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[Locut0s]

This message was self-deleted by its author (Locut0s) on Fri Jan 3, 2014, 12:27 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[zerosumgame0005]

1. I have lived in my car

for an extended period, it is not fun, it's cold and damp and it is not an alternative you should pick. If you have any other options take them. sure, in life failure is always a real possibility, but keep on trying.

[Lint Head]

2. I've not lived on the street but have dealt with depression. Please stay positive. I can relate to

your circumstance. Unless you have a chemical imbalance and need medication you can control your thoughts, whether you believe it or not. Practice is one of the keys. When a dark mood starts to take hold think of something that makes you feel good. Think of a past experience that was soothing and fun. I have actually learned to 'stop' thinking 'period' when moods like that hit me. It's like a meditation exercise. I'm not a professional just speaking from my own experience. If you find you just cannot deal please seek help and please don't let guilt take over. It's not worth it. Peace

[defacto7]

4. You are so, so right.

^ this ^

[defacto7]

3. I have.

Sold blood plasma to eat. Don't do it, it's hell and neither you nor anyone else deserves that. Don't think about punishing yourself because you think you deserve it. Do life! Find another opportunity. 101 is only a start. There are more. Start by reaching out to others and don't be discouraged. Love is greater than all the burden you could ever think you are... but you have to give it... It will come back... and your future... well, it's what you find, not what you expect.

[Evoman]

5. You can't fail at life....life is just something you do.

I've got a master's degree in Biology, a number of published papers, and a Bachelor's degree in Biochemistry. All my life I've been told how bright I am and how successful I am, and will be.

And it's all bullshit man. I didn't like my subject. I hated working in a lab. I hated my fucking life.

And now I have stage 4 cancer. I'm fucking dying, and I'm still happier than I ever was when I was "successful" (well, maybe except after I get chemo, lol).

My point is, don't feel like their is any blueprint in life that makes one person better than other. You are not less worthy because you have the problems you have.

Maybe it's time to see a psychologist. Maybe it's time to get your life in order. It's never too fucking late, man. I know people way older than you who have gone to college or have taken up a new trade. I know people way younger who are more "successful" but miserable.

I'm not trying to bullshit you and give you some sort of fake ass motivational speech. I firmly believe that a lot of people who have social anxiety and are "basement dwelling man childs" are capable of so much more than they think, but because they take the judgement of assholes seriously, they think they are limited. Bullshit. You may need some psychological help..no shame it that, so did I. You may need some help organizing yourself and dealing with depression. But don't limit yourself. And don't believe for a second you deserve or should live on the streets.

Edit: btw, I'm 33 years old.

[Mnemosyne]

7. ...

[Lint Head]

8. I admire you and your will power! Hope I can be that brave when I have to face something like you

have. Love to you!

[Live and Learn]

12. Wow, that was a lot to take in. Probably the wisest post I have ever seen.

I hope you prove your diagnosis wrong and that the OP hears the truth in what you have written.

[DesertFlower]

13. well said and i wish you well. when my husband

was dying he said many times -- "it's not all about money -- do what makes you happy" -- the rest is all bullshit.

[Locut0s]

15. Wow thank you. I feel ashamed to feel as bad as I do when...

I hear stories like yours. I have no real reason to feel the way I do. Genetic predispositions and chemical imbalances, if that's even what I have, sound pretty hollow whenever I hear from someone facing life's real challenges. Let alone facing them with the courage and grace that you are doing so. Thank you. I have long struggled with issues of self worth, though I can't say exactly why. Unlike many I have always been loved and supported by family. I never suffered emotional or physical abuse, at least not from my parents. I will do my best to find out how to live life my own way and be happy, though it may be a huge struggle. Thank you again.

I hope that you prove your diagnosis wrong. From what I can see from your post you certainly have the courage and will power to do so.

[OneGrassRoot]

33. ...

More for you, Locut0s.

I just saw this...I think it was meant for you today.

[JNelson6563]

21. Quite a post!

Hugs and encouragement to you Evoman.

Julie

[HiPointDem]

23. +100

[OneGrassRoot]

32. A very wise 33-year-old at that.

Thank you for speaking up, Evoman.

Like others have said, I also hope the diagnosis is wrong. You are a force, and we as a society could use your wisdom and insight.

I hope the effects of chemo ease up on you, and I hope you continue to feel happier than ever.

[Evoman]

37. Thank you all for your kind words.

I'd be lying if I said my life was good or easy, but the support from Duers has really helped make it better. Thank you.

And to the Op....listen to these guys. We all know how awesome you are and can be.We aren't bullshitting you. You deserve so much more than living on the street.

[msanthrope]

69. I wish you the best, and I will keep you in my thoughts. nt

[hunter]

39. It's good to see you here, Evoman.

[Nay]

43. >>>

Evoman, you are much wiser than I was when I was your age. I wish I could hold your hand IRL.

