I don't really know how to articulate this post...

[YoungDemCA]

...but I'll try my best. This has been weighing heavily on my heart for a long time, figure I might as well share now.

I had a psychological "breakdown" of sorts about five years ago, in the form of what then became a prolonged depression. I was mad at the world, but most of all-I was mad at myself. I felt like a failure, that my life was horrible, and that things would never get better. And worse, I had "secondary" emotions of guilt and shame about my depression-feeling about feeling bad, in essence.

Part of it, I think, came from my social anxiety-which, in turn, stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself as a person of value. I also felt resentment towards family members, friends, and other people who seemed to have an "easier" life in that regard, who didn't worry so much, who didn't feel like they were not really worth loving. That resentment, that feeling of injustice and unfairness,has really hurt my self-esteem even more. And so the cycle continued to devolve...

That being said, I do have hope. I am seeing a therapist who has really been helpful, in the sense that she's helped me understand where my negative thoughts and emotions are coming from and suggested some concrete, actionable steps for me to take (some of which I have taken). And I have definitely seen an improvement with my mood and my feelings toward myself. Additionally, I have a large and growing support system of friends and family who have all helped me through this, and for that, I am incredibly thankful.

For those of you who have ever felt lost, felt unloved, felt worthless, felt insignificant-know this. You are worthy of love, worthy of being valued, and you can take comfort in the fact that things do get better, if you open yourself to that possibility. Every day that I wake up is a great day, a day worth living. No, life isn't easy, by any means. It can be extraordinary difficult. But it's worth living, and it's never too late to change your life-if you really want to.

[NYC_SKP]

1. Great post...

The very definition of Hope; the capacity to believe in the best outcomes.

Thank you for this post.

[RKP5637]

2. Thank you for posting this!!!

[H2O Man]

3. Recommended.

Very well said. And an important message. Thank you for writing this.

[JaneyVee]

4. "U can take comfort in the fact that things do get better, if you open yourself to that possibility"

[randome]

5. Sometimes keeping a journal will help you through the rough times.

Cool post.

[Marie Marie]

6. So glad that you are feeling better YoungDem

Thank you for your insight.

[Demo_Chris]

7. I think YOU have already earned the right to like and love yourself.

And there might well be no one else who deserves it more.

[rainy]

8. Have I got a book for you!!!

"The Untethered Soul." It is a life changer. I strongly suggest you read it.

[patrice]

9. Well said!

[840high]

10. Many hugs to you.

[dkf]

11. +1000

What an amazing and uplifting post. Thanks for sharing this.

[roguevalley]

12. keep going honey. it will get beyter. this helps me

"I looked to be happy and I was"

Hugs

[hay rick]

13. Keep on doing what you are doing.

Glad to hear that you are doing things to make your life better.

[Auntie Bush]

14. Bravo!

Great advice. Hope it helps someone!

[nolabear]

15. Wonderful, wonderful post. There's no telling who you've helped.

You sound like an excellent person to have in the world. Glad you reached out here.

[Skittles]

16. great of you to speak out, YoungDemCA

[Samantha]

17. Often overly intelligent people are overly sensitive

Perhaps that might be part of your problem. You sound extremely intelligent.

It took a lot of courage to post your inner-most feelings on a website this large. You are amazing.

Sam

[mountain grammy]

18. Thanks for sharing a story so personal and hopeful. Sometimes we forget how difficult

coming back is. Glad you're making it.

[defacto7]

19. We just keep on, and keep on and keep on....

You are us and we are you. You're feeling the pulse of life... grasp it and soar.

".... up, up the long delirious burning blue, I've touched the wind swept heights where neither lark or even eagle flew..."

Keep soaring!

[ProgressiveJarhead]

20. Well. For Not Knowing

how to articulate it, you did a great job. Sometimes all it takes is for one person to say that you are worthwhile. Never let your self-worth be decided by others. Keep pressing on.

[RainDog]

21. Feeling Good, by Burns, is a useful book

He was one of the people who developed CBT techniques and he writes really good, common sense chapters about the way that depression, anxiety and all that can distort our thinking.

And then he offers good questions to ask yourself to help to rationally understand that your thoughts aren't a reflection of an objective environment.

Thanks for this post.

I'm glad to know you're doing better.

[charin]

22. Support Group

http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/

This has been helpful for my depression.

