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[Dreamsoldier76]

This message was self-deleted by its author (Dreamsoldier76) on Fri Jun 14, 2013, 12:39 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Thank you for this, Dreamsoldier76...

Writing this had to be difficult. It's tough to read all the misfortune you've experienced.

I would strongly suggest that you stay away from your family; they're toxic for you, as you surely know. Talk to your therapist about that.

I really hope that your life will improve.

[rug]

2. Check out this group.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1151

I was going to say welcome to DU but you've been around almost 4 years. Post more!

[SheilaT]

3. I also want to encourage you to separate completely from your family of origin.

Given how you've described your family, even if you were a meat-eating heterosexual they would pounce on any other difference (Democrat? converted to another religion, or abandoned religion altogether? Go into some "unworthy" profession?) to abuse you. Alas, your being gay, progressive, vegetarian, and everything else about you that does not conform to their narrow world-view only gives them fuel and justification to abuse you.

I can only hope you find the help you deserve.

[lunasun]

5. I could not agree more - you need a complete divorce from your family

It will open space in your life for others to come around that respect and admire you
You are being assigned an archtype role in the family dysfunction and should not accept it.
Sometimes the 'F" in F-a-m-i-l-y stands for fuck off!

[AtheistCrusader]

7. It's hard, very very hard.

But sometimes you gotta write off the people in your life that wish you harm.

If they cannot stop harming you physically or emotionally, then be done with them. They have no claim to your life or your happiness. It sucks. It hurts to do, sometimes. Especially since you've already been hurt.

Only advice I can give. Be done with them. Be an orphan. Biological orphans find new love too.

[FSogol]

32. Same here. You can choose your friends, but not your family.

Cut ties when necessary.

[tblue]

4. I wish you lived nearer.

Sending you a pm.

[TDale313]

6. Thank you, Dreamsoldier.

This can't have been easy to post. You're in my thoughts, and I was really touched by your message.

[KT2000]

8. I'm glad you shared this here

DreamSoldier. Your post is also a reminder to all of us to be kind because we don't really know who we are speaking to and what they may be going through.

I don't think you will be able to change your family and it will just dash your hopes for the family you always wanted. They enjoy being who they are and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

I feel for you and hope something good comes to you soon. In the meantime, post more here and keep your pets close.

[KauaiK]

9. Ohana

"Family" does not have to be biological. In Hawaii there is a concept of Ohana - family - and ha nai which is informal adoption (to raise, rear, feed, nourish, sustain) Ha nai is recognized by the State as having legal rights.

You can have DU Ohana that will nourish your soul. DU supports its members and has some of the most wonderful supportive kind-hearted people on the planet. Stay in touch with them.

[No Vested Interest]

10. I disagree somewhat with those who say separate completely

from your family.
I my mind, it's always good and wise to leave the slightest opening, if only to your mother.

Obviously, she (and they) are ignorant of your real needs and likely would continue to hurt you if given a chance.
However, for your own sake, keep in touch with your mother - on her birthday a card, just wishing her well and letting her know you are getting along. - Nothing wordy, not even a return address if you feel that's best. But that small gesture will help diminish the hole you have in your heart re your family.

I have seen in my extended family the hurt and harm that can not be undone completely because of all the time gone by and times unshared. Thankfully, healing has been done, but only after the death of the instigator.

Please continue to keep in touch via DU. There is much kindness and empathy here, and there are those that can suggest means. even though small to bring you to the fuller life you deserve. (And you do deserve that, I hope you realize.)

[airplaneman]

11. I have a personal saying

Find yourself a couple of good friends and call yourself lucky. They are out there and you will know it when you find them. And yes pets can also be great friends as they never really judge you, they appreciate kindness, and return affection. Hang in there and good luck.
-Airplane

[busterbrown]

12. I’m a sober member of A.A. for many years.

Can give you advice concerning of the disease and what it does to the soul. I realize that is not your problem however it seems others close to you might suffer from this deadly horrific disease..

[Granny M]

15. AlAnon would be a great resource.

Adult Children of Alcoholics has been helpful to a lot of people from toxic families.

[busterbrown]

17. Absolutely!

Many Alcoholics go to alanon as well... Control issues are huge..

[DLnyc]

13. hey, I hear you

That's one bad, bad hand you got. You must be one tough person, to have survived all that. I salute you and whatever it is that keeps you going! You are so right, people don't think much sometimes about who they might be speaking to! Almost dumped this response but what the hell, maybe you will appreciate the respect I am trying to offer, so here it is. Perhaps with time the bitterness and pain will become a poignant sort of wisdom? Anyway, that's an idea that sort of keeps me going. May joy sneak into your life, somehow, eventually!

[Warpy]

16. Some families are toxic and their children need to break ties with them

You aren't the only orphan with living parents out there and sadly, you won't be the last. You can never depend on support, validation or acceptance with any of them, although at some point, it might happen. You can't count on it, though.

People who have met my family or heard about my extended family have all looked at me and said "Now I understand. Nobody normal could have come from that bunch!" I managed to keep touch, but barely.

It's true, but it also means that I haven't ever felt it necessary to live up or down to whatever "normal" is supposed to be. In many ways, that's liberating.

It also means you need to find people who do support, validate and accept you and fill your life with them instead of trying to brave family reunions because of duty.

It can be done. You can heal. Your family, I'm afraid, will always be closed minded jerks even if they do come to terms with who you are by the time they die.

[handmade34]

18. ....