Locut0s, please listen to Evoman. Being on the street won't help you; you will only self-destruct. If that is your wish (that you self-destruct), then you do need to see a good psychiatrist.

Love to you both.

[Poll_Blind]

51. Thank you for sharing that wisdom.

I don't even know what to say but thank you.

PB

[closeupready]

60. I really admire you for sharing that.

Sending you warm wishes!!

[LuvNewcastle]

74. Excellent advice.

My life took a different course from yours, but it looks like we wound up in the same place. Some people might say my life sucks, but I'm a hell of a lot happier than some people I know who think they have it together. I don't know how much longer you have, but I hope you enjoy what you have left. I think you're doing great.

[bhikkhu]

6. I lived in my van for a couple months in the mid 80's.

It wasn't bad, as I figured if one was homeless, one might as well be homeless in a nice place. So I drove to Santa Cruz, slept on the beach, parked at the rest stops and national parks and so forth. The problematic parts were bathing, which was mostly inadequate sponge baths. And then the unpleasant realities of not having an actual bathroom, dealing with waste and so forth.

It was difficult to relax anywhere, always trying to not be noticed and trying to find out of the way places for some peace, and that took its toll eventually. I saw a help wanted at a 7-11, but they needed me to have a phone # to contact. So I rented a cheap little room in a house and got a job, and on from there...

on edit just to add - while things turned out fine for me eventually, at the time I remember thinking it was about a 50/50 chance. In that situation, there's no safety net and so many ways to fail, any little thing that goes wrong... Having some family on your side is the big thing, but if you can avoid homelessness that would be much better.

[pipoman]

9. Down by the river?

Sorry..the 80's..living in a van and all..

[ErikJ]

10. Lived in my mini-pickup with canopy for 4 months.

I was between apts. and going to grad school. I parked in a chuch parking lot next to the school and used their gym and facilities as my "house". I got so used to it that I really didnt feel a need to get an apt. after awhile but finally did. Also lived on the road for 6 months on a trip across the US and another 5 months on the road in Europe sleeping in hostels and trains.

I'm now hosting a homeless guy in my backyard.
He stays in a 5 man tent inside a shed. He has lived there for 5 years now with his dog. He has free cable TV, electricity and heat and seems to be as happy as a clam. He says he can live anywhere as long as he has cable TV. ha!

[DesertFlower]

11. i'm struggling with depression right now.

my husband passed last year and i have health problems. financially i'm fine, but i wish i would die. i keep myself going because i have my cat -- he's spoiled and attached to me. he's not adoptable. i also have a friend who does so much for me. if i were to end it he would feel like he failed me. also it's the wrong thing to do.

i am seeing a therapist. i told her that when my cat dies i'm going to will myself to die. she said "do you feel like you've done everything in life that you're supposed to"? i said "i don't know -- if i didn't have health problems -- i'd like to make some kind of difference -- maybe volunteer work".

today my car was making a funny noise and i was stuck in a traffic jam. i kept myself together by doing positive affirmations, i.e., "all is well with my life", "my health is perfect", "my car is fine" and i started to feel better.

my advice to you is stop beating yourself up. the past is the past. get a copy of louise hay's book "you can heal your life". don't give up. you have family who love you.

[OneGrassRoot]

31. ...

No adequate words. I just wanted to say hi and let you know I think of you often and send many hugs your way.

[DesertFlower]

59. thank you. nt

[Booster]

58. I'm 70 & I'm tired. With the exception of 3 good friends, a nephew and a niece, virtually everyone

I have known & loved has passed. I have 4 cats, but 1 of them is the reason I keep going. Maybe I wouldn't tell anyone else but you this, but I live for that cat. When I retired I thought I'd volunteer for all kinds of things but found out most programs want you to start really early in the morning. I get up really early, but don't want "to go" anywhere. I'm also lazy, which I didn't know. I'm diabetic. I volunteered at an animal shelter cleaning up after bunnies because I knew I wouldn't be bringing bunnies home. One dwarf bunny bit the literal shit out of me so I had to stop even that because of my health situation - can't be being bit a lot. My 1 cat loves me better than he loves himself & I know that because I can see it in his adoring eyes. If living for 1 cat is how it ends, so be it. I have vowed to myself that I will give him as long a life as I can so that's what keeps me going. Ridiculous I know, but it is what it is. Peace.

