Is it appropriate to make your grown children fend for themselves during the holidays?

[cynatnite]

I am writing this at a very emotional moment so pardon my bluntness. My husband of 25 years and I have done our level best to put forward enjoyable holidays, birthdays, vacations and whatnot for our children over the years. There are a lot of great memories that are cherished.

Now that our children are grown with homes of their owns I am questioning whether we have gone too far. We've loaned out money when we've had it, gone out of our way to insure that they have what they need and what they didn't need on birthdays, holidays, and so on.

Every holiday and birthday, we have done the cooking, cleaning, gifting and so on. We never see a birthday gift, Christmas gift or even an offer to bring a dish for the large meals we prepare. We spend 2-3 days preparing these large meals because we want it beautiful and memorable. We want to make the most out of these days.

My husband is a truck driver and he's away from home a lot which is another reason why these things mean so much to us.

I feel that my children are thoughtless. I don't know if I'd say they're ungrateful. If you asked, they'd tell you that they appreciate all that we've done. I'm sure they'd mean it, but it in the end I feel like we get nothing in return.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and everyone made their own plans. Husband will be on the road and won't be home until late. They want their Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday which we agreed. I offered a nice brunch tomorrow morning which everyone was happy to agree to.

After getting the last bit of shopping done for the holiday, I came home to a lot of work ahead that still needs done. One kid wants to borrow the Nikon to take pictures for gifts for her in-laws. The other kid (who is separated from her husband) wants to bring her boyfriend and his kids to both the brunch and the Sunday dinner. The youngest kid (a teenager) wants to do nothing but play video games for which I am ready to throw in the trash at this point.

Meanwhile, I sit in the bedroom feeling pretty damn sorry for myself because it seems like everything we do goes unappreciated. That's not to mention the fact that this is another in a long row of holidays that my husband and I will spend apart.

So, I'm ready to chuck it all...tell everyone that to hell with these meals and plans...and sit in my bedroom with some Star Wars, Star Trek and a bottle of wine until either I run out or I watch all my sci-fi.

Oh, and I'm ignoring the texts on my phone, too.

So, what do you tell your grown children?

[tammywammy]

1. Why don't you tell them to bring a dish?

It's just my mom and me for Thanksgiving. We only make a few things, otherwise the rest goes to waste. I always offer to buy some of the stuff, and I help with the cooking.

Have you ever asked for their help?

[cynatnite]

3. It sure would be nice if they would think to ask if they could bring something...

It's not just about bringing a dish to a Thanksgiving meal. It's about being thoughtful of us.

I've got a daughter who thought of the gifts for her in-laws and has yet to ever get us a Christmas gift. The other one is the same way.

Hell, I'd be happy with a card...just something to know that they think of us on occasion and not what WE give them.

[tammywammy]

12. I understand what you're saying.

Yeah, I always offer to help my mom out.

I don't know if you want to cut them off right now - if you've already bought stuff for a big dinner on Sunday.

As far as presents, I'll tell you what my dad & stepmom are doing. THe last two years they gave a lot of stuff to my stepbrother & his wife. My stepmom really goes all out and my dad gave him a nice tool thingy and tools last year. Last year, they got in return a photography book like from Snapshot, with pictures of their daughter (my stepmom's granddaughter). So, now neither my dad nor stepmom are going out of the way for the adults. They took a photo and my dad made a very nice frame for them and that's it. My stepmom's getting stuff for the little girl, but that's it. No need to "reward" people that don't appreciate it or return the sentiment, it's a waste of money.

And if you don't want to cook all out, then don't do it.

[Lisa D]

14. You should communicate this to them

as calmly as possible. It's easy for even adult children to fall in the pattern of letting their parents do it all. Tell them that's going to change and you'd love their input on how to make it better for everyone

[GreenPartyVoter]

26. +1000

[antigone382]

20. I understand where you're coming from wanting them to know without having to be told.

And there are many reasons why they should. It is natural to want the people that you love, and who doubtlessly love you, to understand when you are tired, stressed, overworked, etc., especially when it is connected to things that you are doing for them. But at the end of the day, for whatever reason, people often do NOT realize tolls on their loved ones, just as now it appears they don't realize the strain that holidays place on you. So I would say that it is your job as a part of your self care to communicate that to them, constructively and non-judgmentally. Let them know that you enjoy spending holidays with them and the experience of a shared meal or other event, but that it also presents a lot of challenge and stress. Ask them to help you come up with a better arrangement where you don't feel so burdened by pulling together holiday gatherings.

Know this also: you can't necessarily control their response, nor does that response have any bearing on your value as a human being. If they do not make the changes that you need them to make in order to make the holidays less of an ordeal, don't view it as a statement on your worth; you are not in any way responsible for the choices that other people make. Just make the changes that you need to make for your own well-being.

[elehhhhna]

23. You have just joined the I raised entitled children club

welcome! WE ARE LEGION.

Talk to them when you are calm and cool after T'g and Before Christmas. Maybe put it in terms of what they do/could do to show some appreciation for Dad and they'll catch the hint?

Drop your expectations for now and enjoy yourself - the house doesn't have to be pic perfect etc. I find most of my holiday anxiety is bullshit pressure expectations I put on myself. You've raised a loving family and your kids have a blindspot. Could always be way worse. Let's all count our blessings and plan the corrective convo's for later...

[roody]

45. They are used to you doing it all.

You will have to change your ways if you want them to change.

[cbdo2007]

55. If she is giving gifts to her in-laws and not you....

sounds like she is excluding you on purpose.

What is there in this story that you aren't telling us?? Is there a lot of animosity or resentment between the two of you....either you to her or her to you? Could she be doing this to get "back at you" for something in her past that she thinks you're responsible for?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

73. You're expecting them to read your mind

It's possible that you have done SO MUCH for them that they take you for granted. In trying to be too good to your children you may have raised a selfish brood.

