Pentagon: Cuts Could Hamper Ability To Invade Countries For No Reason

[Generic Other]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The spending cuts mandated by the sequester may hamper the United States’s ability to invade countries for absolutely no reason, a Pentagon spokesman warned today.

The Pentagon made this gloomy assessment amid widespread fears that the nation’s ability to wage totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts may be in peril.

“Historically, the United States has stood ready and able to throw billions of dollars at a military campaign with no clear rationale or well-defined objective,” said spokesman Harland Dorrinson. “Our capacity to wage war willy-nilly is now in jeopardy.”

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/03/pentagon-cuts-could-hamper-ability-to-invade-countries-for-no-reason.html#ixzz2Ma1igU00

[pscot]

1. Bummer

[jsr]

2. A very sad day indeed

[ProgressiveProfessor]

3. The Pentagon doesn't go in unless the President tells them to.

[frylock]

6. good thing we have you around to explain such complex issues

[ProgressiveProfessor]

8. Somebody needs to point out to some posters that the military does what the President

tells them to and does not act unilaterally.

[Generic Other]

14. No need to tell me

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. I was dragged down the street by that idiot Texan, his sneering mechanical henchman, and the gruesome warmed over Nixon holdover waving their yellow cake and running about like their hair was on fire. I still have the bruises to prove it.

I really don't care if they cut the military. It's high time.

[bluedigger]

15. Once upon a time, that was Congress' job. n/t

[99Forever]

4. OMG!

That's awful. Just downright UnAmurycan. Killing is life. Occupation is granting freedom.

[pinboy3niner]

5. This shit has to be stopped right fucking now!1!!

[ProgressiveProfessor]

9. Tell that to the President

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

7. Alas, the Pentagon and State Department have a whole closet full of Bogeymen to provied "reasons".

[ProgressiveProfessor]

10. Start with the Whitehouse

Neither Defense nor State act without direction and approval

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

13. Yep. It's a profitable protection racket for so many. Especially politicians.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. H.L. Mencken

[HarveyDarkey]

11. Expected the Onion

not surprised it's Borowitz

[LeftInTX]

12. Too bad this is satire :(

[woo me with science]

16. K&R

[valiberal26]

17. I propose a full reduction in force.

Our military has grown too large, too unsustainable. We need to cut it down to size, not with a scalpel, but with a chainsaw.

While I hesitate to do this, I'm going to directly quote my manifesto, "An American Reformation" on this topic. (Excuse the formatting, it didn't carry over well from the original document.)

Section Four:

The United States has failed in its responsibilities to the people of the Earth by waging wars of aggression; and as such it has proven to be unworthy of providing for its own defense. However as it is not practical to dismantle the armed forces of the United States it must be restructured for the benefit of the world and of the American people.

The United States Department of Defense shall become a division under the United States Department of State. The office of Secretary of Defense shall be abolished.

The manpower of the United States Armed Forces shall be capped at no more than 15,000 active service members; with a maximum of an additional 10,000 kept in reserve.

The United States of America shall keep no nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons; nor shall it seek to establish or maintain any research or manufacturing productions or facilities; and shall decommission all standing stockpiles of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons by the year 2020.

The Executive Branch of the United States of America shall relinquish command of the United States Armed Forces to the United Nations Security Council.

The United States Armed Forces shall not operate in any capacity outside the recognized borders of the United States of America without the approval of the United Nations Security Council.

The United States Navy and the United States Coast Guard shall merge into one entity; and operate a total not to exceed 200 ships; to include a maximum of two aircraft carriers; and a maximum of 150 aircraft, not to include those not intended to operate in combat operations.

The United States Marine Corp shall merge into one entity under the authority of the United States Army.

The United States Air Force shall not maintain long-range missiles; nor the ability to conduct offensive bombing operations.

The United States of America shall not conduct a draft, nor maintain the ability to do so.