[DesertFlower]

66. my family is all gone too except for

a sister in canada and another one who i'm not speaking to in S.C. i have 2 nieces -- also in S.C. i have 2 friends in NYC and my step daughter is in atlanta. we've bonded since hubby passed.

i have 2 friends here -- one is agoraphobic -- the other one is my massage therapist who became my best friend when hubby got ill. i can't tell you how much he has done for me and continues to do. i don't think i would have made it without him. of course, he has his practice and a wife so there's just so much time he can devote to me.

then there's my cat -- monkey. we used to have 3 cats but decided after they passed we would not get more -- felt we were getting older and had no one to take them if something happened to us. monkey is 12 and was diagnosed in december with kidney disease. he's on a special diet. he seems to be doing okay. have to have him checked again in july. he's very protective over me. doesn't like it when anyone is in the house. he tolerates howie, but did hiss and jump at him one time. a few weeks ago one of my friends from new york came for a long weekend. monkey didn't know what was going on. no one has slept in this house since john passed. he stayed very close to me.

i'll be 72 in october. i have CFS/ME, IBS, scoliosis, herniated discs, osteoarthritis. i need a lot of rest and most times i don't feel well. i sleep late. when john first passed i would sleep till 1 or 2 in the afternoon. now it's usually 10 or 11. it makes the day shorter. i'm lazy too. i just don't have the energy or the inclination to do anything. i have a cleaning service once a month and the house stays clean. i have 2 robots which vacuum the floors. i don't cook -- mostly take out or a lean cuisine from the freezer.

i know what you mean about knowing how much your cat loves you. i see it in monkey's eyes too. most people would think we're nuts -- living for out cats.

[Booster]

81. I feel so much better now. I don't feel so alone after reading your reply. I was beginning to

think I was the only person in the world who's life revolves around one cat. I've been really emotional the last couple of days because I had to put down my 16 yr old dog and it hurt much more than I expected. Like you, I don't feel well most of the time, and I'm so glad I did a lot of traveling and crazy things like para-sailing, river rafting, hot air ballooning, etc., when I was young because I just wouldn't be able to do all that walking today, and, like you, I don't have the energy or inclination to do anything either. I really hope you somehow get over your depression and that I don't slip into it. lol We sound like two peas in a pod, and I know I will be looking for your posts to see how you're doing. You know those news stories on tv where cops find an old lady dead in her house & they say "the place was a mess; cat cans all over the place & the house needed cleaning". I know what those little old ladies said to themselves every day - "I'll clean that mess up in a minute". Hang in there, Tiger.

[DesertFlower]

85. so sorry about your dog.

i've had to put down several cats and it's hard. hubby would never to in with me. he couldn't handle it.

you did some interesting things. i wasn't that adventurous. my idea of a nice vacation was lying on the beach.

my friend went skydiving 2x.

let's hope we both have better health problems. try not to go into a depression. of course, it's easier said than done.

[closeupready]

61. Sending you love and warm thoughts from New York, DF!

Don't you dare go anywhere - I'd miss your presence here!!

[DesertFlower]

64. thank you so much. nt

[Live and Learn]

14. You deserve no such thing. Nobody "deserves" being homeless.

What you do "deserve" is to find happiness. Put your efforts to that end. If that means getting help from the medical world, your family or simply getting a way for a while, do it because you do deserve to find it.

If you don't know what will make you happy, as many don't, seek some help and start trying new things. Never give up. Life is a strange journey and you never know what is around the corner.

[Zulan]

16. My son struggles with depression and PTSD as well

I picked him up tonight from his apartment I pay for because he was having panic attack after panic attack. He is asleep on the sofa as I write this, and I have taken a day off of work to hang with him tomorrow. When I went to pick up my son tonight, he paused at the door of his apartment, weeping in frustration because he was afraid to leave his apartment. I turned to him, cracked a grin, held out my hand and said "do you trust me?". He took my hand and I led him outside.

Life is broad and wide. It's so much more than you have had a chance to experience, There are places you cannot imagine, people who you need to know, things that would make you weep with joy.

You by god do not deserve to be punished for who you are and what you are struggling to be. This is a illness, and you need the opportunity to live it. Your parents enable you? They love you, and try to do what is right, but there are no roadsigns for the parents of hurting kids. It is so hard to do the right things, to say the right things, to communicate your love.

Find a person trained in this, someone who can truly help you. Know that there are people who give a shit about you, who are interested in you, who are worried about you.

If you need counseling, go get it. Try volunteering, or holding conversations online with people, talking about subjects you are interested in. Collect coins? I will send you a few Indian heads and we can start a collection. The world is wide open!

It's easy to cheer from the sidelines, but let people help you. You are worth it. YOU are. Never doubt that. You are struggling with feeling useless, and punishing yourself. I dare you to challenge me, challenge this whole board. The people on here have seen everything, and done amazing things. we can provide perspective. whats preying on your mind? You are not superman, and nobody gets better overnight, but they do get better. they do.

