I'm scared and this sucks.
My mom is 86. she is not wheelchair bound,can hold a clear conversation,she's old but does not act like a typical old person of her age.
She has aged a bit more since last time I saw her around 2 maybe 3 years ago,but not as much as I expected. Anyway,I have been taking care of her house since she bought a very bad deal of another home in Virginia at the ignorant urging of mom's sister Loretta,her other two daughters and brother in law over 10 years ago.
I looked at the photos of the place, she wanted to buy on the computer realizing Loretta's house was in a flood prone area,you have to go two steps UP to get to the sidewalk and the house mom wanted to buy next to Loretta's house was situated even lower than Loretta's is.I pointed this out.I was ignored because nobody in my family will listen to me because I'm the crazy,next I warned her NOT to take an ARM(adjustable rate mortgage) loan.Again I got brushed off because I'm the crazy.
I felt like I was the only one who saw this disaster looming in the future both hers and possibly mine if she bought that place. Well she bought it without even personally visiting the home site.I told her to go to Virginia and look over the place, before she bought it in person ,again who cares what panther thinks he a loon.
Fast forward to about two years ago.My roommate Mike was informed they(my fuck hole family) wanted to sell this house,the one I am living in now. But I was not informed of this at all.. Never mind I took care of this house for a bit over ten years,and they want to sell from under me.One of my sisters is stingy and greedy,the other lets her asshole husband spend money too much, For example say,they need a new TV,instead of getting a regular average TV,he has to get the biggest best top-of-the line TV.
Thus my sister married to asshole woman hating sexually perverted idiot running a microscope repair business where money is come and go,has debt,and 2 kids one is doing fine in new york,the other has ADD and might have some other mental illness.Still lives with my sister and works. I hope whatever mental issues she has does not fuck up her life,and she won't be the new generations family scapegoat.
After being kicked out of alliance for doing a mural I was requested to do, it re-traumatized me.I had just walked into the room where the decision would happen and Mona Figueroa the mental health director of this county was chatting up the abusive director of alliance and just had lunch with her and she,would of course side with alliance even though evidence for staff misconduct was glaring.She'd brush off the fact the the peer I was permitted to have according to the bylaws was present and was kicked out for supporting me and the one openly gay staff member were shocked at the abuse I was dished at that meeting..
I was not aware of how bad it all traumatized me back then to be screamed at by a vicious staff members,kicked out,fight the unfair decision this bitch made by getting hold of the county mental health board,and realizing mona Figueroa was not a neutral arbitrator that she was supposed to be.
I saw she was in tight with this crazy director.I went to sarc during this time as they were abusing me. after that I spent six months holed up in here,depressed,I constantly cut pictures out of magazines,I have a big ass tubful. I called my mom the only person I thought I could trust, told her I was lonely, felt overwhelmed. Truth is I was kicked out of alliance so abruptly I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to the huge number of friends I made at alliance. So my social network went kaput.
That whole thing at Alliance re- traumatized the crap out of me.During this time, I felt utterly abandoned,alone. My sisters never came by to visit or call. For some reason I had a very hard time motivating myself,but the house was maintained.They had no clue I was this messed up,and obviously my sisters didn't care or come over to find out. I had no therapy at the time right after being kicked out. But my mom,called my sisters apparently telling them what I was saying to her in what I thought was a private conversation.That is when the decision was made unknownst to me I was about to get screwed.
One day last summer my sisters whom NEVER bother to visit or talk to me by their own volition, mom usually makes them assist me or check on me..called me up early one morning saying they wanted to take me to Baltimore.
I had no clue why and why it had to be so early that DAY(I had about 20 minutes to get ready.(not easy if you have a reverse circadian rhythm) and we left.They drove to Hearts and Ears,a support group I was familiar with.Apparently they had arranged this whole group home thing behind my back,a group home visit to push me into a group home ASAP.
I had NO IDEA why they were doing all this.I was terrified.In the back of the car on my way to Baltimore groggy as hell,as my sisters talked to each other, ignoring my questions, like where are we going?(eventually I got the gist by overhearing them talk about checking out group homes to each other like I wasn't even there.)
So I got my pad out of my backpack I always carry, quickly wrote important questions to ask the group home directors, like,what's your medication policy?Are you christian run or funded by other sources if so what? Can you handle a transgendered person? Have you dealt with traumatized people,dissociation or multiples before?How long can I stay? Are you licensed or not? What kinds of clients do you help? Do you take in or have residents who have committed crimes,violent or not or any sex offenders ?Are you restrictive if I need my pain medication? Do clients steal? Any active addicts?how often is staff present.Is there a way to contact staff if I am in danger? Can I have pets,(2 cats and a Boa) ,How much will I pay to be there etc,etc.
