Changing The Creepy Guy Narrative

[Matariki]

http://www.readability.com/mobile/articles/sm8ypeaz?mobile-shortener-banner=1

How being a writer helped me rewrite a sexist trope...for real.
So a thing happened to me yesterday on the BART as I was coming home from work. (And no, it wasn't a Sharknado...mores the pity.) Maybe I'm just rewriting history or trying to make a story fit in this the context of this blog...maybe, but I really, honestly think that what happened did so (at least in my case) because I am a writer.

You see, as a writer, I am also a reader--a big crazy, prolific-as-shit reader. I've read two or three dozen articles my friends have linked over the years on women's experience with creepers on public transit--usually with some sort of commentary attached to it by said friend along the lines of "ZOMG THIS!!!!" or "SO FUCKING TRUE!!!!" I've read Schrodinger's Rapist, Rape Culture 101, Jezebel articles by the dozens (perhaps hundreds), and even my own friends' tribulations on BARTs and busses. I even read that article (which I can't find now) that lays out a well reasoned case that our culture's entirely fucked up sense of consent and rape culture exist naturally as an extension of the same mindset that cause women to be afraid of being blunt and honest when they get cornered in public by someone they're not interested in.

And in reading all these things I've come to be aware of a narrative. An everyday narrative almost as common for women as "the train pulled into the station, and I got on."

It is the narrative of how men hit on women in public places. A tired old story if ever there were one. A story where consent is not a character we actually ever meet, and where the real antagonist is not a person, but rather the way she has been socialized to be polite, to be civil, to not be "such a bitch"....no matter how much of a Douchasauras Rex HE is being about not picking up the subtle clues. Yes, a human being might fill the role of the immediate obstacle--and in doing so personify the larger issue, but the careful reader of this tropetastic narrative knows the real villain is the culture that discourages her from rebuking him in no uncertain terms lest she be castigated. (And that's the best case scenario; the worst is that she angers someone with much greater upper body strength who may become violent.) The real antagonist is a society where she is actually discouraged from being honest about what she wants...or doesn't want.

(the rest is quite gratifying and worth the read...)

[Arkansas Granny]

1. Great read. Thanks for the link.

And I can't think of a woman I know who hasn't had a similar experience to the one described by the writer.

[Matariki]

2. Don't I know it. I never could understand how someone could see reading a book as an open invitation

to bother a person.

But to guys like that, women aren't self actualized people who actually just want to read a book - the book is just a convenient prop for a pick up line.

Used to make me furious that I couldn't sit in public and read or draw without some asshole trying to engage me, then use all those stupid cliches like "I'm just trying to be friendly" blah blah blah.

Thank god for being in my 50s. Doesn't happen often anymore, but damn it still pisses me off.

[Gormy Cuss]

3. You're just too sensitive.

Can I have a smile?

[Matariki]

5. pow!

lol

[Starry Messenger]

4. I love getting older for that reason too.

I let my gray start growing out. It's a little harsh when you get called ma'am at the grocery store at 42, but being left alone in public is awesome.

[PasadenaTrudy]

15. +1!

I'm almost 50 and I love not getting attention anymore. Very liberating IMO. Especially when I don't shave my legs and I'm wearing cargo shorts and Birkenstocks I love turning off men!

[Starry Messenger]

18. It's nice to have real conversations now.

No wondering if they're only acting interested so they can smooth you into a pick-up line.

[PasadenaTrudy]

21. Yep. n/t

[silverweb]

9. Ditto that!

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]Bravo to that writer for stepping in and making the predator back off that young woman!

When I think back, the amount of sexual harassment I had to wade through for a couple of decades is just completely mind blowing.

For years after the divorce, I continued wearing my wedding set because I hoped it would warn off unwanted attention. Didn't stop the assholes in the least. One jerk actually said, "Nice rings. They don't mean anything, you know. What are you doing this afternoon?"