If you want them to do something, TELL THEM. They may be surprised that you feel that way because you have always acted as if you enjoy being a doormat.

My mother used to get all flustered during preparations for guests and then start yelling at my brothers and me for not helping. Well, we were kids. Literally. I'd say, "So tell us what you want us to do."

And she'd say, "I shouldn't have to. You should look around and think what has to be done."

But that was precisely the wrong approach. If she had said, "Run the vacuum cleaner" or "dust the living room" or "make the whipped cream," we would have done it. But how were we supposed to know what to do?

Just tell each of them to bring a dish. That's the way my family has done Thanksgiving for years. We have also shared hosting duties. This year, one brother is hosting Thanksgiving, and the other is hosting Christmas.

[Generic Other]

85. Seriously just tell kids what you want

I am a dutiful daughter, but I need matching orders because otherwise I always end up doing something wrong I could easily have done right. Manage the event. Tell people what to bring. Delegate authority. Advance planning is needed, but your daughters sound up to the job.

Tammy is right. Ask for help. Even if it seems obvious, and you feel you shouldn't have to ask. Ask anyway. The slothful won't be offended.

[jberryhill]

2. Family buffet

Either:

(A) Everyone brings a dish, or

(B) Sorry, I'm volunteering at a local charity to serve meals to grateful people this year.

[monmouth3]

4. The time has definitely come for your kids (the eldest usually, I don't know why but that's what

happened to me and I didn't care). You've done your bit and I don't doubt your children appreciate you. It's just they won't appreciate you until you're gone. Give them an early taste, tell them you are tired and want to move the get-togethers elsewhere.

[WinkyDink]

5. "Appropriate"? I'm of the "Do what you want!" ilk. Drink that wine!

[llmart]

84. I'm with you.

My two are long grown and one is married. You really need to stop playing the martyr and do whatever it is that you want on holidays and stop having any expectations as to how your grown children should behave.

I have always thought that it is my job to make sure my children who are grown can live without me because in all likelihood they will have to some day and that's the best gift you can give them. Let them live their own lives, you live yours. Let go of the idea that you are being selfish when you spend a day or every day for that matter the way you want to, not the way you think is "appropriate" or "expected".

[Wait Wut]

6. Say something to them.

Explain to them that with all the weird schedules, extra people and requests, you and your husband are overwhelmed and would really appreciate some help. Throw in, "We're not getting any younger" and see what happens.

You may be surprised. If it turns out to be an unpleasant surprise, tell them you're not doing holidays at your house, anymore, because it's just gotten to be too much work for the two of you.

And, no matter what, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

[enlightenment]

7. Well,

Our holidays were always family affairs with everyone chipping in to help, so I'm not familiar with your issue (which sounds horrible).

Personally, I'd leave the house and arrange to met your husband at a comfortable motel/hotel - have a simple dinner and enjoy the peace and quiet. You probably won't hear the end of it for weeks, but it may be past time for your adult children to start giving a little instead of taking all the time.

[LuckyLib]

59. I second the motion -- go on the road with your hubby and have a great holiday!

[renie408]

8. Talk to them. Explain how you feel.

They may be perfectly happy to step up.

[Lisa D]

9. Our children are grown

They are in their 20s and not married. Here are some of the things we've done for holidays:

1. We're hosting the holiday and will prepare the main dish. Everyone else is assigned a dish (or two) to bring, along with their preferred beverage. Guests welcome if you bring enough food so we don't run out

2. We sent out an email saying that we'd like someone else to host the holiday this year and will be glad to contribute some of the food and beverages.

3. We let the kids know that we're going on a vacation this holiday and look forward to spending it with them next year

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. I don't think you need to host brunch tomorrow on top of a Sunday holiday dinner. If you want to see them on Thanksgiving, just buy some donuts, make some hot chocolate, and enjoy each other's company.

Have you told you feel this way? Have you asked for help in the past or ideas to make the holidays enjoyable instead of stressful for you?

Create the holiday you want to have--and make it happen. The kids are adults and they can choose to participate or not. I've learned from experience that sometimes I need to change the family habits that I've helped create

[cynatnite]

16. I've always enjoyed doing this until this year...

It was the things like one kid getting her in-laws a gift when she's never given us anything and other bringing her boyfriend's kids. That's not to mention the husband being away tomorrow as well.

This year it bothers me.

[Lisa D]

24. I understand.

The gift thing would be hurtful. Then you have to deal with extra kids and a husband being away. The wine is sounding like a better idea

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way and I hope you can find something special to do just for yourself.

[tblue37]

63. Sometimes kids feel they *have* to do something (like give gifts)

to be fully accepted by certain people, but that they don't need to do anything to win over the ones whom they trust to love them unconditionally. Also, if giving parents gifts is part of what has always been expected in her husband's family, she might feel she *has* to do so.

That doesn't mean it isn't thoughtless for her not to think you might enjoy a gift, but it might JUST be thoughtless, not mean-spirited or ungrateful.

For her (and her siblings') entire life you have done *everything* for them and asked nothing of them. That is a mistake a lot of parents make, and. though they do so out of love, it is still damaging in the long term. It isn't all that easy for someone to reverse a life long pattern of thought, expectation, and behavior, so you should tell your kids, gently, lovingly, but firmly, what you want from them and what they can--and cannot--expect from you henceforth.

My guess is that they will feel ashamed, mortified, and very apologetic.

[IdaBriggs]

10. How did you miss teaching them basic manners?

The "bring a dish to pass" is common courtesy.

If you haven't given them the opportunity because you wanted everything to be "beautiful" then it is time to change the tradition.

Tell them what you want them to bring. Do it with a smile. Tell them you sprained your ankle, and need them to do the cooking. Tell them you want to order Chinese.

Pick one or a combination. Family is attitude, and if you don't want to be around yours (been there! lol!) something needs to change. They aren't unhappy, so you are going to have to take responsibility for fixing the manners that are missing.

