Why Did You Just Throw That Glass At Me?
CON, an ebullient and intelligent sociopath, walks up to PRO with a glass full of scotch. He’s been drinking, but can still stand upright. He glares at PRO; they’ve been arguing for years now about various matters of basic fact, and CON’s been losing the arguments badly and now feels humiliated.
CON suddenly rears up and throws the glass of scotch at PRO, who ducks. The glass arcs through the air past PRO and smacks a little old lady right in the forehead. Her husband, a veteran of five wars and now stuck in a wheelchair with only one arm left, is looking around angrily to see who threw the glass at his wife. The poor woman starts crying on her husband’s remaining shoulder.
CON looks nervous. One arm or no arm, that old guy looks pissed off. PRO shakes his head and sighs.
PRO: Missed again.
CON: (loudly) Why did you just throw that glass at me?
PRO: (sighs again, having been through this many times) I did not throw the glass at you. If I had thrown the glass at you, it wouldn’t have hit the lady; it would have hit that mailbox over there. You threw the glass at me, Con, and I think you should apologize to that lady.
CON: Why do you hate the Post Office? Is it because the mailbox is red, white and blue? All your kind hates those colors.
PRO: I love the Post Office, and I didn’t throw a glass full of cheap scotch at it. You’re the one who hates the Post Office; you and your buddies took tens of millions of dollars in bribes to try to destroy it so your buddies could privatize it and jack up the prices. In fact, life’s been kind of hell since you legalized bribery.
CON: I don’t drink cheap scotch, so it must have been you who threw that glass. Why did you hit that lady? You must hate old people.
CON now smiles toothily and nods winningly at the elderly couple, who are both eyeing Con with suspicious expressions, which makes him nervous again. He realizes he’s in trouble and needs to up the ante.
PRO: I was just standing here, and you threw your drink at me. It hit that lady, and you need to go apologize to her.
CON: You lie! You hate old people and veterans and the Post Office and you’re the devil and a bad bad bad man and a liar, and you have weird sex with your dirty little hot slut wife and you don’t even go to Church and you’re being really mean to me! Right now, you’re being mean to me! I’m good, you’re bad! You’re bad! Bad bad bad!
PRO: This is why it sucks living with you, Con. You’re kind of a dangerous person with a lot of deep-seated issues who’s just smart enough to get away with stuff, and you find it impossible to do the right thing. It’s almost like your moral compass points directly south or something.
CON: Stop pointing that gun at me! Why are you pointing that gun at me, you bad bad man?
PRO: I don’t have a gun.
CON: (nodding excitedly at the elderly couple) And he hates guns!
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