad]

47. Doing my small share!

[mjvpi]

52. Yes, he is a brilliant paid agitator. He doesn't see his contract mandating organizing.

He keeps falling back on the idea of the press's role being simple. Tell the truth to the American people. It will simply serve as wind in sails for those who chose to protest.

[Wonder Why]

48. As one of the original writers of the Constitution, let me say that I may have made a typo allowing

free speech to everyone. Sorry, your paid speech, such as when you are a Faux News commentator, are not considered free speech. At least, that's what Jimmie Madison told me when he was writing down my words in the original Document.

[mjvpi]

49. I can't even get my group past the mission statement. The committee has agreed on a 15 page maximum, but then.......

......... the daily news hits and our"target" changes. Each nightly meeting is waisted on discussing amendments. It's almost, as if, the constant rate of outrageous behavior is a premeditated tactic. I wish that I could get ahold of their mission statements. Project 2025 is a clunky substitute.

[Figarosmom]

50. Satire goes right over the head of

Right-wingers, they will be citing this as real.

[Dr. T]

51. I'm still waiting for my non-existent paycheck

from the last No Kings gig.

[drray23]

54. Sorry but this is stupid.

Sure its satire but that it not how it will look to right wingers. This will be exploited to reinforce the narrative they are already pushing that the protestors are all paid by Soros and such.

[Layzeebeaver]

56. Mcsweeneys is a national treasure

There been some absolutely classic stuff posted there over the years.

[Beartracks]

60. "Your union classifies all this as regional theater." ROFL

[NameAlreadyTaken]

62. MAGAts will hold this up as proof

of Antifa and paid actors