I'm willing to bet they think you love doing this, and that they were being thoughtful by backing away from being a part of the prep time.

You can fix this. Get on the phone, and get to work.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[cynatnite]

17. This is why I think we've done too much and now we're seeing the results of it. n/t

[FSogol]

29. I suspect that she didn't miss teaching them basic mannners. They are still in a child-parent mode

where the loving parent does 100% everything for their dutiful offspring. At some point, they should have shifted to adult-older parent mode where they help out by doing 75%-100% of the work. Next year, if it is at your house, pass our assignments on what to bring.

Completely agree here: "I'm willing to bet they think you love doing this, and that they were being thoughtful by backing away from being a part of the prep time.

You can fix this. Get on the phone, and get to work. "

and here: "Happy Thanksgiving!"

[IdaBriggs]

86. My kids are six and excited about "helping out".

I won't say some things wouldn't be "easier" without their help, but since part of my job as a parent is to teach them what to do when I'm not around to do it for them while hopefully creating warm positive memories.....

It is always easy to see how other people could do something "better", isn't it? Best I stay off my high horse, and get to work - company arrives in five hours!

Happy Thanksgiving!

[FSogol]

11. Gotta start assigning something for everyone to bring.

They'll get the message.

[Lugnut]

19. That's what I would do.

If they won't voluntarily help lighten your load insist that they do. It's only fair. After the meal ask specific individuals to help clear the table, wash and dry the dishes.

[bettyellen]

42. After the meal ask specific individuals to help clear the table, wash and dry the dishes.

And start figuring out what side dishes they should bring for Xmas.

[Arugula Latte]

66. If you do this, though, please don't just ask the women

Last edited Wed Nov 27, 2013, 07:20 PM - Edit history (1)

while the men go watch TV.

[Lugnut]

69. Oh no.

In this house the men clear the table. My husband starts the process. Everybody pitches in.

[ecstatic]

13. My mom could have made this post. But I would say...

They appreciate you. They might feel overwhelmed, or not organized enough to prepare dishes and do the little things. I think my parents' generation is a little better at maintaining a balanced life than later generations. You're preserving some normalcy and tradition that might otherwise be completely out the window were it not for your efforts.

Unfortunately, I won't be preparing anything for anyone and I'd be OK with just staying home and not doing anything for the holidays because I'm really stressed out and have a lot on my mind. I really don't care about eating turkey, etc. I hope to one day get to the point where I can do it all (like people appear to have done in the past).

[1monster]

15. At your brunch, suggest that your children take turns hosting Thanksgiving in the future

years. You may also take a turn, if you wish. Also, You should point out that everyone should bring a dish for all to share. They can show off their specialties and may even enjoy hosting.

They expect you to do it all because you have always done so.

Don't feel bad for being tired of it all. I know that I certainly am and wonder if it is worth it all...... sometimes.

[FatBuddy]

18. when you give, you cannot expect recompense or reward

even if that means plain gratitude.

and yes, your children sound ungrateful.

[warrior1]

21. show them this post

[La Lioness Priyanka]

22. i took over cooking for my mom a few years ago. they still pay for the groceries

but i do all the work.

it's suck that they haven't noticed that maybe this is all too much for you, but you have to atleast ask, before you continue to be resentful of them.

if they still seem like they aren't contributing, then start taking Thanksgiving week off and go on a vacation

[Tikki]

25. The books and movies of this scenario are a plenty…You have two choices..you already know this..

This is more common than you imagine.

They are not going to pick up the ball until you no longer pick it up…

They may feel they don't have the skills to pick it up or the style to make it happen correctly.

You know they have what it takes..you taught them by raising them.

See what a Thanksgiving is like without all of Mom and Dad doing it.

Sometimes these changes become the stories of family legend.

OR continue doing what your doing. We are always here on DU to listen.

It's family and you love them, it's obvious.

Tikki

[XemaSab]

27. Before dinner you should drink a bottle of wine

Then right as the turkey is being carved, you should say how happy you are that the whole family can be together and that you hope they secretly appreciate everything you've done for them because they're all acting like ungrateful swine and you should have served them frozen pizza instead because it's what they deserve and next year they can all stay home because you're tired of being treated like a doormat.

This will start a fight.

It's a XemaSab family tradition.

[Blaukraut]

50. LOL, that sounds like a fun dinner! n/t

[ellie]

54. That is awesome!

My dad's brother used to come over for holidays and dominate the conversation by talking about dogs fornicating or somesuch. The awkward silences were legend at our house.

[SoCalDem]

28. Our grown up kids have liked creating their own "family traditions"

Yours may feel "obligated" to crash at "mom & Dad's place".

We have always lived a great distance from families, and we have very small families, so it was easy for us to create our own traditions.

If you are "stuck with it" this year, please consider telling them all (perhaps in a congenial letter) that you & Dad are taking a holiday trip next year, and that you would love to be a guest at their celebration of whichever one you choose.

Your "trip" need not be extravagant.. Perhaps a nice room at a nice hotel that is serving dinner.....Hell.. Go to Vegas.!!!! They know how to do holiday

Years ago, I called all three of our grownup boys & told them we did not want to do the "gift thing" anymore.. I have NO idea what their tastes are these days (the live away from us), and exchanging gift cards seemed so silly..

They were relieved. (although the sentimental part of me sort of wishes they would occasionally sent me a little "treat&quot

All during the year, if I see something I want them to have, I just send it to them (or their wives) and say " Care package..Happy Happy !)

Holidays are so mellow these days without all the pressure..

I fully understand how you feel, and hope you get through it unscathed

[PassingFair]

65. This times 1000!

You should consider that "having everyone together" becomes an exponentially difficult
endeavor with each added generation.

For pity's sake, tell everyone, when dinner is over, that this is the last year that you will
be having the big dinner for everyone. Just tell them it's too much for you. It CLEARLY is.