[iamthebandfanman]

23. glad youre finding that seeing someone is helpful..

i never did...

i was diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder at 13 and bi polar at 17.
i take zero meds at this time and dispute the bi polar diagnoses.
i would be seeking medication for my anxiety, but my state requires monthly drug testing.. and since i use marijuana to self medicate, that rules that out.

i was constantly given self help books...
told i couldnt change society so i needed to change myself..
that i cared too much for others, and needed to be more selfish...
i was told this by multiple 'psychologists'...

i reject these notions...
especially coming from a field where most things are just theory.

like i say tho, im glad its working out for you...and i always encourage others to seek out help because it does infact seem to help some people...
as for me tho...
no amount of talking or medication
can bring me false faith..
can change the fact that i will die...
can change the fact that most people are selfish liars..
or change the fact that we live in the upside down world we live in today.

i just chalk it up to being born during the wrong time period of human evolution.. and carry on with my day to day activities best i can...
there are alot of distractions to be found if ya just look for them

i would say the anxiety is the hardest thing to deal with tho.. and it has definitely prevented me from accomplishing things and attempting things in my life. not because i was 'afraid', but because i literally have a physical reaction to pressure.
even doing something as simple as registering for college (signing up for classes) would make me break down into tears, panic, and trouble breathing.

i just found out last week that i have meniere's disease (well, all the symptoms besides hearing loss so far)... and i was told stress and anxiety are believed to aggravate it... so thats great
lol

[Phlem]

24. I hear you loud and clear!

And totally empathize with you. My PTSD doesn't help at all but everyday is a blessing. I know there are groups out there who have their own agendas, and I'v tried to express that in some of my post but people can still run rough shot all over you/me. There is a certain group on DU that's all about themselves and how could anyone possibly have it harder than us.

We share this planet and don't ever feel less than yourself. Your just as worthy of being here than the leeches that suck the life out of other people. I know that doesn't sound like much but you are standing at the top of the hill.

You have the wonderful gift of introspection which I would bet not a lot of people exercise. Within this you'll derive empathy for the souls incapable of this. Finally see the world for what it is, and hopefully do the right thing.

Stay fresh and strong cause the hypocrisy might drive you mad.

Let me know if you ever need to talk.

-p

[calimary]

25. Wow - what a wonderful, uplifting, inspiring, and comforting story!

How cool and how brave of you to share thoughts and issues this intimate. And how generous!

There are so many deeply caring and compassionate people here on DU. Even the cantakerous ones and in-yer-facers have hearts of gold. I've found personally, and followed what other DUers have shared, that this is a truly great community. To that "large and growing support system of friends and family" you mention, you can add us here. I've seen it again and again - the people here will buoy you up when you need a shoulder or two to lean or even cry on. Chances are you'll get scores of them!

You're correct to have hope. You're correct that you count, that you matter. You're correct that you are well-worth loving. We're glad you're here and that you shared this healing and expansive and illuminating journey. Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

[tavalon]

26. You articulated magnificently!

I'm really glad you have a therapist and that you are working on you because, as you are learning, you are worth it!

[myrna minx]

27. We're glad you're here!

[tomm2thumbs]

28. We are blessed by your post YoungDemCA

and it no doubt hit a chord with a lot of DU'ers. Big attaboy to you.

And thanks for writing and sharing it.

[kairos12]

29. Stay connected, stay strong, you will blossom

[Solly Mack]

30. Great post.

Thank you for your words.

[KatyaR]

31. I struggle with this every day of my life.

In fact, I currently find myself in the midst of the third major episode of my adult life. While I know what I need to do to work my way out, I just am not ready to acknowledge that I need to do it.

I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired on living on the edge, I'm tired of no one understanding, I'm tired of BEING TIRED. I just don't see much of a way to ever change that. At 55, your life's pretty much set.

The worst part is knowing that I'm setting myself up for a big fall, and I'm not stopping myself. I know there are so many people so much worse off than me, but that just makes me feel ever worse about myself.

Hang in there, I'm trying to do the same.

[rivegauche]

32. I feel you, my friend.

I've recently started to emergefrom a very dark place too, of several years, and I know exactly what you're writing about. I'm so very happy that you are able to make progress because it's incredibly hard. Good for you! Hope you continue to feel better and better.

[OneGrassRoot]

33. For you, YoungDemCA...for us all...

Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you're feeling better these days.

[Sissyk]

34. Keep speaking out, YoungDemCA!

[meeshrox]

35. Thank you so much for sharing!

For those of you who have ever felt lost, felt unloved, felt worthless, felt insignificant-know this. You are worthy of love, worthy of being valued, and you can take comfort in the fact that things do get better, if you open yourself to that possibility. Every day that I wake up is a great day, a day worth living. No, life isn't easy, by any means. It can be extraordinary difficult. But it's worth living, and it's never too late to change your life-if you really want to.

I've delt with depression my entire life and have to remind myself of these things constantly. Sometimes even getting out of bed in the morning takes all the strength I can muster. Thank you for talking about it and know that you have my support if you ever need or want it!