Another idiot sat next to me at a bus stop, actually draped his arm around me and asked where I lived, then got dramatically "hurt and insulted," and followed me when I got up and tried to moved away from him. Not a single soul (and there were a dozen people close by) said a word to him in my defense.

And at work... well, that's worth an entire chapter. One boss even said, "I don't know how you put up with it, but there's nothing I can do. Just ignore him." That was before there was any legal recourse at all for sexual harassment or a hostile work environment.

Maybe the "leave-me-the-fuck-alone" face I've cultivated has finally started working, or maybe it's simply because I'm older now and let my hair go gray, but it's not a problem anymore except for the occasional obnoxious geezer. The fact that I'm no longer shy about saying, "Fuck off, asshole" with a slightly crazed expression might help, too. lol

I love being older for a variety of reasons, and this is right at the top of the list.

[RebelOne]

19. Yes, I went through all that sexual harassment in my younger years, at work and in public.

Now that I am older, it does not happen any more. I guess that is one advantage of being an old woman.

[silverweb]

28. Unfortunately, it's been an all too common experience for women.

[font color="navy" face="Verdana"]If not universal, then pretty close, and much worse for women in other cultures.

Part of the problem was that I was raised to be obedient to superiors, and "polite" and "nice" to everyone, even assholes. I'm guessing it was the same for many good little Catholic girls from that era.

That conditioning compounded the problem because my only available defenses were either running away or, if that wasn't possible, getting passive-aggressive. I couldn't let my inner lioness bare her teeth for some years -- but that's not an issue any more at all.

[galileoreloaded]

6. ...

[Matariki]

7. I agree

boys aren't really taught how to properly interact with girls - hence the confused look I suppose.

What is the message about the girl in that cartoon? If they are pretty but don't want to talk to you then they are stuck up? Sending mixed messages? I guess the kissy lips imply that she is just faking it. So I suppose if the confused boy forced himself on her it would actually be okay, right?

Do you understand that when women are out in public they don't just exist as potential dates, or potential fucks, or whatever? That a person might just want to sit in a park and read, and no matter how pretty they are they still just want to read and be left the fuck alone?

Are you capable of understanding that?

[galileoreloaded]

8. lol. thats not the issue at all.

men don't have a clue how to interact with women, don't understand sexual dimorphism, don't understand the inversion of agendas and how big of a part biology plays.

and men that DO know don't share that info because hey, who wants competition? and because of that, 95% of men, those not in the know, pathetically use "nice guy" behaviors as sexual currency but get confused, and angry, and all abuse-y when few girls take that type of credit card.

meanwhile, women love an asshole of the genuine type simply BECAUSE his day doesn't revolve around talking to yet another boring (to him) female on a train or bus. he doesn't care what happens and she can sniff that out as easy as she can sniff out a "nice guy".

just another day.

[Matariki]

12. define 'asshole'

I have never understood this idea that guys have of the 'nice guy' vs. 'asshole' dichotomy and the women who supposedly love them.

And truthfully, most of the self described 'nice guys' have been anything but. Just passive-aggressive, self pitying, and have a misplaced sense of entitlement.

But I'm willing to hear your description of what you actually mean by 'asshole', what are the characteristics of said person and why you think those characteristics are attractive to that women.

And of course it's a big mistake lumping all women or men together as if there were only one of each, so giving you the benefit of the doubt and assume you meant that these characteristics are attractive to SOME women.

[galileoreloaded]

13. its never a big mistake to align behaivioral patterns

as a human, you may have a unique fingerprint, but unless you are tragically deformed, you have 2 hands with 5 fingers on each. that defines you, drives your behavior, not your unique fingerprint.

the differences are slight matters of degrees, experience and inherited personality type being the key contributors. its really scary for most to realize how very ordinary they are.

[Matariki]

17. That's pretty simplistic and puts a big wall of bias between you and other individuals

but isn't really the point or what I'm interested in debating with you.

