Stillbirth (a taboo subject) -- w/edit
EDIT TO ADD: I created a blog post based on this discussion. Pain: Our Common DenominatorStillbirth, I believe even more so than miscarriage, has been a taboo subject in our society for a long time. It's not something that is discussed; most people avoid discussion like the plague. It's not just about the loss of the child...you lose all your hopes & dreams for that child and yourself. You grieve the loss of that future.
I know because it happened to me. My first child, Joshua. 22 years ago, though it will always seem like yesterday.
I didn't realize this subject hadn't been covered in a movie before now, but that is what "Return to Zero" is about. They have an amazing cast, including Minnie Driver. I'll announce when a release date is set, but in case you know anyone who has been through this particular tragedy, I wanted to share the Return to Zero site and the trailer (see below).
Even though it is a tragedy, I want to add that most of us would go through the experience again and again if it meant we could hold our child just one more time.
I have said that all these years, that there are no regrets. I was so grateful that I treasured every moment of the pregnancy; of course, I had no idea that treasuring each moment of the pregnancy would be my memories of Joshua. Even though labor and delivery were heartbreaking (I knew ahead of time), I still treasure those moments as they are part of my memories.
Another mom wrote this but it echoes my feelings:
"After everything I went through when Christian died and after everything that I am still going through, I would do it all over again. Why? Because he is my son, my beloved child and I would do anything just to hold him again. I would endure all of that pain and heartache because it would mean that I would get to experience all of that LOVE in its rawest most beautiful form again. I would STILL choose him because I STILL love him."
While I obviously can't speak for everyone, I think that's a very important message many of us want to convey. Please don't pity us or think we wish we never would have been pregnant to begin with. On the contrary, we treasure what little time we had.
I was definitely treated as a leper after I gave birth to Joshua. People were simply so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say or do. I was new to the area when I was pregnant with Joshua, and most of my friends were from childbirth classes, pregnancy yoga classes, etc. I realize they turned away because they couldn't bear to imagine that the same could happen to them; still, it was painful to be ignored, as though I had a disease. (In case you're wondering, I had a perfect pregnancy; no problems whatsoever. We'll never know what happened.)
Hopefully this film will allow for more awareness and nurture more open dialogue.
If you have questions, feel free to ask me anything. This is a large community; I'm sure some of you here have experienced stillbirth as well.
http://www.returntozerothemovie.com/
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That's very kind. Thank you.
That had to have been very painful, on top of a very stressful situation as it was.
I feel so sad for you having lost your little one and how awful to not even know why..
First of all, I am so very, very sorry, Arkansas Granny. I'm sorry for every aspect of the suffering involved in your experience.
That is a huge blessing I have always been aware of and stayed focused upon: My child didn't suffer. I feel strongly that he didn't suffer in any way.
I am truly sorry for your ordeal, and I hope me posting this didn't upset you terribly.
There really aren't enough hugs in the world, but I sure send you many virtual hugs, Arkansas Granny.
No, it doesn't go away.
I agree with the producer of the film, this is a subject which needs to be discussed and brought out into the open.
One of my co-workers had a stillbirth and she wanted to talk about it, but she was surprised that co-workers didn't know how to discuss it. We were newborn nursery nurses. It was so hard for her to go back to work and see all the healthy babies. But she was also sad that other co-workers did not know what to say etc.
The double-whammy of newborn nurses, professionals, not knowing what to say, combined with seeing all the happy new parents and babies....just wow.....
I didn't think about it before, but if this movie ends up being good, it's one healthcare professionals should see as well.
I recall going to see my primary care physician about three weeks after delivery; I forget what for now. I had seen him for something during the pregnancy, so he knew I was expecting. When I came in and told him what happened, I broke down.
He was so cold and simply said, "I can see you're still grieving."
STILL GRIEVING? It was three weeks ago!
I transferred docs after that.
How cold of that doctor to say that.....
it is as though it's a taboo subject, simply because (understandably) people don't know how to react.
There are reportedly 26,000 stillbirths in the US each year.
It's not as common because the number of overall pregnancies carried to term is down from previous generations. I know in my grandmother's time, for example, they would often have several stillbirths in the midst of multiple pregnancies and deliveries.
How awful.
and I actually have always had tremendous empathy for others who struggle in the face of someone else's pain and grief.
Sometimes silence truly is best.
I feel it's the pulling away from those who are grieving, because of our own discomfort with others' pain and grief, that is so painful. Hopefully this movie will help alleviate to some degree, for some people.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
I remember feeling so awful for the nurses and midwives and others on the floor. I know it is so hard on all of you as well. I was fortunate in that they were wonderful...they felt like family by the time I left.
Thank you for sharing part of your experience in this process, and that you carefully dress our babies with love as you do the other babies.
That is one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me.
No words, just gratitude.
One thing I've learned over the years is that -- regarding grief and pain of all types -- is to never say, "I know what you're going through."
No one knows precisely what another is going through, as every situation is unique. You handled it beautifully, in my humble opinion.
People have a difficult time with grief and pain in general, and just do not know how to deal with it.
I am sorry you're enduring the pain of the passing of your beloved husband.
Big, big hugs, to you, mimitabby.
But there is so much love and tenderness on this thread I just wanted to say thank you. There is kindness in the world and that is something to hold on very tightly to in times of hardship. Thank you all. I will think of Joshua tonight and I hope you get to see his smiling face again.
Over the last few weeks I've come to realize something.
I am someone who is always trying to find common ground on which to build conversation about matters of import. What I've come to realize is this: Pain is our common denominator. It can be where we find common ground to create genuine connection and experience authentic compassion.
Pain is part of this human experience. Sharing our pain with others, listening to and accepting others' pain -- acknowledging, then releasing the pain -- can be extraordinarily healing.
Being able to openly share and discuss our pain is really important.
Thank you for your kind words, BrotherIvan.
I'm not sure how I made it through the first five years, to be honest, but I did. The five-year mark was a turning point.
I went to the cemetery every single day at 2:12 (the time of birth/death) for the first year. Every single day.
I haven't thought about a lot of this in many years now.