Let them know you'd like to join them for Thanksgiving dinner, individually, rotating
year by year, OR they can decide amongst themselves if and when someone wants to
take a turn hosting the WHOLE immediate family and girlfriends, boyfriends, children, etc.

I think YOUR desire to have everyone there, together at one time, is causing all the stress.

[yeoman6987]

30. Kids

A lot of "I" and "we" in that post. I believe you are just overwhelmed. Buck up and have a great Thanksgiving. You are lucky your kids still want to come to your home. Many parents are left alone because their kids don't want to spend the holidays with their parents. Consider yourself lucky or blessed and stop the pity party.

[MADem]

39. "Stop the pity party?" Wow, nasty much?

I'm going to take a leap, here, and guess that you don't do couseling or team building in your professional life.

[Control-Z]

41. Right. Just buck up and be the good

mommy slave? Bet you're a dude.

[missingthebigdog]

46. Harsh!

I wouldn't characterize this as a pity party, and coming here for support and empathy is perfectly acceptable.

Now that you have vented, you know what you need to do. If you want things to change, change them. No one can walk all over you unless you lay down and let them.

I used to be very resentful of people who I went out of my way to help and got no appreciation in return. Now, I do things for people if I want to, and don't expect anything except for the satisfaction of having done them. And I am a happier person.

[JI7]

74. maybe they are only coming over to TAKE TAKE TAKE , would they come over if they

were asked to contribute and help out in some way ?

[Lex]

31. These are things to say TO your children.

So they'll know.

Otherwise it's not fair to them for you to feel this way and not TELL them.

[Quantess]

32. A bottle? Buy a box!

Drink up. Put a dent in the wine box tonight, stay up late, sleep in tomorrow, and be too hungover to prepare anything for Thanksgiving brunch at all....well, maybe you can brew a pot of coffee and open a box of cookies fo them.

And don't apologize or act embarrassed!

[A Little Weird]

33. People are sometimes cluesless, but they can learn

I don't have kids but I must admit that I really took holiday meals for granted for a long time. I guess my mom and grandma made everything look so easy that I just assumed it was. They seemed to enjoy it. But by the time I got into my early 20s, I started to see the stress that I had just never noticed before. When I actually started cooking things more complicated than ramen noodles, it really became clear what a big undertaking it was.

So now my brother and I always try to help out in some way. By bringing side dishes or desserts or helping with the grocery shopping (a task my mom truly hates). And we do a lot of the clean up. This year my brother is hosting and mom is doing some side dishes and I'm doing dessert.

Since you've already made some plans, I would suggest doing something really simple for brunch, like deli sandwiches and chips. Just something basic so the family can be together and you don't have to go nuts with preparation. And I agree with other posters that you should just assign a dish (or dishes) to your kids for the Sunday dinner. There's not a thing wrong with that. If the teen can't cook, give him/her specific chores to do to help out.

I'm sorry you're stressed out and I hope things get better for you. But don't give up hope - thoughtless kids can learn empathy!

PS - I do love the idea of the sci-fi Thanksgiving! Sounds much less stressful.

[liberal N proud]

34. We would love to have our children home for the holidays

They have both moved long distances and like their mother have jobs that keep them working through the holidays.


We would love to do the cooking, the cleaning and gifting. It would be so nice to have some of those days back. I say enjoy those times with your children, I didn't get to spend any holidays with my parents once I left home, so miss that those times. The mess and the work is a small price to pay for family memories. Our oldest daughter would come home for Christmas when she was in school and I would drive her back, the 20 hour each direction drive was worth it because we were together. It has been 4 years since she has been home and her sister is gone off to school and working two jobs so chances for her to get home are slim.

Have them over, get them involved in the preparations for the day, make it a family affair and enjoy. Those days will be gone too soon.

Oh, they do appreciate it or they wouldn't come back each holiday.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

35. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your head.

Some comedian..I don't remember who.

[upaloopa]

36. Tell them you have no desire to keep up the tradition and that they

Should make other plans this year

[MADem]

37. Here is what you tell them. In an EMAIL.....

"KIDS!!!!! Have a wonderful holiday!!!!! Take LOTS of pictures and put them up on facebook so I can see them!!! I'll be flying off/taking the train/driving to spend a couple of days with husband at (insert name of resort) so we won't be together this year, but I'll hold you in my heart at this important time! Much, MUCH LOVE to all!!!!!!"

Make sure to send them a pic of you, poolside, holding up a margarita, arm in arm with yer fellah, and smiling like a fool.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

What you are doing is enabling. You are doing it out of love, but you need to disengage every now and again and take care of YOURSELF. Save all that money you spend buying groceries and table decorations and gifts, etc. and use it to finance a holiday--even if it is only a mini-break for a day or two.

If you want to give gifts, give small gift cards or tiny, inexpensive yet thoughtful gifts and leave it at that.

We either do potlucks or go to a really good restaurant for Thanksgiving, and we share the burden by going from one home to the next for other occasions--no one gets crapped on year in/year out. Everyone should have a chance to participate, it makes them part of the process. People who are professional takers need to get correct and realize that they need to give to the process, not just take from it.

I am posting this from a resort, btw--and I'll be going to the pool shortly for a nice long swim!

[erpowers]

38. Yes

I think it is very appropriate for you to tell your grown children to fend for themselves during the holidays. Also, I think you should ask your older children to take up the tradition. If they say no, tell them you are unable to continue the event.

[valerief]

40. I think you should have a bad headache tomorrow and let them fend for themselves. nt

[Rex]

43. Sounds like you've enabled yourself into not being a parent.

You sound more like a slave to the holidays and 'good cheer' others get from your hard work. Am I to understand that the kids never bring anything (presets, food, drinks, anything?) no wonder you feel depressed!

Don't be a slave for others, even your kids. From what I've experienced in life, everyone enjoys being together more when they all bring something to the table. Even if that is just setting the table getting out gifts (that THEY brought) and placing them around the tree etc..