[Le Taz Hot]

19. As one who grew up in an

EXTREMELY abusive household can I just offer one bit of advice? Walk away from the caustic family members and caustic "friends" who choose not to accept you for who you are. These people are taking out their sick issues on you. PLEASE remember that THEY are the sick ones and that you are their victim. You are now an adult and you now have choices and I say you HAVE to walk away. I had to learn the hard way that sometimes the only thing family members have in common is DNA.

I could actually write for days on this subject but let me just say this: It took me a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time -- decades to figure out I am the warm, wonderful, funny, totally irreverent person I am and always was. You also have wonderful qualities but you've not been taught how to recognize those qualities so you have to teach yourself. Teach yourself that it's OK to say, "I am really good at _________," I have a talent for ____________," People like me because I'm _______________." Start there.

[magellan]

20. Hugs to you, Dreamsoldier

And I'd like to echo the others here who've suggested you keep away from your toxic family. I had to dump one whole side of my family over their emotional abuse. Friends too, who weren't keen on me bettering myself because they were used to being able to manipulate me. Best thing I ever did for myself. The door isn't closed - when they can respect me, they're welcome back in. Till then (if), my life is a whole lot more stable for not being batted around by them.

I wish I had as simple an answer for your depression and PTSD. Those are lifelong struggles. 30 years on from the beginning of my recovery and I still have triggers I can't place, and some I'm aware of but I'm no better at dealing with. But progress can be made, and you will find someone who loves you exactly for who you are. The hardest thing is learning to love and respect yourself. Please don't give up. You've already touched lives here, as I'm sure you do every day in your normal walk of life. Take small bites at your issues and be gentle with yourself. You're worth it.

[B Calm]

21. K&R

[GeorgeGist]

22. You articulate well.

You can be poor most anywhere, so what keeps you there?

[lunatica]

23. Hugs to you

You're in a good place in DU. There are lots of wonderful people here ever willing to listen to those who have been traumatized in their lives. Many of us have left our families behind because they're toxic and it's ridiculous to continue allowing abusive relatives to continue destroying us.

[Shankapotomus]

24. You may not realize it but

YOU are your greatest strength, Dreamsoldier.

Sometimes people are not as supportive and understanding of us as we wish they could be. The good news is each of us carries contentment within ourselves everywhere we go regardless of whether we are alone in the world or not. You have that same contentment within you. You just have to tap into it.

When you feel lonely remember this:

We don't need other people to make us happy. We need other people to make us unhappy.

That doesn't mean every person we encounter in life will disappoint us. It just says unhappiness always requires teamwork and we are stronger when we are alone than we think.

And so are you.

[Laelth]

25. Welcome to DU. I wish you well. n/t

-Laelth

[Arugula Latte]

26. ...

[nolabear]

27. You are not alone. And you have talent that can be tremendously helpful to others.

You write very well. Very well. You also think very well. The things you have gone through have clearly hurt but not destroyed you, and that fact means you have the raw material to turn them into a valuable resource.

Keep thinking and writing, and empathizing with those who feel alone. That is how new and innovative groups form; people seek like minds and work for change.

Welcome to DU. Your strengths are an asset here.

[redqueen]

28. I'm sorry you're hurting...

I wish you didn't feel so alone.

Hopefully you will be able to find some people you click with, online if nothing else.

Please take care of yourself ok? You sound like a gentle soul and the world needs more of those, not less.

[sagetea]

29. Wow

Your courage is inspiring! Somewhere inside you is great strength, I hope you realize that. It takes so much to stand alone and fight for what is right,instead of letting yourself become self loathing and agreeing with your family, that my dear is pure courage! Be proud of yourself, you saw at an early age of right and wrong and you stuck to your inner strength and fought through it. I'm proud of you!
It doesn't matter what your family believes, you stay true to yourself, you are a more worthy person than they are. Thank you for sharing your story.

Ho
sage

[Rockyj]

31. Two Spirit

Thank you sagetea for sharing, I am assuming you're Native American too. Yes Dreamsoldier76, your courage is inspiring!
I have a sister and a nephew who are "Two Spirited" that before colonization and western thinking was forced upon us were considered very sacred and honored as a human being who was born with two spirits. Your family or others do not define who you are, only our creator and you can do that.

You were given this gift for a reason and hopefully someday you will realize this and stand proud.
http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/two-spirits/film.html

[link:http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/two-spirits/film.html|

[sagetea]

33. Mawho (Choctaw) for 2 Spirits

actually 1/4 Sik-Sika Blackfoot tribe, 1/4 Irish mom's side 1/4 French and 1/4 Rojo ( Romanian Gypsy) dad's side.

This whole anti gay shit just pisses me off! You are right only Creator can define us, and why the hell do we even listen to idiots numbskulls is beyond me! Who are THEY in their pathetic lives, to judge us? Everyone of us has the blood of warriors and royalty in us WE are all related, we are all HUMAN beings!

We are the survivors of evolution we need to start appreciating each other, grow the fuck up,and find solutions to our problems or humanity is in fucking trouble!

sorry for the rant!

nice to meet you!

ho
sage

[noiretextatique]

30. thank you for sharing

i wish you lived here in oakland. i am a part of a very supportive and diverse community of gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people. you are a very resilient person. i had a pretty rough childhood too, and there were times i simply could not engage with my family. claiming nothing but the best for you

[DonRedwood]

34. I love you buddy

And I'm not the only one.

You must tell the Universe exactly what you want. Put your past in the past and look for a future.

There are beautiful things all around you, find those, embrace the beauty. Start there.

Some good energy from me to you. The best a far-away stranger can do. But there is a light in all of us, you too. Find it and embrace it.