To "The Reviewer"
My fingers moved, alas too slow but I wanted to plead mercy in your review
Oh dear reviewer when you return to the dimly lit balcony of your cavernous abode snuggled in the remote forests of the region where schools have prayer and text books with detailed illustrations proving creationism to promiscuous square dancing 'abstaining' teenagers prey speak not poorly of us.
We found your link astonishing, your banter refreshing, your literary references uplifting, and your fecal contributions non odious.
Should we be blessed with your continued contributions I can assure you that they will bring forth a multitude of interlocutors, for more reasons than you will be able to contribute.
In your reviews please do not blame other DUers for any mistreatment you received here. Please lay all the blame at my door and find the other 200,000 contributors blameless.
In your reviews be thorough, unflinching and objective. Of course you must include all of the instances where DUers found themselves amused without reason and snarky without remorse. Tell them that you were given no quarter and you received no mercy. No one offered to break mythological bread and there appeared to be no areas of metaphysics that we could reflect together with.
Tell them the hard truth. We do not like Olive Garden, even those of us who have never partaken of "endless pasta".
But, and this we really must insist on. you must tell them that the people who inhabit DU seem to be experts in Speleology, and no my Roger Ebert of political forums that has absolutely nothing to do with correct spelling.
And when you have finished this review be so kind to send us a link so that we can be enlightened and fill our day with mirth.
= new reply since forum marked as read
We're doomed. DOOOOOOMED! 
It will take him a week to tackle the first paragraph.
Well done.
lol@"endless pasta" rofl
I take it we got reviewed by a cave-dweller and it didn't go so well? 
You're making excellent use of your downtime I see, grant! 
They really think they're clever, don't they?
Clever & well done! 
I bow at your feet...
Too many vowels!