[tomm2thumbs]

20. wonderful reply - very insightful

very very thoughtful

[Locut0s]

24. Thank you!...

That was a powerful and moving post. I thank you greatly for it. I'm sorry to hear your son suffers from depression and PTSD, he evidently has an AMAZING father to support him however. Actually so do I come to think of it. I suppose over the years I have gotten rather tired of returning to square one. It's true that you never truly do, and I do indeed learn something every time I pick myself up. But well, running a marathon by the good old, 10 steps forward and 9 back, well it gets tiring. And I've burned my bridges, so to speak, enough times that I've left a string of embarrassing messes in my wake. I've been suffering from a lot of physical exhaustion these past few months as well which I'm trying to run to ground with my family DR. I'm going to see if I can find some better counseling services than I've had in the past. And hopefully a change in medication as the ones I'm on now aren't the most beneficial. I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist off and on but didn't click with either of them. Nowhere is the DR patient relationship more important than with mental health professionals. Again thank you for the inspirational post!

[GreenPartyVoter]

29. We're on a similar hamster wheel. *hugs* I think many of us who are mentally ill still

struggle with the various stigmas that go along with it, and one of them is the "moocher who doesn't add anything of value to society." Because of my social anxiety and bipolar disorder, I have never been able to hold a job for any length of time, preferring to remain in my home. I am fortunate that my husband can deal with being the sole breadwinner, even though it puts us under financial stress at times.

I want to tell you to never believe that we don't have anything to add to society. We are bright, and funny, and compassionate people and the world is better for us being in it.

I so understand the Doc thing. I lost my family therapist recently due to a health crisis, and my psych doc is one I see only a few times a year for 20 minutes or so at a time. We need to be able to talk things out, and to have someone to keep an eye on us if we are on meds. I hope you get a chance to look for another doc and therapist, so you can extend your support system.

[Zulan]

47. You are welcome

Life is tiring for everyone. I wish it was easier for all of us!

Sounds like you are on the right path. Check your meds, get people who can help. My son tried several people and is about to change again, as he is struggling to find the right person to who resonates with him.

PLEASE understand that the people around you want to help, they just are not sure how. They say stupid stuff like "shake it off" of "why don't you just try" because they don't understand where you are at.

And if you were at square one, would you really be talking to me? Nope, you would be hiding in misery. You know yourself that things are changing. Just keep up the fight. Now I am going to go play some video games with my son. And see what I can do for him today.

[DiverDave]

27. Jeez, what a great mom

Mine would have just hung up on me.
"tough love"

[Zulan]

48. Hey man, I am the dad.

Dads can love too!

And hung up on you? Tough love is a archaic response to depression. You do what YOU need for you to get better. Thats your job right now.

[DiverDave]

67. My dad was a liar and pedophile and a user of people

I would kill him if I could.
He had a genius intellect and used it to hurt and use people.
Raped my sister when she was 6...yeah, he deserves a bullet.
so living that down is tough.

[Zulan]

79. wow... what a loser dad.

I am the nice dad... honest!

[ucrdem]

17. George Orwell wrote a book about it in 1933

called Down and Out in Paris and London. He lived on the street in both cities for several months. Here's a free e-text:

http://www.planetebook.com/Down-and-Out-in-Paris-and-London.asp

Basically he describes it as tolerable but not very clean, and he winds up sharing quarters with a lot of unwashed men with skin conditions. He sleeps in shelters and at one point a Salvation Army. The best part is when he gets a job as a dishwasher for a start-up restaurant called L'Auberge de Jehan Cottard. It's a good summer read.

I'm really sorry to hear you're in a dark place, and I don't think anyone deserves to be homeless. But if this is a real possibility, maybe you could find a shelter somewhere and drop by to see what it's like? You could say you're looking into volunteering if you need to say anything. Then you'd at least know what you're dealing with. And I hope things look up for you soon Locut0s.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

18. Does the beginning of this seem at all familiar?

http://vimeo.com/37916512

[tomm2thumbs]

19. just sharing, not endorsing

Awhile ago I found myself in a pretty tremendous rut... hunting online for free solutions brought me to some videos online that actually worked for me. Not saying it will do it for you but I tried the waking-up one first as an experiment and it worked so I have used the others at times when needed. Just sharing as sometimes something that works for one may work for another.

The intro and other free videos are here:
http://www.tapping.com/videos.html

One I regularly use to get moving again is here:
http://www.tapping.com/videos/overcoming-depression.html

As a note -- I usually use the spacebar to pause the video after each question or if I need a moment so I have time to think of answers/feelings/etc... and then tap the space bar to continue on. The pace is up to you.

Perhaps worth a try, even if just to rule something out if it doesn't work for ya. I only have ever done the free stuff and never signed up for anything there.

_____

Sending lots of good wishes your way for determination to stand your ground and slowly get momentum moving forward again.

[JNelson6563]

22. Look at what you have done!

Dear LocutOs, your OP was probably hard to write and look at the discussion! This is one of the ways DU really shines.

I can't really add to the incredible posts of encouragement and the ones that calmly reveal big, scary problems are astounding.

I hope you are able to achieve a new perspective and enjoy your journey through life. It can be a great adventure in spite of the bumps along the way.