[sunwyn]

36. Wonderful post and just what I needed after last week. Thank you.

[Myrina]

37. I think you read my mind ... thank you.

I have been in the same situation, for several years, as you describe. Been through therapy, anti-depressants, navel gazing, job changes, new hobbies, new friends, you name it.

Nothing has helped.

I think some of us are not meant to have 'happy lives'. Some of us are here to bear witness to all of the deplorable shit humans are capable of, and the most sensitive among us often cannot bear it.

I see so much wrong, hate, evil, carelessness, abuse, and just plain meanness on a daily basis that my entire being hurts. I don't want to see any more. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I wish the lesson were over.

[jeffrey_pdx]

38. I never post

I struggle with anxiety and depression too. I really felt your message, its hard sometimes. I had a
"breakdown" 2 weeks ago....its awful. I almost lost my job. The worst thing is I didn't feel I could tell anyone why. It's shameful. Or at least thats how it feels. Drugs make me feel "numb", therapy was too expensive, so I deal with it. Remember the good days. I hope all is well.

[noiretextatique]

39. jeffrey

i struggle with depression also. when i lost my job on 2010, i dealt with it as best i could. but as my unemployment prolonged and my prospects seemed dimmer and dimmer, i feel into a major depression. i took some drugs and saw a therapist, but the weight of my life was overwhelming. i am working again. just moved again, and finally feeling like i'm on solid enough ground to focus on diet, exercise and other things that actually make me feel good. best wishes to you...it will get better.

[rurallib]

45. It does get better - hope you can find some help

tell you one thing about DU - we don't know each other, but there are 200,000 people cheering and hoping for you. We do care. Let us know how it goes.

[sheshe2]

40. Hope is our strength!

to you, YoungDem!

[JDPriestly]

41. Thank you. Good to have you on DU.

[judesedit]

42. Count your blessings. Have faith in God. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It works

Famous Quote on Quotations Book -" I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes
-- until I met a man who had no feet." - by Proverb, Jewish.
There's always someone worse off than you are. If you become interested in others and a greater cause, you will forget about yourself. You can do it. I did.

[WillyT]

43. K & R !!! - Thank You For That !!!

[trublu992]

44. OMG Thank You Thank You

I recently discovered an old boyfriend who is now a millionaire and I'm still struggling with a cognitive disability and trying to figure everything out. Thank you for these words its given me more help than you could ever know!

[Blue_Tires]

46. kick for truth...

Been there in that bottomless pit a long, long time; and still relapse and fall back there occasionally if I'm not careful...

I definitely know of what you speak...

[Generic Brad]

47. Thank you for posting this

This is one of the most encouraging and hopeful things I have seen at DU for quite some time.

I am so glad you were able to work through those challenging feelings and are thriving. You are a beacon of hope to many here.

[idwiyo]

48. (((Hugs)))

I was there too and I know first hand what you are talking about. Hang on even if it seems like there is no way out.

If you haven't read Depressive Illness : The Curse of the Strong, try it. It helped me understand what was going on with me and why, better than anyone else could:

http://www.amazon.com/Depressive-Illness-Curse-Strong-Volume/dp/1847092357/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361234853&sr=8-1&keywords=depressive+illness+the+curse+of+the+strong

[neffernin]

49. I came to the conclusion that the only thing that matters in life is happiness

Why choose to be sad at any given time? I grew up in a welfare household, lost both parents and had to help pay for their funerals but because of the Pell Grant and hard work I now work middle income, am married and I have a BS degree and a future. Pick and choose goals in life and strive to achieve them, if things aren't making you happy change them. There are a 1000 things to be sad about, but what good with sadness accomplish?

[NBachers]

50. Sometimes it takes everything you've got to just put one foot in front of the other

Then put the next foot in front - and keep going that way.

I've seen days when I shuddered when I went out the door in the morning. It took more effort to get to that point than most people put out all day long. And I still had the whole, trying day ahead of me.

Just keep moving, in what ever way you can.

There is a life where things are better. That life exists. It's waiting for you. You will get to it.

And you will look back, and see what you've been through. And, somehow, the present won't be quite as bad as it used to be.

Moving through air won't be like struggling your way through jello. You won't be dragging a chain of your own corpses behind you anymore.

And you will keep moving . . .

And you will keep reading and posting on Democratic Underground.

This is your home

We are your family

[Permanut]

51. Disagree..

I think you DO know exactly how to articulate this post. Well done.

[YoungDemCA]

52. Thank you all for your responses to my OP!

And thank you to whoever gave me the valentine hearts.

You guys and gals are awesome!