Gina DeJesus' mother forgives Castro and says she would hug him. Could that attitude harm her

[snagglepuss]

daughter and Castro's other victims? Her first words upon hearing the news of the girls escape was "kill him". I can't see how talking about forgiveness at this point is advisable.

[Ian David]

1. Limbaugh is going to use this as "evidence" they were just scamming welfare. n/t

[treestar]

2. I don't think that attitude could ever be harmful

it's the essence of Christianity that most fundies conveniently miss.

It is a good thing for her as it steers her away from hate, which is not something that's going to help her daughter.

[snagglepuss]

17. It's not that I don't think forgiveness is a good thing but I wonder how

her desire to forgive in such a circumstance might be experienced by the victims. I'm wondering whether it would be better to say nothing about forgiveness until the victims speak of forgiveness. What if one of the victims is in a state of rage? I think everyone should take cues from the victims. The mother can forgive Castro without making a public proclaimation.

[treestar]

27. The mother is one of the victims too

In a different way, but still.

[snagglepuss]

31. Of course but not to the same degree. Castro's children are also victims but

not to the same degree. If you were a victim of a horrific crime would you want a family member to pronounce forgiveness before you were ready to be so generous?

[loyalsister]

34. Is it possible that we aren't privy to every conversation

that they have had about it? I think they are the experts in this situation because they are the most well informed.

That is not to say that what we experience and think as outsiders is totally irrelevant, but I think their personal reactions should not be judged.

[Marrah_G]

3. I don't think it's up to anyone to judge her on how she handles this

She is choosing not to give in to hate and rage.

Remember when that guy slaughtered all those little Amish girls? The community there decided to react with love and not hate. This is similar.

I don't think her decision to be forgiving is going to effect the case in any way at all.

[snagglepuss]

19. It's not that it is goint to effect the case but I'm concerned about

how a public proclamation of forgiveness from one of the moms overshadows the feelings the victims may have. I have no issue with the mom quietly forgiving Castro but I do have concerns about her public pronouncement. However much the parents have suffered this is not about the parents but about the victims.

[elehhhhna]

45. I think she is choosing to feel grateful that he did not kill her daughter

and I think she is experiencing an overwhelming flood of thoughts and emotions.

The media should leave these families alone, imo.

[The Magistrate]

4. Her Choice, Ma'am, Her Mind And Soul

Perhaps that he did not kill her little girl has come to seem the most important element of the matter to her.

[snagglepuss]

22. Very true however I am unconfortable about her making a public pronouncement

of her forgiveness. I think she should wait till the victims address the issue of forgiveness.

[The Magistrate]

24. She Is A Victim Also, Ma'am

She was subjected to an exquisite mental torment, for many years. As a parent and grand-parent myself, I do not like to even think what she endured. It was not just the young women taken whom this creature victimized, and victimized directly.

[HappyMe]

25. Very well said, Sir.

I cannot even imagine what any of those involved here have endured. I believe that not being consumed by hatred may well set people on the road to recovering themselves and their lives.

[freshwest]

48. How many sleepless nights, gnawed by fear of the worst, did she endure? Most likely every one.

[snagglepuss]

26. No question that the parents are also victims but however horrible their sufferingthey weren't

confined and tortured. Again my concern is her public pronouncement of forgiveness. If I were a victim the last thng I'd want is to hear someone close to me publically declare forgiveness to my tormentor before I had reached that point.

[Democracyinkind]

29. great to see you posting again. hope all was well with you. nt

[elehhhhna]

46. oh cripes I just said the same thing, then scrolled down and you'd said

it better already.

[nadinbrzezinski]

5. It's her choice

And psychology s at play here. This is common, identifying with the kidnapper. Experts on NPR said this was possible.

[Ms. Toad]

16. Do not dismiss her feelings as "psychology" or "identifying with the kidnapper."

My brother murdered two women. At his trial, my mother and the mother of one of the murdered women sat together outside the courtroom, confounding both prosecution and defense (both were expected to be witnesses and excluded from the courtroom). That was more than 30 years ago, and our families remain friends (I spoke with one of the siblings within the past month), and have become friends with the family of the other victim (I also spoke to the husband of the other within the past month). Twenty years after he murdered their child and sibling (in the case of one) and spouse and mother (in the case of the other), the families of both women successfully campaigned to keep the state from executing my brother.

