Again, I played God Today...... (my Mom)

[Bennyboy]

The doctors have been pressuring me to take her off of the antibiotics and pull her feeding tube. they expect her to pass within a the next couple of days.

If you remember three weeks ago I was faced with a similar dilemma in regards to her breathing tube. but she pulled it herself and seemed for a couple of days to be getting better. But she then got worse and has been getting worse every day. blood pressure lower, fluid buildup (she wrapped head to toe in gauze now).

So today I made the decision to stop that. I tired to call my brother twice but he has not returned my calls. he is an asshole anyway. He actually sent her a big old package of stuff that is now only going to be a pain in my ass. He knew she could not read, or even stay awake long enough or use a knitted afghan, but I guess he needs to assuage his guilt and that is his way. I wrote him a letter that if he wants the things he mentioned he wanted, and the crap he mailed me on Monday, he can send me a check for 1,000 dollars.

I do have a question however, what is my obligation here? Do I make sure I am there for the bitter end as I was for my dad and wished ever since that I wasn't? Or do I go in say goodbye, tell her I love her, hold her hand (tomorrow...again for like the 20th time this month) and then leave and don't look back and wait for the phone call??? It was next to impossible with my dad and I don't think I will ever want to witness that again, family or no family.

I have also decided to walk away from everything here with the exception of my posters. I don't want, nor can I , move it anywhere. Not allowed to have a garage sale. Went through that CL thing before when we moved here and it was a complete waste of time in every sense of the word.

So too bad for the apartment people, they are gonna deal with a lot of crap, but I am not going to deal with it and sure as hell can't take it with me, because I have no place to go. You can only fit so much stuff in a minivan you know.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Your obligation is whatever you wish it to be, my dear Bennyboy...

I think whatever you want to do is good. Your scenario looks just fine. You know what you can handle...

May she pass easily...

[bunnies]

2. bunnies-mr just went through this same sort of thing...

with his father as he was dying of cancer. He didnt have the burden of the decisions you have, just the choice of whether or not to be there. When it came down to it, we started on our drive to VT but turned around rather quickly. Its a decision neither he nor I have come to regret.

The only obligation you have is to yourself. As it was for bunnies-mr. The decision you will make will be right for you. Dont beat yourself up if you cant bear to be there. Do Not Beat Yourself Up. Okay? No one but you knows what youre going through.

Sorry your brothers such as asshole. And youre going through all this anguish. I wish I could help somehow.

[southernyankeebelle]

3. Why don't you have an open house after she dies and invite everyone in the bldg to

come over and help themselves. I would put things that are valuable and that you want in your van and hide it and telll the neighbors to come in and take what they want. You'd be surprised some people would be willing to take it off your hands. I don't mean to sound morbid but it is a solution. It must be so sad to see your mom pass in such a sad way. God bless you.

[Freddie]

4. Just been thru this with my Mom

She had a massive stroke May 19 and the neurologist laid it out honestly that even with tubes and heroics we'd just be keeping her body alive longer. She had an advance directive specifying that she wanted none of that so the decision was pretty easy for my brother and I. Doc said she'd die pretty fast but it took almost a week. Somebody tried to be with her most of that time (my sister-in-law, a nurse, was totally wonderful) but I got "the call" from the hospice early in the AM when no family was there.

[DonRedwood]

5. Hey Benny

I am so sorry for all your pain. I was there with my dad, begging my asshat brother to come help as well.

I don't know you but I can give you this tiny little bit of advice. Sit with mom, sing her a favorite song, tell her a favorite story, tell the poor dear that it's OK to go and that her loved ones are there waiting for her.

I was there alone with my favorite aunt and my dad when they passed and I too dread the day I have to do that again. But, if I might share my experience, I would swear that the room was filled with people. It just felt like my grandmother was in the room. I looked at my aunt and said, "I think your mom is here to get you" and my aunt nodded her head, I told her I loved her and told her to go. ANd she was gone, just like that.

I just feel deep in my heart if you can't be with your mom, she won't be alone. There are those who are waiting to see her again and there will just be joy.

I dearly hope I haven't offended you. I just hope to share some peace with you.

Good luck with the move. You might call a few local battered women's shelters and tell them you have household goods that they can have if they have someone they are helping set up a new house for. Quite often those women have to start off with nothing so many cities have programs that help to collect household stuff. And then some good comes from all of this.

Peace Benny, good luck.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

6. I, personally, hope -

you can find the strength to be there for her. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, as you know, but she was there for you when you came into this world and I hope you can be there for her when she leaves.