Tell your grown children to bring a dish! And would it hurt them to give mom and dad a good long hug and say how much they appreciate you two for being their parents?

Sulking in the bottle doesn't help, been there.

If you have a heart to heart talk with your kids, they might learn something that never crossed their minds. To them, you two being together with them defaults into making you happy and you need more than validation from them...you need them to do their part and they will be happier in the long run.

Take it from someone that has to go to a few 'holiday family parties' every year, kids will be kids. Remind them of family.

[cbdo2007]

44. I'm shocked they've never bought you christmas or birthday gifts....

that is very odd.

Why do you think they don't buy you birthday or christmas gifts?? I've never known an adult who doesn't buy their parent gifts. Sure, maybe a 16 or 18 year old....or early 20's....but by 25 for sure they should be getting you a gift.

[peace13]

48. I buy my mom birthday presents, send her flowers and cards for Valentine's Day...

...Easter flowers, Christmas flowers and gifts. I am lucky to get a birthday gift. If I do it is always late. She has one grandson and she rarely sends him as much as a birthday card. Some folks are weird but I don't think it is the parenting. Neither of my sister's think to send even a mother's day card to mom. But yours truly? Of course I do.

[JI7]

75. and in this case she is giving gifts to the in laws but not her own parents

[Lydia Leftcoast]

77. Even when my stepfather had Alzheimer's, even when my mother was 89 and feeble

making them extremely hard to shop for, we bought them SOMETHING.

[peace13]

47. I suggest keeping the plans for the brunch and..

...prepare it in a way that would make you happy. Say an opening greeting of how thankful you are to have such strong wonderful children and then with a positive handing of the torch, ask for
help with your Sunday meal. Sunday, after a great feast that others help you create suggest, in the most loving mom like way, that you look forward to Christmas but would love for one of the young ones to host the party.

I love my 29 year old son but he does not have a clue about holidays. In his teens he scoffed at me cleaning and cooking. He is bringing his fiance for dinner tomorrow. How funny if I didn't cook or clean for the event! He knows I will and in some ways, he needs it to be like the old days. They will go to his fiance's parents for Christmas. Your post has me thinking that next year I will include them in the meal preparation and holiday plan. This year they can help clear the table and begin the tradition of making the holidays happen.

I feel your frustration and wave of exhaustion. I send you love and energy and wishes for a kind and loving family day. Take a hot shower, breathe long and deep through your nose and smile at yourself in the mirror when you are done. Peace and love to you, Kim

[TBF]

49. Mama if I were you I'd head to Starbucks

and let them try it themselves for once!

I am an older mom with school-aged kids ... they are pretty spoiled with their video games and so on but I really appreciate a little help in return so I put them to work setting the table, tending to the dogs etc.... We are staying home for the holidays this year (last year we did several trips back & forth to my inlaws w/a very sick mom-in-law so I cooked & did it all). My dear husband noticed that and said "we're not going anywhere and I'm ordering Boston Market this year". He's bringing it home tonight and we'll just heat it tomorrow. I took my youngest to the store today to get some extras and when we got home he said "sit down mom - I'll bring it in". He is 6 and brought in all the groceries. <3

[Blaukraut]

51. Donate the food to a pantry and tell the kids 'Sorry, mom's diner is closed this year'

And then tell them exactly what you wrote in your post. Tell them it's your own fault for enabling them, but it's time for them to take up the reins if they want any more family dinners for the holidays.

I'd also forego any presents this year. Instead, make a donation to a nice charity in each of their names, and let them know what you did.

[ellie]

52. I don't have children but I will tell you what my mom did

I come from a family of eight children. My mom worked full time while we were growing up. She did all of the cooking on holidays and shopping and generally made it very nice for us. I have wonderful memories of holidays. About 20 years ago, she was tired of the cooking and the cleaning and the gift shopping and she said enough, she was not doing it anymore and she stopped. Which was fine with us. My sister has dinner on the holidays and my mom goes as a guest. She takes a pie she bought and we are all just happy she is with us. We are all very protective of her.

It is time for you to say enough. You aren't the chief cook and bottle washer anymore. These are grown ass people who can make their own meal and invite you and your husband to it. And no more gifts. Have a gift exchange where everyone pulls a name out of the hat or everyone buys a $10 gift and puts it in the middle of the table and everyone picks one.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

[riderinthestorm]

68. ^^^ This^^^ I'm the daughter who took over the holidays from my mom

We used to always help her by bringing all the sides, desserts, drinks but even making the main course, cleaning, ensuring there's enough butter, 1/2 +1/2 etc got to be too much for her.

I took all of the holidays over 10 years ago. I'm giving myself 5 more years to host these gatherings then I'm done. I've already announced it last year. At that point there will be 7 nieces and nephews, plus my own kids, between the ages of 23-31. One or more of them can step up and take it on or I'll be done and start taking minivacations without regret.

You've got to tell your kids though. Tomorrow tell them what they are assigned to bring for Sundays feast.

Sounds like Sunday is THE perfect time to further more let them know you are passing the torch. Let them know if nobody wants to host Xmas dinner you and your husband are heading out of town for a romantic getaway.

Also let them know that since they're all adults the gift giving is finished.

Smile. Be firm. Drink wine. But you have to let them know.

[elfin]

53. Get through this year with smiles and wine

Then make plans for next year without griping or whining (except to yourself and DU.)

Around September be matter of fact and say that you have reached that magical stage of geezer hood that requires you to be entertained and fed. You know they will reach that point in their lives and then will know how magical/wonderful it is.

Enclose a recipe book of family favorites and a photo book of past gatherings and say you just can hardly wait for the holidays!

See what happens and have a fantastic Plan B vacation if they disappoint. Then more wine.

[mainer]

56. Tell them, but non-confrontationally

Kids can be clueless. So can everyone. Sometimes they just need to be told that you're hurt. Let them know you're tired out, would like someone else to pick up the slack, and that you would appreciate a gift this year.

It doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they've settled into old roles and haven't adjusted to the fact Mom is getting older.

[laundry_queen]

57. Be open and honest.

Let them know how you feel.

Tell them it's getting harder and that you would appreciate some help. Delegate things out - don't expect them to read your mind. What is it you want the most help with? Dishes? Then announce a new rule that the cook doesn't have to clean up. If you want help with dessert, ask someone to bring something. Say, "I'm not doing any pies this year - can someone pick something up or make something? That would be great, thanks." You can't assume that people can read your mind. My mom does that, then gets pissed when we haven't guessed what she would like (For the record, my brother and I do bring dishes to the meal, and we all help clean up after. My mom just hates doing any of it, but insists on having it at her house. I cooked most of it last year when I lived there and this year - I'm Canadian so Thanksgiving was last month - my parents took off on a vacation, lol, so I cooked it this year too). Anyway, it's important to make your needs known, and that you expect more.

As for the gift giving, that's something that should've been taught a long time ago. Growing up, my dad would take us shopping to get my mom something, and my mom would take us shopping to get my dad something. Then when we got old enough to shop ourselves, it was, "What are you getting dad/mom this year?" Perhaps you could start it by saying, "Dad would really like X this year - perhaps you could all get together and get him that nice gift?" Get your husband to do the same, maybe adding, "we should get mom something nice for all the work she does for us on the holidays."

The bottom line is your kids are doing this because you allow them to. You don't let them know how you feel and you expect them to just know what to do. Also, it's hard to break the 'do nothing' habit if they've never been required to do anything. Even as a kid I was expected to clean my plate off and put it in the dishwasher, then help dry dishes, on Christmas or Thanksgiving. As a teen I was expected to help wash and chop vegetables and maybe cook a dish on my own. This Thanksgiving I asked my teens to help out and my 13 year old decided to make the pumpkin pies (that turned out wonderfully). My 16 year old decided to clean up afterwards - which is her normal chore anyway. If your kids have never had to do that, then they wouldn't know where to start, and this is why you must delegate while being open and honest about your feelings.

If there's anything I've learned about being a parent is that kids do NOT pick things up by osmosis most of the time - they must be taught. Some things that are clearly obvious to us are NOT obvious to them. It's why you must begin to be more assertive about your wants and needs - you are now teaching them how to appreciate the work that goes into big celebrations. It's not too late

Oh, and I agree with the person who said it's also time to let your own expectations of yourself go a little. You don't need a 41-course meal and a spotless, perfectly decorated house with the perfect gift for everyone to make a holiday memorable. Find a way to let go of some of the expectations you have placed upon yourself so you can enjoy the holidays too - you deserve it.

[mercuryblues]

58. Change the word

kids to siblings and you have almost the same scenario as me.

You can flame out in Mercury blues fashion, which will be the stuff of legends.


My sisters came a day early to "help" me cook because my husband was away. Being hyper organized for holiday meals, I made up a list of what I needed them to do. Both agreed to the plan weeks in advance.

One did maybe 1/2 her list and then had to do an errand. She came back hours later. The other spent the day on the phone between work and her ex threatening to kill himself. Which he did every other week.

They pulled this crap just about every holiday meal, which left me doing the bulk of the cooking for the family, all together totaling 23 people, including kids.

Thanksgiving day was no better. However, because I picked up the slack from them the day before, I threw my back out. I took the pumpkin pies out of the oven at midnight and woke up at 5 am to start the bread, which was supposed to be made the day before by my younger sister.

Bad back, bad mood. I sucked it up and took a pain pill. 2 hours later another. By 9 Am I opened what was to be my 1st bottle of wine. took another pain pill. About 30 minutes before the meal was done, I grabbed my 3rd bottle of wine and went and sat out on the porch, where everyone was. My brothers got up and finished the meal. After dinner, I went to bed.

I let them know that for Christmas, I was making a rib roast, buying frozen rolls, a pie from a bakery, and making a salad. If they wanted anything else they were to bring it. Funny they all had somewhere else to be that year. By Easter they were all back at my house for the holiday meal. My kids still talk about that Christmas. It was the 1st holiday where Mom was not a raving lunatic by noon. I do this for all the holidays now.

Or you could skip the flame out and just let them casually know that you are making/buying premade just 4 things for Christmas dinner, ask for a head count so you will know how much to buy. If they ask about a dish they love, give them the recipe.

When my kids hit 21 years old or move away, I give them a check for Christmas. They know what they want or need more than I do.

I tell my family what I am making, if they want anything else, bring it and they do.

[hunter]

60. My childhood holidays were often times of family warfare.

Sometimes smoldering under the surface spewing toxic fumes, sometimes open brawls with yelling, throwing dishes, and people leaving early.

Honestly, I only remember a few holidays I really enjoyed

My worst Thanksgiving ever was as a young single man. I left early because my grandma was being especially disruptive and all these adults were acting like she was someone who they could reasonably argue with. (My siblings and I had figured out she was crazy years before and we just sort of went along with flow.) So I got back to my apartment and my girlfriend's girlfriend (who had an even worse family, including a molesting stepdad...) stopped by and tried to kill herself in my bathtub.

Personally, I'm sometimes one of the biggest holiday grumps there is. I can put on an excellent Thanksgiving celebration, and I have many times but I never keep score, otherwise I'd go crazy, maybe 'cause I'm sometimes the son-of-a-bitch (hi mom ) who is sucking the life out of the party ready to bite the hand off anyone who tries to "cheer" me up. Could be in my heritage, Christmas as the big pagan party before winter gets worse and it's time to stack frozen dead relatives in the shed like lumber until spring comes and they can be buried in the rain and mud.

Anyways, we must forgive those faults in others that we see in ourselves.