Julie

[HiPointDem]

25. no one 'deserves' it. who is judging you but yourself? i seriously doubt your parents would

feel less burdened if you were living on the streets or dead.

i'll tell you how i got out of a similar funk once; i went & volunteered, initially for just a couple of hours a week, at a charity which took used donated items and refurbished/repurposed them for resale. my initial idea was i could just do the physical/crafting work and not have to deal with people, and it would get me out of the house.

but as there were other volunteers there who were really into arts and crafts, it wound up being very easy & low-key to talk to them about the arts and crafts and refurbishing projects we were doing. and there were some delinquent kids there doing community service hours who got into it too, & i was able to teach them some techniques, which i enjoyed. so it wound up being a very congenial & healing situation.

don't go live on the streets. you don't need to punish yourself; you haven't done anything to deserve it.

[Locut0s]

26. Thank you. many people have recommended volunteer work...

I'll indeed look into it, thank you. I know my parents would not feel less burdened, I'm just feeling particularly badly of late.

[HiPointDem]

28. 'embarrassing messes' = everyone has them. make amends where you need to & move on. they

loom larger in your mind most likely than in other people's.

best of luck to you.

[Ms. Toad]

30. As a parent, I can tell you I'm pretty sure they would.

My daughter has two major illnesses (plus situational depression). She has now finally given up on the college she had been attending, and will be taking a year or so to figure out what she wants to do next, and is currently living at home.

She goes back and forth between sitting around watching videos and stuffing her face, and doing things to figure out how to move forward with a life she never expected to be living. Those things don't cost me any less (and some of the cost more), or make my life any easier in terms of support I'm providing. But it makes a tremendous difference in how hopeful/hopeless I feel about her life.

To watch a child you love struggling so much costs far more than the money and time involved in providing physical care. Seeing signs of reconciliation with the unfair limitations in her life and of moving forward really lighten that burden (even though there is no objective reason they should).

[bunnies]

34. Ive lived on the street.

I was 19 years old. In a strange state, with no friends, no car and no money. A series of bad decisions & things beyond my control got me there. And it was something I will never, ever forget. I slept on the roof of a strip mall... if you could call it sleep. And snuck into hotel pool areas to shower. I was in constant fear of everything and had no idea how to get myself out of the hole I'd ended up in. At the same time free of lifes cumbersome 'obligations' and trapped by fear of the unknown & uncontrollable. When you are on the street, you are at the mercy of everything & everybody. The weather, strangers, authority figures. Nobody wants you around. And when my bag, a trashbag, with everything I owned was stolen from its hiding spot in the woods, I literally felt like I wanted to die. I was ultimately arrested for "stealing" food from a dumpster behind a steak & ale restaurant in the strip mall. I subsequently spent six months in jail for being a "flight risk" aka having no address. I was actually charged with, get this, defrauding an inkeeper. Seems the manager considered my dumpster dive as stealing a meal.

But you know where else I could have been when I was 19? MIT. My stepfather was a chemist there and got me an 'in'. And that's just one of my 100 & 1 opportunities squandered. You are not alone in that regard, my friend.

I understand that your experience on the street would be different than mine. But the feeling of constant exposure isn't something I would wish on anyone. Especially someone with social anxiety. You do NOT deserve to be out there twisting in the wind. Open and vulnerable, at the mercy of the world, You do NOT deserve it. Whatever mistakes you've made, however many regrets you have, regardless of how down you feel you need to be on yourself. You are not a burden to those who love you.

[TeeYiYi]

45. Wow...

...So many amazing replies of encouragement in this thread.

Yours really struck a cord with me, bunnies.

Big k + r for this thought provoking OP.

TYY

[bunnies]

72. Thanks Tee

[Sissyk]

46. +1000

[rustydog]

55. I wish I oculd share your experiences with some of my uncaring hateful coworkers

who chose to believe Homelessness is "chosen" because it is a free ride: free healthcare, free food, free rent in homeless communities!
Yet those with signs on the street corner saying: "Homeless, anything helps God Bless"
Are actually Volvo driving people scamming bleeding hearts...

I remember one gentleman 6 months ago. He was brought into the ER by medics. The Seattle area had several days of torrential (biblical) rainfall. This guy was drenching wet, close to hypothermic and just sick and tired of being cold, wet and hated by people.
he yelled, I just want a shower! I want warm fucking food! I've been under a bridge for two fucking years! I'm sick of it!"

And my caring healthcare professional coworkers treat him as he should be treated, a disruptive homeless person who doesn't deserve their compassion because he is smelly, he is cursing and they are scared of him. Thank you for your post, I admire you, I wish I had your strength.

[bunnies]

71. Thanks rusty....

I only *wish* there had been any of that! lol. You know, its like with anything. Im sure there are some who pose as homeless to take advantage of kind people. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that those are a vast-super-mega-minority. And you know what? I'd rather take the chance of accidentally giving a dollar or two to a person who drives a volvo than miss the opportunity to help someone who really, really needs it.