I'd love if you answered my question on your definition of 'asshole' in terms of how you used it in your prior post. So many men say what you said and most women usually disagree with the statement. But the word asshole could mean just about anything really, so I'd like to understand what those traits are that you think are both attractive to women and yet qualify as 'assholishness'.

[galileoreloaded]

20. there is no bias because i dont assume i'm better.

guy who is an asshole=unwilling to make anyone in their life, with the exception of biological children, the master of their focus, whatever that is.

no fear of judgement, doesn't care what but a few close to him think, never puts a woman on a pedestal. generally physically and socially dominant with a keen control on his emotions but doesn't suppress them, especially when nonplussed by bad behavior.

the guy that the "nice guys" (accurate description BTW) and white knights (the men who rush to "save" a woman from the big bad world or bad judgement as another sexual currency) hate hate with a passion because they don't understand why after giving their girl everything they have and being boring, end up sad and alone when the asshole takes their gf/wife whatever to a hotel after 4 margaritas and a "girls nite out". (fyi, its not about the booze, it never is. its about their pathetic boring men who keep doubling down on the pathetic pedestalization behavior)

the guy you hate to love.

[Matariki]

22. I remember being recommended a book once called "Men Are Just Desserts"

The basis of the book (written with women as the target audience but applying equally to both genders) was that another person should not be the center-point that one revolves their life around but rather it should be one's life's work, or self actualization, or contribution to the world, or vocation or avocation, etc, etc. I don't find that to be the behavior of an asshole, but that of a healthy adult. And a healthy relationship is one that is between two such people.

[galileoreloaded]

23. i don't think it work the same for women though, and i advise against

playing "who's interested the least". the better men just move on. being an overly available man is very unattractive to a woman, and you could see why women would project that onto men.

but men are very very different, and playing the coquette and hard to get is a bad strategy just because women like it. it's the same when men adapt traditional female strategies of over-attention because that's what THEY like. then they get pissed and act out and punch and hit.

gender politics have been fucked up for 50 years.

[Matariki]

25. wow, you missed my point entirely.

which had nothing to do with playing 'availability games' and everything to do with people, women & men both, shifting their focus on to their own lives. It makes a person interesting and attractive, that they have something going on besides some biological hunt. A good relationship is the reward for being an integrated human being.

[nomorenomore08]

30. And they *weren't* fucked up 50 or more years ago?

I think what you really mean is "gender politics have always been fucked up." Unless you think the 50's were some kind of golden age, in which case, we really have nothing in common on this subject.

[Matariki]

24. what I mean is...

what you are describing sounds to me like someone focused on their own self actualization (that might not be the best term, but it's the best I can think of at the moment to describe what I mean). I usually take the term 'asshole' to mean someone who is either abusive or completely inconsiderate of other people. Perhaps some might equate 'self-actualization' with 'self centered' in the negative sense but I don't think so, nor is it what I mean. Although I suppose a person who is living their own life might seem 'self centered' to a person who is not - especially if they're trying to cling to that person as their own center. Like I said in my previous post, my opinion of a healthy relationship is one between two people who are living their own lives. It's the only way to have a healthy relationship. It has nothing to do with 'nice guys' or 'assholes' or 'mean girls' or whatever.

[galileoreloaded]

26. well we agree. nt

[Matariki]

27. on some things

and not on others and that's okay.

[nomorenomore08]

10. Hey, at least she's being honest...

[galileoreloaded]

11. yep! we need to teach boys to walk away from these girls and not gas up their egos

eventually, without all the attention (wanted and otherwise) things will even out.

but men are desperate so that never happens. there is always some idiot willing to shower a mean girl with attention just to feel whatever crumbs of intimacy she passes his way. its really sad.

[noamnety]

14. Awesome read, thank you! (nt)

[PasadenaTrudy]

16. I read this on twitter last week

Thx for posting so I can send it on to others

[Dash87]

29. "WHY DON'T YOU SMILE!?"