Spurious News: Hunter Biden requests $500 million from Trump's anti-weaponization fund!
CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA (Spurious News Network) -- Pearl necklace sales skyrocketed today as King Donald Trump's anti-weaponization fund, which is a $1.6 billion gift from the taxpayers to settle claims that he was wronged after the federal government hauled off the stash of extremely classified documents he was storing in an outhouse, received a rather unexpected request.
"My name is Robert Hunter Biden. The Republican Party and Donald Trump, in his official capacity as President of the United States, weaponized the federal government against me to an extent far exceeding that of any person in the history of the Republic. The worst part is, it wasn't even my fucking laptop that set you people off. As my legal bills to fight the government have sent me into a precarious financial status, my wife and I are living in a van down by the river on the other side of the world. I have recently learned of the existence of an 'anti-weaponization' fund to reimburse individuals who have been damaged by lawfare and government overreach. I believe that, as the most weaponized-against person who ever lived, I am eligible for reimbursement by this fund. Therefore, I request to be paid $500 million so I can pay my legal bills and move out of this damned car."
He attached a picture of a very old Iveco Daily van, captioned "I paid five hundred bucks for this piece of junk. It won't even start. I deserve better than this."
Response from the White House was immediate. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, wearing a $10,000 suit and far more makeup than she usually does, said in a televised press conference, "Mr. Biden, the Anti-Weaponization Fund is denying your request. It is only for people who were punished by your father's out-of-control Injustice Department for trying to convince people President Trump won the 2020 presidential election even though he got stomped at the polls, and for people who were unjustly acted against after they smeared shit on the walls of the Capitol."