I don't think people really understand the level of cruelty in humanity until one is in a position to be at its mercy.

Ive only recently experienced the cold "compassion" of the healthcare industry. What Ive found is that the more power or money a person has... the less they seem to give a shit. Ive met some wonderful people in the 'assistant' category. Sometimes working in the office or nursing or physical therapy. But those will the *real* power... not so much. Don't have health insurance? Not critical? Check ya later! Yeah. Thats an entirely different rant. lol

You work in the healthcare field... Im willing to bet you *do* have my strength. I could never do it!

[HiPointDem]

68. +100

[H2O Man]

36. Yep.

I was homeless for a year -- from the summer of 1975 through the summer of '76.

There were some "good times," but it sucks to be broke, cold, and hungry. I do not recommend the experience.

[panader0]

38. Don't live on the street.

Get some good camping gear and live in the mountains, by a good trout stream.
It'll do wonders for you.

[hunter]

40. It didn't work for me.

For one thing, I had other medical problems that were not well controlled and could have killed me.

Living by a good trout stream is nice when a person is healthy, not so nice when one has a raging pneumonia.

[Junkdrawer]

41. Drugs? Alcohol?

If so, all I can say is "Been there, done that"

AA changed my life. You'll be with people who have been where you've been or worse.

And if you've tried and failed before, give it another shot. It was my 3rd or 4th try.

You'll work your ass off, but joy is out there. Nothing worthwhile is free.

[hunter]

42. "Living on the streets" is my mental backstop, and I may be flippant about it sometimes...

... but it sucks.

My untreated depression comes with a large side order of paranoia, which is probably a survival mechanism. Unfortunately that paranoia also makes me invisible to people who might otherwise help me.

In my blackest darkest places there is no chance I'd ever "pull myself out of it." I'd simply die alone somewhere.

When I'm not in those dark places I keep my social safety nets in some sort of repair because I know at some point I'll need someone to reach out and tell me, "Hey, you need to eat," or "why don't you walk with me to the health clinic."

My parents haven't had to drag me to the E.R. for a very long time, but they still would, as would my wife, kids, siblings, and friends.

I'd do the same for any of them, and even strangers.

I've burned many bridges in my life, even blown a few up, but so far I've been lucky enough to know and love people who will find a boat or swim across the river to fetch me back.

[Zulan]

49. Can you get it treated somehow?

It may do you a world of good.

[hunter]

54. Maybe I should have been clearer, I'm "treated" now More or less...

Meds work until they don't, or until I get tired of the side effects, and then I'm onto the next. It's a merry-go-round. Sometimes I fall off, but I get back on.

I'm probably not in the best place I could be at the moment, but I'm a long way from the worst I've been.

[redqueen]

44. Yep. It is no fun.

It was only a few months for me.

[rustydog]

50. No, I haven't lived on the streets..but in over 30 years of hospital security

I have had contact with homeless individuals and it is not an option you would want to consciously make. You live in the elements, you sleep around people with serious mental issues. You would be living in a world where you can be killed for your sleeping bag or your spare change. people have judged you once they see your unkempt appearance and once you begin to smell. (sorry, but people always comment on the stinky homeless who chose to be this way)

You seek out bathrooms in public facilities, not only to use for basic cleanliness, but as a boarding room. you sleep under bridges and overpasses, in city parks and amid briar patches for protection. You do not get to have a room to shit, shower and shave then change into clean clothing on a daily basis....

My son-in-law has social-anxiety issues and I see his struggles on a daily basis. He is hanging in there and he keeps trying. The suicide comment is concerning, that means you have considered it as an option...Suicide is not a viable option. You may not be suffering any more, but those who care (in their own way) are left with devastation.

I wish I had an answer for you my friend, I do not. But I do care and I hope you find the answers you are seeking.

[IdaBriggs]

52. Seriously? You *want* to live on the street?

Because it sounds *easier* than getting your crap together and getting some help?

Look, I have family members who have made all kinds of interesting choices, and I have to tell you, this post made me VERY angry with you.

Depression SUCKS. Are you getting it treated? If not, WHY NOT?

Here you are, with "squandered opportunities" and a family that is supporting you. Dude, your time is running out -- your parents are NOT always going to be here to foot the bills, and you have an OBLIGATION to make the world a better place.

I do not care how you do that - volunteering, working, raising a family, raising awareness -- we need you to make a contribution to the planet. And if you can't because you are suffering from crippling untreated depression, then google "therapist" or "free help with depression" and for the love of all that is holy, GET SOME HELP.

We need you. We need you DESPERATELY. There are so many people out here who don't have basic necessities, who are living on the edge of disaster, and WE NEED YOU to HELP.