[enough]

7. Not sure I understand everything here, but having recently been through this with

my mother, my father, my MIL and FIL (all very elderly), I would say you are lucky to have doctors who are advising you to let it end. You are doing the right thing with that.

As far as whether you have to be there or can leave, whatever you choose to do will be right. You have been there.

[Yo_Mama]

8. I just wished to express my sympathies

I don't have any advice or answers to your questions. You have to do what's right for you and her.

But I do sympathize with you over the impact of all you're enduring, and I hope this painful period will be succeeded by one of peace, regaining the good memories, and some resolution in your own life.

It sounds like you are so much alone in this, and I know my response here can be nothing but the feeblest of candle flickers in all that darkness, but I am truly very sorry for what you are enduring. I've buried both my own parents, and it is not an easy thing to do.

[renate]

9. a lot of people deliberately wait until they're alone to die

So don't feel bad if you decide not to be there. Ask anybody who's ever worked in hospice--some people hang on and hang on and hang on, and then as soon as they're left alone for half a minute, they die. It's got nothing to do with how close the relationship was or anything like that--my grandfather and grandmother were like ham and eggs, but he waited to die until she was out of the room. It's just a personality thing; she felt bad about not being there, but knowing him, he was just trying to save her the pain.

I don't know what "that CL thing" is but may I add, to someone else's suggestion that you let other people in the building know that your things are up for grabs, that you contact a homeless shelter, a transitional housing center, or even a food bank (I just dropped off some clothes and household items at a food bank today, so maybe your local food bank doesn't limit donations to food, either). They might be willing to send someone buy to pick up household things that somebody just starting out in a new home would need.

I'm really sorry you are going through so much. It sounds so painful. Don't feel regret, whether you choose to be there or not. (The person who should feel regret is your brother. Sheesh.) You and your mother are in my thoughts.

[Kali]

10. hugs, Bennyboy

[Bennyboy]

11. Thanks all.

This is too much for me. I just wanna hide right now.

[msanthrope]

12. Benny, I'll be thinking of you and your Mom, wishing you Peace and

hoping that you can accept her passing. You have done what you can, and you have to think of yourself.

A bit of advice....Gather her pictures and important papers. Does she have a Will? Insurance policies? Burial policies?

[Bennyboy]

13. That is all handled.....

The will and all that. There is nothing. Nothing. And, it turns out my kids stole her 18th century silverware, a family heirloom that was to be passed down. Probably sold it for a fix and it was worth tens of thousands of dollars.

And all the other stuff, it is simple. No pictures. None of that. I am moving into my car and will not get a storage because I have lost too many storages in the past. So all the photos etc, are getting pitched, I have no room for them in my life.

[msanthrope]

15. Be well. I am so sorry. nt

[KharmaTrain]

14. Been There...

...I had to make similar decisions for my mother who had been suffering Alzheimers. Having to make the decision to pull her feeding tube and sit in agony over the next week waiting for her body to finally give in. In the end I knew it was the best thing as she was no longer suffering and I knew I did all that I could to give her a "safe landing".

As far as her possessions...I guess this depends on how much of an estate she has and its value. I had trouble in trying to close my parents affairs as there were some companies (VERIZON) that still tried to hold me liable for their cellphone contract. If you don't have any of those obligations (contracts) you should be able to tie up the loose ends rather quickly and move on with your life. I'd look into a "salvage" company...these companies will go through her apartment, see if there's anything of value...so you'll get something rather than walking away and then will do a clean out.

I realize how, after all the stresses you've been through, you'd like to be as far away from all of that as you can...

Peace...

[Bennyboy]

16. Thanks all... I said my goodbyes today.....

Held her hand, told her I loved her. easily the most emotional moment of my life. I am destroyed. Completely and utterly destroyed. She may live for a few more days (She is being transferred today to a hospice close by) but I really don't know if I am going to visit her again. I never ever want to go through what i went through today.

[Bennyboy]

17. Mpm padsed a few minutes ago.....

I am Destroyed.

[Morning Dew]

18. My thoughts are with you.

I lost my dad about a year ago.

[loli phabay]

19. sorry about your loss, but i dont get the thousand dollar thing, is it for shipping

[Bennyboy]

20. It is what amounts to a full days' work

packing, finding boxes, shipping, going to the Post etc. I have plenty of other stuff to worry about than dealing with my Brother's crap.

BTW, the 1,000 figure is based on what my Bro tells me he makes a day and why he couldn't come visit his Mom for five years.)