By time we arrived I was furious and scared barely able to contain it. When I spoke to the staff,my sisters were pushing me so hard I couldn't even finish asking my questions(I had 20 total all were important to know)
I took the tour of the place.The place was rather dingy institutional looking claustrophobic,halls were very low ceiling and my shoulders nearly brushed the walls. The room was ok I wouldn't have a roommate because I am transgender,never got to see the main living areas, or meet the other clients to ask them questions... they showed me quickly through until I saw they had a porch with a few chairs.
On that porch I couldn't ignore this crap anymore I sharply told off my sisters for being so inconsiderate of me,pushing me ,trying to manipulate and not letting me finish my questions. I had no idea what part of the city this place was located,if it was a safe area or not,I sure didn't want to be standing in the middle of a gang war or the drug war.
I had no idea where or how I'd arrange therapy and continue treatment.I didn't want to leave the program who is the first one in my life to actually listen to me and respect me as a human being.I sure as hell didn't want to give up the best therapist I ever had..I don't want to leave my current therapist,she's actually helping me.I trust her.
Anyway I just roadblocked my sisters.I was not ready to get "put somewhere".
So we drove home and they both were very pissed I didn't just roll over and go there.There were talks of plans to look at other places,but it never happened.
Come summer I had a very bad roommate a psychopath asshole matt dick who put false charges against me trying to kick me out of the house so he could control my home. I fought that legal battle BY MYSELF and I won,despite his abusive behavior and the failure of the legal system first time around all the stress of the process sending me to the hospital.
(Note about this:I figured out what he was trying to do to me, Malicious roommates can try to claim domestic violence on a landlord renting a room in his own residence.Malicious roommate,attempts to get a restraining order,to keep landlord out of his own residence,and live there for free(since landlord cannot approach subject to collect rent) It is an abuse of the legal system and it's a scam,that can give a bad roommate control over your living space for free for 6 months,after that,they renew the order.)
After I FOUGHT that dispute and WON without help or any guidance from my family, It looks like for me,making a bum roommate decision, my family never forgives me apparently.
I am verboten from having roommates.Later the next year I would try roommates one more time, this lady was kind to me seemed responsible she FAKED it all for a year then after helping her out she thought she'd live here and she'd never pay rent and house her daughter here too. I got rid of both of them all by myself too.I can manage.They think I must be a perfect judge of character or I cannot manage. There is a lot of grey between those extremes,but for my family it's black or white.
Soon after that trauma was over with alliance and matt the next month my sister the greedy stingy one comes over and announces she is selling my moms house,mom like a fool gave her rights to sell this house.Because I was dealing with the law,my stupid friend called my mom and told her everything despite me telling her NOT to. When I found out I had two weeks to get out,and the waiting lists for housing here at minimum are 6 to 9 YEARS I flipped the fuck out.Not in front of the sisters of course. I was told to give up my cats my beloveds,and my sweet boa girl,and be packed up to vacate in 2 weeks. That was when the house would be auctioned off.
My sisters and greg the shit head and some of their buddies showed up one Saturday and plopped a big dumpster in the front yard and destroyed the yard to make it a blank lawn to sell,Down went my bonsai-trained like mimosa that arched beautifully over the driveway. Gone was the small trees and mulberry trees I got delicious fruit from every year. I wanted to cry,the animals made my yard a refuge,and even to this day I see no fox,not many rabbits,no owls no squirrels anymore.In this house I have things that are part of my dreams like casting equipment,tools and a treadle sewing machine that WORKS.I had despite my problems grew into this place in my own way. You live in a place you got abandoned in for ten years,learn to survive there,eventually you see the positive to it.
My grandmother left me a very cool antique wood stove that is both ornamental and functional it even has a cook top and isinglass windows to see the fire inside it. When my grandmother died she gave me that stove because we would sit by it as she told me stories and sometimes scary ones that had me laying awake all night.The stove is sentimental to me. and I a mcCoy antique vase. My sisters and my mom got a shit load more than I got.Same thing when we sold the house on plumtree was sold I got a framed print and a chair.
They got antiques furniture tools etc.