Do you need medication? You live in Canada - GET ON IT. Do you need to stop self-medicating? THEN STOP. Do you need to control your blood sugar / eat a healthier diet? THEN DO IT.

Turn off the television, put away the distractions (whatever they are), and GET SOME HELP.

If you need some ideas of how you can help make the world a better place (and I am NOT talking about you leaving it), DUers will happily chip in and tell you about all the things we need done. I am *personally* completely overworked at the moment, and could really use some help re-vamping a website for a non-profit. Want to help?

We also have Wish-A-Doo - the list of things we can set you to work on there is large. Also, if you have any carpentry skills, we can set you up doing handyman projects for those without skills. Can you push a lawn mower? Tis the season, and if you go take a walk, you will probably find a couple of homes in your neighborhood where someone could use a hand.

If you are "living the dream" where you are able bodied and all of your earthly needs are being provided - food, shelter, etc. - then GET OFF YOUR ASS AND HELP OUT.

And the FIRST PERSON you need to help out is YOURSELF, SO PICK UP A PHONE AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW!!!

[Shampoobra]

53. "part of me really doesn't care it seems" ... I hope this helps:

This is the experience of a man who found himself homeless for the first time. Whenever I start to feel inferior for needing to accept help from others, I remind myself of the alternatives...

http://www.alternet.org/story/102992/5_pieces_of_advice_for_the_new_paupers/

5 Pieces of Advice for the New Paupers
by John Dolan

(snip)

Above all, you need to have a dry, warm place to sleep. We had only an unheated boat, and that was not enough. We woke up to the thump of sea ice banging against the hull and realized that the old world was still very much in session. When we finally fled to stay with family, we stayed in our blankets up against their gas fireplace for weeks. You won't even want food much after a while. You'll want heat itself, not the chemical middleman. You are going to realize that cold is the most frightening thing in the world. In older English dialects, "to starve" meant "to freeze." You will see why.

(snip)

Cops can smell desperation, and they hate the poor. I didn't hate cops as much before, except drug cops, but God, I hate them now. The real purpose of cops is to keep poor people off the roads. That's their only real goal. On my way to an interview for a job that could have gotten us out of the gutter, a cop stopped me because my insurance was two weeks overdue -- for the simple reason that we didn't have money to pay it. She gave me a $600 ticket for that, plus $120 for not having an updated address on my driver's license. Then she called for a tow truck and told me, "So, a lesson learned here today!" as I watched my car get towed away and trudged off with our terrified dog down a typical Western suburban road: four lanes of fast traffic with no sidewalks. Are you poor? The cops are your enemy now. Accept it.

(snip)

The idea behind that damn boat was that instead of paying the insanely high West Coast rents, we'd live on the boat for free. This is a very bad idea. Any idea you have of retreating to some simple, free habitation should be regarded with deep doubt. The thing is, you can't get back to the comfortable, heated world from a place like that boat. No Internet. You need the 'net if you're ever going to claw your way back. You need a working shower, which that boat lacked. Otherwise you develop that look, that smell you first encountered in the free clinic waiting room. It's not a good look, jobwise. Maybe if we'd gotten rid of the dog I'd have had a chance.

But you lose more than that. You change completely, more than you realize, to the point that even if you get a break you can't grab it. After months of applying for teaching jobs without even getting answers, the perfect job opened up for me at a local college. It was half creative writing, half teaching literature and composition -- all my specialties. But when the interview started I realized I was no longer someone who could talk the quiet, polite, oblique version of self-promotion demanded by academic hiring committees. I was too deeply, permanently spooked by our condition. I was just plain wrong, unhireably wrong in every way. No hot water on the boat, and I needed to shave the graying wisps of hair on my big bald head, so I'd shaved in the McDonald's men's room on the way to the interview, with a cheap Bic shaver. You can guess the results: I looked like a bobcat had tried to roost on my scalp and been evicted after a violent struggle. The used sport coat we'd spent our last $20 of Visa credit on at Value Village didn't seem to fit nearly so well once I was inside that humming, immaculate classroom where the interview was held. And I had become a louder, more desperate, excessive person. When I tried to sound positive, it came out furious. When they asked me, as I'd known they would, why someone who'd taught at bigger universities wanted to come to this small rural campus, I said truthfully, "I'd rather teach here in the forest than at Stanford." It didn't come out enthusiastic; it came out strident. After months of being a bum, I was the wrong volume, the wrong temperature. I could feel the job slipping away, and in fact they hired a local guy who was friends with the director, even though my resume kicked his resume's ass.

Locut0s, I suggest you do what I am currently doing. Keep accepting help from your loved ones. Work slowly and gradually toward warmth, light, love, and security.

Whatever hell you sometimes feel like you're experiencing, it's nothing compared to living in a survivalist environment where everyone's first concerns, by necessity, are their own immediate needs.