Christmas is my least favorite holiday. All the consumerism drives me nuts. DON'T BUY ME ANYTHING!!! And I'll return the favor. I quit watching television for good after Obama's reelection and I was much happier not seeing much Christmas advertising from then on. (I can ignore the stuff in the newspaper and mail, and I hardly ever set foot in a "big box" store.) My ideal Christmas would be sitting on a warm beach somewhere, watching the waves, a cool drink in my hand, in a place where nobody has ever heard of Christmas.

[LWolf]

61. I live in a whole different world.

It might be because my kids grew up sharing household responsibilities; whatever they were old enough to take on. We started out cooking and cleaning together, and when they were old enough to be competent on their own, we all had assigned nights for food prep and clean-up. They took an equal share in all the household chores. That was just business as usual.

It might be because I had a little sign above the kitchen door: "There's two choices on the menu: 1. Take it 2. Leave it." Being picky was never a choice. As a single working mom, feeding everybody was a duty that I didn't always enjoy. It was about making sure there was food on the table, not about making sure everyone liked it. We did have special occasions where we put more effort into a more elaborate meal, but we did it together.

These days, my boys are grown. Both like to cook, and would prefer to cook themselves, rather than eat my utilitarian fare. My younger son does most of the holiday cooking, with his son. He calls everyone and assigns them something to bring, and he and my grandson take care of the rest. My assignment never changes: salad. He expects me to buy a pre-made salad that nobody really wants, but will eat a bit for appearance' sake before diving into the real goodies at a holiday meal. So I went to town today to pick up a salad. At some point, he'll have me make gravy. That's one thing I can do that he likes better than his own, lol.

Meanwhile, he called me earlier this week to quiz me on my doctor-imposed diet, because he's going to make sure that I'm not left out of the feeding frenzy. I told him not to worry, that I didn't need special dessert; I'd just skip it. He ignored me, and went away with a list of what's on my menu to play with. I have to admit, I'm curious.

We'll have a good day.

[eridani]

62. Some people just don't do clues, and distance exacerbates that.

You are just going to have to tell them. "Kids, we aren't getting any younger, and this holiday stuff is getting to be less fun and more work. Let's discuss how you can help out."

My DH is the sort of nerd who says stuff like "of course I don't want to take the groceries in, but if you ask me if I will take them in, that's diferent." It would never occur to him to offer his sister gas money when she takes him to the train station in Portland, so I just order him to do it. "Oh, OK."

[Chan790]

64. Okay...

Let's address the main concerns here separately. In addition, your kids are spoiled but there's nothing that can be done big picture today that doesn't ruin the holidays. Wait until the new year and set them straight that this (2014) year one is hosting Thanksgiving and the other is hosting Christmas and the boy is getting off the damned game-console and helping his sisters with the holidays. They have a year to get over it and figure things out. Offer to bring the one thing they all actually like...like the family stuffing or pie.

(Before you read further, I should point out I am a manipulator first-class. My mother had only boys so I became the repository of the family knowledge on "mothering through guilt and subterfuge." because I'm the oldest. It's like Highlander: There can be only one (matriarch) and there must always be one. I'm expected to pass it along to the first-born girl.)

1.) Takes you for granted and doesn't get you anything but splurges on her in-laws.
I dunno. I used the shame trick on my kid brother one year...he'd gotten me something ridiculous and cheap (we'd given him money ($300) to go buy gifts {for our parents, me, our other brother, one gift valued at $50 for the extended-family Secret Santa and his gf}...he spent $10 on us, $39.99 on the Secret Santa and bought the gf a used PS2 that when they broke-up X-Mas Eve (He picked an argument and used it as a pretext to break up with her) he kept, so really he bought himself a PS2.)...so when people asked me what he'd gotten me, in front of him, I pointed to something really nice I'd gotten myself and left him to fend for himself when people wanted to praise him for being such a thoughtful brother. He knew he'd fucked up, I knew he knew he'd fucked up...and he had to hear how awesome he was but only for something he'd not done. The next year, he didn't ask for money and bought nice gifts.

If she's buying gifts for her in-laws, what's her husband getting you? I'd tell him how lovely her idea is for his parents and start dropping hints about what I want. Let him have the "What are we getting your parents?" conversation. There's also the "blind gift"...you buy you a gift you really want. Then you gush to each of the children about how thoughtful their sibling is to get you that nice gift. Eventually they talk and each says "I thought you bought her the ______." Next year, the expectation has been set that they will give you gifts; between guilt and concern of being outgifted, you should do well.

2.) Bringing the boyfriend's kids.
I'd put my foot down but in a safe way. "So, does this mean you're serious? Thinking about marriage?" The answer is probably No. The response is that you don't think it's appropriate for her to bring his kids then. Treat it like bringing the kids is merging the families and merging the families is a big deal. I mean you have to handle it delicately...she could end up marrying this man and then these are your step-grandkids. Maybe they're nice kids.

3.) Husband is away.
It sounds like fatigue and one more thing on top of the present unhappiness. Carve out some time when he's home for the two of you. That's not Sunday after you've put in hours of work to make things nice for the family and people you've never met. It's possibly next Sunday...plan something nice. Turn off the phone...if the kids have a crisis, it'll have to wait. They're adults.

4.)Son won't help, plays games all day.
If you throw away the gaming console, you're going to have to listen to him complain...eventually you feel guilty and end up shelling for a new console. What you do is yell that you need help for just one second...and them proceed to give him one chore after another after another after another. Then you're denying him his games and getting work out of him. Worst case scenario, you don't need to trash the console...there's a wire between the console and the TV. Take it hostage until you get what you need done from him. It's small, it fits anywhere, it's not like he has any chance of finding it if you hide it.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

67. I can understand a teenager wanting to play video games,

but s/he would have tasks, like setting the table, offering up beverages, clearing the table, washing dishes, taking out the trash/recycling, etc. I'm having a tough time understanding the adult kids, especially this:

We never see a birthday gift, Christmas gift or even an offer to bring a dish for the large meals we prepare.