Mom told me to hand over the stove to my greedy sister on the pretense she'd clean it and condition it but it was still mine. I have a gut feeling my sister was GIVEN my stove,and I'll never see it again.
No one wants to hear how I'd make it here without enough credit to buy oil,(um mm,stove people) and a no mow moss lawn and the solar panel credit that could add a value of 20,000 bucks to this house,and I'm eligible to get it insanely cheap. Never mind mom while she's alive would get a check from BGE and a big tax break too,Never mind this house is on the homestead tax,a break this state just destroyed for people buying houses now,but I'd be grandfathered into it and pay mom's 1,000 and some change on tax for a single family home on 1/4 acre. Good roommates and adjustments to the budget I COULD live here .
Well anyway,I had two weeks to pack up EVERYTHING,over 10 years of life,here. While being scared of becoming homeless or put into a dangerous group home.My sisters assured me I wouldn't be homeless,that's like squeezing a scorpion in your hand on faith it won't sting you.They did not tell me where I'd be staying.That was scary.They had not considered me at all.
I begged my mom to take control of the house AWAY from my greedy stingy sister.
She did.The auction was called off.
I had made suicide plans in case they just kicked me out.
As of now my mom still wants to sell the place. I have tended to and was abandoned at,and have now learned to love, this house as my home. I always wanted to change the inside like rip up carpet but I never felt it was OK to do it,so I didn't. Now because she's 83 thinks or is convinced I can't take care of it(when greedy sister tried to auction it,the appraiser said it had MINOR cosmetic damage mainly loose tile in the bathroom,missing shutter and my art area has floor damage(even though when we tiled the basement.I made sure there were enough tiles to cover any that I would mess up doing art,I got us 2 free boxes of extra tiles)
I have tended this place of hers over ten years,through severe traumas of being kicked out of and traumatized by a day program called alliance for no genuine reason,through good and bad roommates, all it is is minor cosmetic damage. I went through a bunch of loser roommates and got rid of 'em too and for a few years a few roommates paid up on time,and michael my old friend has not cheesed on his rent..He's lived here over 5 years.
Yet my sisters and mom are convinced I cannot manage here.
After being kicked out of alliance for doing a mural I was requested to do, it re-traumatized me.I spent six months holed up in here,depressed,I constantly cut pictures out of magazines,I have a big ass tubful. During this time,my sisters never came by to visit or call. they had no clue I was this messed up,and I had no therapy. Eventually I got myself back into treatment.
I did get the best therapist I have ever had In-My Life! and a day program that treats me like a human being,freaky flavors salty talk and all.I don't want to leave this program,I don't want to leave here,I have made a life here,I feel safe here,I can scream and yell,build a bonfire,set off fireworks and walk my boa while the neighbors who now know me walk their dogs,and I run shop tools at 3 am. I can play with my poi.I can use the outdoor clothesline to tye dye and rinse it well in the top load washer.I can play my music LOUD. I can close the doors and curtains and nobody knows I'm in my room crying. I can watch anything on TV without nosy people looking in. I can have friends visit.No one complains about noises. and if mom keeps the lifetime rights to live here and the trust fund for big repairs she once had set up,for me...I would continue to be ok here,ups and downs but ok.. I learned to love this place,I had plans whom even my therapist thought were not only sane but innovative to cut the costs of living here.
but...no.
http://www.anh-usa.org/forbes-calls-for-re-institutionalizing-the-mentally-ill/
my mom and sisters after I got kicked out of alliance(I think the director and assistant directors were not only homophobic but hated the fact I am well versed in psychiatric rights and clients turned to me,instead of her.)schemed behind my back to
get me out of this house.They told my longtime friend and roommate years before they told me.
Dammit I want to stay here.
I wish I had 180,000 bucks so I could buy this place away from THEM.
On SSI your primary residence is not counted as an asset. But mom doesn't bother to research the laws or read the news about cuts and more cuts to mental health services the terrible things happening in group homes or to renters.
http://www.theatlanticcities.com/housing/2013/04/domestic-violence-survivors-who-call-cops-risk-eviction/5427/
http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/court-order-find-homes-mentally-ill-adults-tossed-appeals-judges-article-1.1057584
Since I am the scapegoat of the family and the crazy they do not listen to me even if I am warning them of a dangerous situation,like not to buy a house on a flood plain with an arm loan to a woman who would have to be 100 yeas old to pay it off.