[FSogol]

80. Wish I could rec your reply to the OP. n/t

[liberal N proud]

56. If it had not been for a very nice college professor, I would have been very close

I was a the end of my ropes after graduating college in the Reagan years, applied to over 500 companies nation wide, back when you had to type each letter separately and have printed copies of your resume.

This nice lady let me live in her second floor apartment for several months without paying rent until I found a job. Her only request was that I take care of her giant black Lab.

She saved me from the street. Once I found a job, I started to pay her back rent.

When someone tells me the Reagan years were so great, I laugh in their face and tell them not from where I was.

[Dash87]

57. I feel you. Is there someone you can talk to?

Don't be ashamed to talk to a professional.

You are less of a burden than you think you are. That's always the case. I know it doesn't seem like it, but that's the truth. Take care for your health (physical and mental).

[Cal Carpenter]

62. I'm not unlike you

Older, but similar issues. Depression, social anxiety, self worth issues come and go and sometimes to very dark places. You have gotten some excellent replies. It warms my cynical heart to see how goddamn *human* DU can become on threads like this.

I don't have much to add except the old concept that no matter where you go, you will still be there, ya know? I don't recommend homelessness. You won't get away from your own head.

Things *can* get better. I hope for you that they do.

And most important of all - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please remind yourself of that. Bookmark this thread and read it over and over. Some amazing words here, and honesty.

[KamaAina]

63. I assume your universal healthcare covers mental illness

Use it. And feel free to thumb your nose at the good old U.S. of A. as you do so.

[RebelOne]

65. I went through a few years of depression,

and I had to go to a psychiatrist for a while, but I was lucky and my health insurance paid for it. No, fortunately I never had to live on the streets, but came close to it a couple of times.

[Iggo]

70. Yep. 7 months.

It sucks.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

73. What would you like to know?

[justiceischeap]

75. I know it's hard to see right now, but you'd be better off to stay where you are

because even though you're not feeling anything right now, being on the street would just make things 1000 times worse. Maybe see about getting on some meds? I know they don't always fix the problem, but you won't know unless you try.

I speak from experience, I've suffered with depression since the age of 14 or so (42 now). I finally had to admit a few months ago that life wasn't going so well with me off my meds, so I've gone back on. Things are marginally better. I also was against therapy for the longest time but finally succumbed to a good therapist and that has helped as well. Just learning to cope with some of my issues that add to the depression has been good. The problems will always be there but the coping mechanisms are new.

[NoOneMan]

76. If you feel yourself sliding

Don't let yourself be homeless. Choose to be free. Don't sleep on the street. Sleep among the trees. Its a losing game to try to scavange & survive on the bottom in a concrete shithole designed to exploit all but the most fortunate.

[CJCRANE]

77. I think you should read Ray Bradbury's "Zen In The Art Of Writing".

I can't really explain succinctly why at the moment...but I suggest you get hold of a copy if you get the chance.

[Jennicut]

78. Never lived on the street but I have had depression and self esteem issues my entire life.

I have been on multiple different meds, been suicidal, spent a few days in a psych ward in college. My parents were always there for me even when I felt like giving up. At 29 I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. I had just had my second daughter. It made my depression worse at times. Sometimes I feel just want to give up dealing with my disease and just stop taking my insulin. My immune system sucks and I dwell on being so unhealthy for a 37 year old. But what honestly keeps me going the most is that my daughters are young and need their mother. I can't give up on me because it would be giving up on them. So I take my depression meds, see my multiple doctors, test my blood sugar 5 times a day and take my insulin. I have gone to phychiatrists that made me realize that maybe I am worthy of living. Don't give up, I know it is not easy but everyone deserves to live.

[JNelson6563]

84. I'm glad you are trying so hard!

You are worth it and your girls need & deserve it!



Julie--from one mom (who has struggled) to another

[ohheckyeah]

82. I've never lived on the street

but I suffered for a number of years with depression, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. I can't really tell you exactly how I overcame it all, at least not here and your journey would be different anyway, but what I can tell you is that you CAN overcome it. I'm no longer on any prescription medication and I no longer have agoraphobia, panic attacks, or depression. When I was in the midst of all of that turmoil I thought that was it...that would be the rest of my life, but I was wrong. The last 16 years of my life have been happy. Not trouble free, but happy nevertheless. Where there's life there is hope.

[Jasana]

83. I have never lived on the street but my best friend had to when he lost his job...

It is hard and dangerous. He did not want to go to shelters because he was afraid his stuff would be stolen. He slept in his car a lot and got harassed by the cops. He couch surfed a lot and even friends got aggravated with him because he got depressed and stop looking for jobs.

Being out on the street is no place for you. You should avoid it at all costs. If you think you are depressed and anxious at home, I can grantee you your will feel 100 times worse out of the street.

If you have family willing to work through this with you (and it sounds like your Dad does) make the most of them. If you can afford counseling, you should try. Please try before you damage yourself even more by living out on the streets,