The mother in this case may not always feel as she does today. I think it is a bit soon to know how she will feel once the immediate flood of emotions passes, but her feelings may persist - and to dismiss those feelings as "psychology" or "identifying with the kidnapper" is an insult people who are truly wired differently, because it says to them their experiences are not real or valid because the way they feel makes others uncomfortable.

[nadinbrzezinski]

20. I am not.

They may very well persist and even flourish.

People are not all wired the same.

As you yourself know. But right now..it might be just that. Time will tell.

[loyalsister]

35. That's a wonderful story

The perspective one gains through even the most horrible life events to me, represents a healthy adaptation to something that will never go away.
I would think that it is difficult to explain grief a person must feel when discovering that someone they care about has done something so horrifying.
That that grief can be a bond between you an the people who were harmed is a good example of humanity and psychological health at it's best.

[Ms. Toad]

36. It is actually more common than one would think.

Here is a collection of stories (our family's is among them): http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Kill-Our-Names-Families/dp/0813531829/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1368301811&sr=1-1&keywords=don%27t+kill+in+our+names

The assumption is that all victim families want vengeance - and many do. But also many do not.

In my brother's case, one of the victim's families went to the same church we do. Her grandmother who had known my brother since he was little brought two flowers to the service the next day in remembrance of each life lost in that horrible evening. Everyone who knew my brother agrees that it is next to impossible to the person who committed such horrendous acts of violence with the person we all knew and loved. And everyone who doesn't know him believes that he was, every day of his life, the person capable of such violence. As the daughter of the second victim (present and two years old during the murder) says, None of us wants to be judged solely by what we are capable of on the worst day of our life.

[loyalsister]

43. "None of us wants to be judged solely by what we are capable of on the worst day of our life"

One of the very best pieces of wisdom I have ever come across.

[bettyellen]

23. it's common to identify with the kidnapper only if you are kidnapped, otherwise.... No.

She is obviously on a roller coaster right now- struggling to be a good christian and not be consumed by hatred.
But identifying with their rapist has nothing to do with it. That is idiotic.
Not surprised by anything NPR broadcasts these days. It's a cesspool of ignorance.

[Ms. Toad]

37. I decided to ignore that piece of it (identification)

and address the piece I know well. I would not assume that is an accurate rendition of what NPR said.

[bettyellen]

41. yeah, it's not something that happens to the non- kidnapped. Mixed feelings, yes....

When she has to ponder the ugly details of some of the abuse- or experience the fallout effects on her loved one, she will, at times - begin to hate the perp all over again. And it sounds like she will be smart enough to let it not consume her and let it go. But right now, part of her is deeply grateful that he didn't murder those women. I doubt anyone at NPR was dumb enough to make that exact comment, but you never know.

[Gin]

6. IMO....saying she can forgive him is fine and part of the process......hugging him is a bit much...

They may not have all the gory details yet and the daughter has much to come to terms with.....

.forgive him... fine....

Hug...not so fast.

[jberryhill]

7. She's likely experiencing all sorts of emotions

These people should be left alone by the media to sort out their lives.

[Sheldon Cooper]

13. Yes. Exactly right.

These folks all need to be left alone so they can begin to heal.

[lovemydog]

8. From what I've seen

from the press conference and the interview on Good Morning America, she's a very together person. I think she's making a choice to not let hatred consume her.

[chillfactor]

30. agreed.....hate is a powerful emotion...

it can destroy lives...and this mother perfers that hate not destroy her...she has much to look forward to and she should be allowed to do that without all of scrutiny of Monday night quarterbacks

[lovemydog]

49. Welcome here chillfactor.

Have fun!

[HappyMe]

9. Well, it's really not for anybody

to judge her on this. It's her choice, and I think we should respect that.

I don't think it's going to harm anybody.

[mythology]

10. As somebody who has spent a lot of time on hate

It's really not worth it. If she can move on, then more power to her.

[still_one]

11. She is happy her daughter is alive, her emotions are a roller coaster I am sure

[Bjorn Against]

12. I think it is a great thing that she is able to forgive

Forgiveness can help bring about healing, I think we as a society should all try to be more forgiving. Of course forgiveness does not mean eliminating the consequences of someone's actions, Castro should be prosecuted and I am sure DeJesus' mother wants him prosecuted but that does not mean she needs to live her life in anger at him.

[Live and Learn]

44. +1 nt

[alphafemale]

14. very sweet. if her pity was an iron pipe he'd break her jaw with it.

Some people are not worthy of pity.