Greg the asshole is still the family financial whiz,he was gung ho about that POS mom got in Virginia. Even though I knew the housing crisis was coming,got my ex and I out of danger and sold that house with enough profit to pay off my ex's irresponsibly huge back taxes he owed.Nobody listens to the crazy freak with the 190 iq.who might Know something they don't, fuck.
I wish my family were not a bunch of chicken shits,greedy selfish and self absorbed to the point I feel they are hardly worth my time anymore.I tried to reach out,but often it went ignored.then I gave up. Now they want to take the house away. Mom with my sisters to help could contest the loan,the fraud perpetuated on her.But they'd rather ruin MY life instead.
Tuesday my mom is meeting with my therapist and I. She wanted my sisters to be there. I said hell no. I will talk to them in ANOTHER session.
I want mom to hear me,LISTEN my therapist can help her DO that.
Besides I hate cage match therapy sessions when it's three against one.I feel bullied in situations like that,so I'm not putting myself in that situation where I would feel like I was walking in a field of land-mines & triggers in clown shoes. Which if I got triggered would only cement that bad idea in their ignorant self absorbed little heads.
Where I feel they'd just run me over.Ignore me.
http://www.baltimoresun.com/explore/baltimorecounty/news/health/ph-ca-at-mental-health-housing-20111011,0,1849409.story
Mom thinks it's like long ago when housing was available,and group homes were safer(not). She does not remember the pervert staff,attempted rapes or the choke incident. I had stuff stolen, was physically,verbally,sexually assaulted by staff and clients and abused even back when mom thought I was safe there. Some of the 'acting out' was self defense or in defense of other vulnerable clients.
I'm terrified of the abuse that happens in these places, so much more now that many of them fly under the radar of law enforcement or state regulations and there are no ways for clients to find safety from staff or other residents..
In my area I found this out about a local group home by being friends with some clients living there. That group home is run by hardcore jesus freaks.They took away the medication the clients needed.They did this claiming jesus will heal them of their mental illness or physical problems like high blood pressure or diabetes..
A lot of those clients were in and out of the psych wards or got sick until I got pissed off they told me not to tell fearing they'd be kicked out.I told staff at my program about this privately and why clients had not said anything .I made them aware of the bullshit going on over there as the friend's I had who told me were going to my program too..
Both mom and my sisters have no clue how scarce low income housing really IS,
http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v2n1/nimby.html
and how risky,triggering and dangerous things ARE in group homes nowadays licensed or unlicensed.
http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/05/04/v-fullstory/2201715/at-homes-for-the-mentally-ill.html
http://www.capitalgazette.com/maryland_gazette/hot/group-home-at-center-of-glen-burnie-dispute-is-first/article_f9418958-2001-504d-8d61-703d9a7306e8.html
http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/05/04/v-fullstory/2201715/at-homes-for-the-mentally-ill.html
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/bal-grouphomes-series,0,4522153.storygallery
Even in homes where my mom and sisters would deem good neighborhoods and nice and safe or had great staff and facilities.
http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2004-07-27/news/0407270163_1_group-homes-residents-mentally-disabled
http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/about-us/our-blog/89-fl/1793-assisted-living-for-the-mentally-ill-care-or-a-crime
They are,whether they want to deny it or not, playing Russian roulette with my life and sanity.And I for one do not want to be used that way. But they give me no choices and I can't find other options.
I just want to stay here. I dunno of anyplace else I can go.I have busted tail looking but waits are YEARS sometimes DECADES long.Mom and my sisters think a social worker magically pull places to live out of their ass.
http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20121223/news/712239903/
So they'll demand, and be slapped in the face by reality.
One they thinks does not exist.
http://www.baltimoresun.com/explore/howard/news/ph-ho-cf-mental-health-housing-20111005,0,6893913.story
Either way I am fucked over. and I am scared to death of the future. I wonder will I ever have a chance to heal from all the shit in my life in a safe place before I die? Probably not. Another shit hit the fan moment is coming. I am so tired.I feel like I never had a chance in life to live between my mom,my fucked up family,bullies everywhere growing up bad psych treatment re-traumatizing me.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/saving-normal/201303/prison-or-treatment-the-mentally-ill
I knew a person who left this place,and urged her to report what was going on there to police.
http://baltimore.cbslocal.com/2013/02/04/caregiver-arrested-for-abuseing-disabled-man-in-columbia-group-home
It's scary out there if you have a psych issue it really is.
http://www.pressherald.com/news/Shoot-Across-nation-a-grim-acceptance-when-mentally-ill-shot-down.html?pagenum=full
Thanks for being here,DU.
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