I agree with the poster upthread -- tell everyone NOW you have a massive headache (or something) and need to cancel the brunch. Open the wine, draw a bubble bath, watch your movies, read magazines -- whatever makes you happy. Clear your head and get a bit of rest before Sunday's feast.

You need to manage expectations. The adult children can host on occasion. Go out to a restaurant one year (or years) to take the pressure off. If you do host, offer the beverages and turkey and/or ham (hell, lasagna if that's what your family likes), and tell everyone to bring a dish. Take off with just the hubby as suggested upthread. I remember the first year my family didn't spent Thanksgiving together. My mother and new stepfather went to Hawaii -- see ya suckers! We kids survived.

I can't imagine showing up to anyone's home empty-handed, including my parents.

[notadmblnd]

70. You tell them you're not cooking this year.

Be honest with the, tell them what you told us. And damn it, if you want to spend the day in bed watching tv, do it.

Oh, and don't invite them over next year.

[Blue_In_AK]

71. My grown children are in other states

except for my youngest who lives in the other half of our duplex with her boyfriend. When my oldest girl still lived in Anchorage, she would often do holidays at her house because she loves to entertain, and we would all contribute. My youngest doesn't cook much, but she is bringing a side to my feast tomorrow. My middle daughter hasn't been home for Thanksgiving since she left for college in 1995.

As far as Christmas goes, we all agreed a few years ago that the adults wouldn't exchange gifts, but we'd all just concentrate on the kids. This has worked well for everyone as far as reducing stress and eliminating that old "obligated" feeling. I've gone one step further and just send money down to the girls so they can buy gifts for the little ones because shipping from Alaska often costs more than the gifts themselves.

My husband went kind of nuts on our local daughter, though, this year and bought a bunch of stuff for them just because he felt like it and they need things -- a vacuum cleaner, frying pans, glasses, house stuff. I know she's going to feel overwhelmed and will probably cry, but I can't stop him...he's a giver.

[JI7]

72. you have done more than enough and they are taking advantage of it

they may not even know it so you can try to talk to them.

but the way i see it is you need to try to talk to them to change things and if they still wont help put and end to these things.

save the money you spend on this and use it to go out to some expensive dinner or whatever else for you and your husband.

you can have a dinner but you don't need to go all out . keep things simple.

[Agnosticsherbet]

76. I tell my kids, "I love you. Come home."

They have their lives, and I can not dictate to them how to live them. They can play video games on my dime. They can bring girlfriends, boyfriends, kids. I don't care.

I can only enjoy their existence while I live, and holidays are for families.

[Warpy]

78. Under the circumstances, I'd tell them to stay home.

No husband and a pile of thankless work? No thanks. Four or five add on guests? Are you fucking kidding me? Ignoring everyone and playing video games that monopolize the TV? That console is going in the trash can wrapped in newspaper and under the plastic trash bag. That kind of kid will never take the trash out unless he's told to do so, repeatedly, so he'll never find it. Tell him it went to Goodwill. If he switched to a phone, then he'd taste the arsenic in his plate of food. I'm told it's a slightly sweetish condiment.

I did one Thanksgiving at the inlaws and pulled the plug because the MIL was knocking herself out, the mostly male gathering would stuff the food down their gullets as though they were in a speed eating contest, and then retire to hoot at the TV set which was being flipped among several vitally important (to them) football games.

[MicaelS]

80. Tell them it is their turn.

Their turn to do EVERYTHING. You are passing the torch, and if they don't step up, and do what is needed, there will be no more whatever at Mom and Dad's. The two of you will have your holiday together.

People will get away with as much as you let them. Don't spare their feelings, because it is apparent they are short quite a few.

If I can offer some advice as a man..look after your husband first. The kids are all grown, and they do not appreciate your sacrifice. If you were my wife, I would want you with me in the cab of my truck and we would celebrate roiling down whatever road was in front of us, and talk about the good old days. If that meant Thanksgiving dinner was in a brown bag we got to go from McDs, so be it, as long as you were with me.

Last piece of advice. Re-do this post in an email, send it all and sundry.

[fizzgig]

81. tell them how you feel

tell them you've had enough. open communication is really important in these situations.

i'm 32 and married, sister is 29 and living at home. dad foots the bills for the meals and buys us what we need for giftmas, but we handle all the cooking and the cleaning. he has always taken care of us and he deserves a feast a few times a year.

my dad would tell us kindly to piss off if he were tired of it or felt like he was being taken advantage of.

[pipi_k]

82. My kids are

having Thanksgiving with each other this year. That hardly ever happens, except my daughter suggested it to her brother, and offered to cook the turkey and some pies and other things.

Mr Pipi and I always go to his oldest daughter's house for Thanksgiving. She and her hubby love to cook, and the first year hubby and I were married I tried having our own holiday but I got the distinct impression that I was upsetting the order of the universe by doing that, so...we go to her house.

Christmas Eve my son and his wife do at their house and we go there, my daughter and her family, and whatever other family members of my DIL are around as well.

Christmas Day we again go to the stepdaughter's house.

This is the way we've done it for 18 years.

anyway, I just wanted to say that I agree with the ones who said that you have raised selfish children and you need to nip this by being honest with yourself, and with them.

Hope your holiday turns out good, whatever happens...

[ehrnst]

83. If YOU don't want to do it, don't. If you need gratitude to make it worthwhile, don't do it.

If you love doing these things, which is clear that you don't, just stop. Accept that they are not going to change, and remove yourself from the situation that is hurtful for you.

What other people do or appreciate is not under your control. It would be nice, but it's not realistic to expect it now. If you are doing these things with the expectation of a specific reaction that someone else will have, then you'll be disappointed when you expect it from these people.

Take care of yourself, and let them know that you love them, but would like to enjoy the holidays, and that means that you will be wishing them well, period.

If you can just move on and figure out what fulfills you, you'll be happy. Clearly the holiday obligations of gift buying for these people, and hosting celebrations will not bring any rewards that you seek.

I wish you peace.