It is not the aunt that was imprisoned for ten years. It is obscene for her to offer mercy.

[Ms. Toad]

39. Mother - not aunt. n/t

[LisaL]

15. While I find the idea of hugging him and telling him that god blesses him bizarre,

sounds like she is trying to deal with it and has conflicting emotions.

[Locut0s]

18. I'm sick of this story. Time to let the healing begin and the voyeurism stop...

When there ARE some new details out, and not just more sensationalist tidbits, then we can talk a bit more about this. Even then just a bit IMHO. It was a shocking story when it broke but let's get some perspective here, the big new outlets have been carrying this non stop 24/7 and they probably will for months if people keep watching. How about actual news that is happening around the world this past few weeks? We hear nothing about those stories.

[Donald Ian Rankin]

21. Probably an excellent and sensible coping strategy - if she can manage it, I admire her.

I suspect (although my lack of experience cannot be overstated) that it's easier to rebuild your life after something like that if you can forgive the attacker, or at least convince yourself that you've done so, because it makes it easier not to dwell on it.

It should not mean that Castro's sentence is any lighter, of course (and, conversely, victims who want a heavier sentence for their wrongers should also be ignored - the sentence should depend solely on the crime, not on factors outside the criminal's control).

[Junkdrawer]

57. Exactly so. You forgive to help yourself.....

a concept that seems beyond many around here.

[Donald Ian Rankin]

59. I'm not sure actual forgiveness is necessary.

I suspect the important thing may be to convince yourself that you have forgiven - which is similar, and may lead to it, but not the same thing.

[Junkdrawer]

60. What I was getting at is that a crime like this victimizes in two ways:

1.) The original harm

2.) It fills you with hate that slowly eats you alive

I know of no way out of 2.) than forgiveness.

I was a horribly abused child. I HAD to come to forgive my alcoholic father and, believe me, THAT was a long, difficult process.

[dballance]

28. At What Point Would Talking About Forgiveness be Advisable?

I don't think it's ever too soon or too late to talk about forgiveness. She's a much better person than me if she can think of it right now.

[snagglepuss]

32. I think it'd be advisable when the victims are ready to forgive. Why does the mother have

to make a public pronouncement?

[HappyMe]

33. Why shouldn't she?

We are not flies on the walls of their home, so we have no idea what is discussed there. In the end, it's her decision and we should respect that.

Having everybody involved being eaten up with hatred is not going to promote any healing.

[cali]

38. I can understand forgiving him but I can't fathom hugging him

a hug is a gesture of warmth and acceptance.

[snagglepuss]

42. Her expressing her willingness to hug him makes me question

her state of mind. Like others have said her emotions must be all over the place. I a starnger can't bear thinking about the prolonged terror endured by these girls; I can't imagine what it must be like to have to confront that pain head on.

[Jamastiene]

40. She must be going through a range of emotions right now.

Forgiveness is probably just the result of some of the emotions she is probably experiencing right now. The feelings she must be experiencing after finding her daughter alive after all these years must run the gamut.

[lunatica]

47. Where's the link!

This is pure crap.

[lovemydog]

50. link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2322916/Gina-DeJesus-Mother-says-forgives-Ariel-Castro.html

[Politicalboi]

51. I don't agree with her, I would want to kill him

But I guess she is just thankful her daughter is alive.

[BainsBane]

52. I don't think she's had time to break the psychological

ties yet. Therefore it's not really possible to forgive. She will have to work through all of this in therapy, and it will take time.

[LisaL]

53. What ties?

She barely knew the guy.

[BainsBane]

54. I misread

I thought it said Gina herself. My bad. Actually, I find it less understandable coming from the mother.

[JI7]

55. probably a religious thing, and the only way she feels she can go on with life

a way to not let the hate get to her maybe. maybe she feels he will have to answer to god.

there was a woman on oprah once and the guy who raped her was on the show also and she forgave him and hugged him.

i will never be able to understand that. i can maybe understand forgiving after some time and you feel the person is really sorry. but i will never get the hugging or anything more than just forgiveness.

and did he even ask for forgiveness ? if he had not left that one door open which allowed Amanda to yell so someone else can hear and help her get out they would still be in there.

[LisaL]

56. I don't understand it either.

But then I am an not religioius. I agree with you, I am sure it is a religious thing. She did know Castro but just barely, so she doesn't have any ties to him.

[Posteritatis]

58. I think she has more of a right to decide when to talk about that than any of us do. (nt)