A student's science joke

[ybbor]

So yesterday I shared a joke about science with some of my students, it went like this:

So a Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, a Proton, "How much for a beer?" The bartender says, " for you, no charge." The Neutron says, "Are you sure?" And the Proton bartender says, "I'm positive!"

So my nerdy colleagues and my students have a good laugh, and then one of the kids says, "I have a science joke", to which we all reply, "Ok, let's hear it", and she replies, "Creationism!" The place erupts!

Never say the kids don't know. It was awesome!

[FSogol]

1. Wanna hear a math joke?

A sheep farmer says to his sheep dog, "Well, it is getting late. Go gather up all my sheep."
The sheep dog runs off. A few minutes later he returns panting.
The farmer says, "Did you get the sheep."
The dog replies, "Yes, all 20 sheep are in the barn."
"20 sheep," the farmer cried, "I only have 18 sheep."
"I rounded up," replied the dog.

[ybbor]

2. Now that's funny!

Did he "factor" in his time?

[MrScorpio]

9. Leó Szilárd and Edward Teller met up in a bar

As they're drinking, Szilárd looks over at Teller and notices that he has this huge shit eating grin on his face. He thought that this was pretty weird, because Teller NEVER EVER smiles.

Szilárd who's curious about why Teller is so uncharacteristically happy, asks him why he's smiling so much.

Teller tells Szilárd that he just got finished talking to their pal, Robert Oppenheimer and that Bob has just set him up with the best guaranteed blind date of his entire life. He actually bet the farm that this woman is a sure thing.

A doubtful Szilárd then asks Teller how is it possible that Oppenheimer could make such an outrageous assertion.

"It's simple.", says Teller, "Because Oppenheimer told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was going to introduce me to THE BOMB."

[ybbor]

20. That is bad.

[Dr. Strange]

25. This one is knot funny:

A woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here!"

The woman replies, "These are very special animals."

"How so?"

"They're knot theorists."

The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I've met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist."

"Well, I'll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like."

So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant."

"Arf, arf" barks the dog.

The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological invariant

The cow says, "Mu, mu."

At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, "Just what are you trying to pull" and throws them out of the bar.

Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks, "I should have gone with the Jones polynomial shouldn't I?"

[lastlib]

32. Hahahahahahahaha!! that's good!

(gotta share that with a fellow math geek!)

[Coyotl]

54. A giraffe walks into a bar. No, seriously, a giraffe walks into a bar.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2551472/Giraffe-walks-bar-Perdy-regular-nightly-stroll-South-African-restaurant-stops-short-necking-drink.html

[GliderGuider]

75. ROFLMAO.

[FloridaJudy]

57. Noah is having problems with two venomous snakes

On the ark. They insist on chasing and hissing at the other animals, and have even bitten a few, though fortunately not yet fatally. He decides the only thing to do is isolate the ill-tempered reptiles. Since snakes are notoriously able to slither through small cracks, he decides that locking them in a room wouldn't work.

So he saws the legs off of a small table, nails some rough-hewn timber to the bottom, puts the snakes on the makeshift raft, and attaches it to the ark with a slender rope. Then he sets it adrift.

The next morning, he looks out to check on the snakes and - behold! - during the night, they have reproduced. They are now surrounded with a dozen baby snakes, all hissing and looking for something to bite.

Noah had forgotten that adders can multiply on a log table.

[lastlib]

60. BOOOooooo! Hissss!!

very good!

[awoke_in_2003]

28. That took me a second. nt

[Coyotl]

53. Smart dog, and very funny too LOL

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

114. As a self appointed member of the Grammar Police

I must ask, why the question mark at the end of the dogs sentence?

[Aerows]

3. That was good! n/t

[MrScorpio]

4. Werner Heisenberg was speeding on a country road

Unfamiliar with his surroundings, he realized that he made a wrong turn somewhere and was now lost. Unfortunately, his speeding came to the attention of a sheriff's deputy who tracked his excessive pace on his radar gun at a speed trap. The cop then chased Werner down and promptly pulled him over to give him a ticket.

While looking at Heisenberg's registration and license, the cop who's actually a former physics major in college, asks him if he knew why he was pulled over. Werner said that he was lost, didn't know where he was and that he didn't know anything.

The cop said, while writing the ticket, "Well, sir. I guess this is your lucky day."

"Why is that, Officer?", says a perturbed Werner.

"Because I'm about to do something right now that you haven't been able to do during your entire life", replies the deputy.

"What's that, Officer?"

The deputy smiles while handing him the ticket and says, "Well guess what. Not only will I tell you where you are, but I'm even going to do the impossible AND tell you how fast you were going."

[ybbor]

8. I like it

[Squinch]

5. I want to be in your class!

[Aerows]

6. Statistics

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they see a small white rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

[ybbor]

7. Funny

I think? I was never that good at stats.

[Aerows]

10. Old favorite

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." The barman pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, "That's all you're giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?" The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."

(Calculus joke)

[ybbor]

13. Now that I get!

Too funny!

[ybbor]

14. One of my favorites

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Aerows]

15. OMG

That was bad

[ybbor]

16. Yeah it stinks!

[Auntie Bush]

72. The pencil or the joke?

Both!

[Coyotl]

55. Back in my day, constipated mathematicians worked it out

with a slide rule.

Which always seemed kind of uncomfortable

[lastlib]

61. I suppose that'd be preferable to working it out with a computer........

[seveneyes]

64. Not if you fork a finger process

[lastlib]

65. (I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole...!)

[ybbor]

116. Ok resting on my laurels

(Only time I have made the front page, let alone the top. Thanks!)

Just wanted you to know that I have retold this joke exponentially, multiple times! (Is that possible? Actually I know it is, along the line of ax^(n)+bx^(n-1)+c^(n-2)+ ..., but I digress).

And thanks!!!

You continue to make my life's purpose seem worthwhile when I feel down. I go here to pick myself up.

Almost the anniversary, BTW. 👍

[jtuck004]

91. Not the greatest joke around, but it's about average. n/t

[Travis_0004]

34. This is my favorite stats joke

[TroglodyteScholar]

41. I laughed like a maniac at that

Thanks

[Aerows]

48. LMAO

[DeadLetterOffice]

76. I have this comic on a t-shirt.

I like wearing it when I'm teaching masters students about significance testing...

[Coyotl]

79. That's a clever IQ test too!

If you don't get it, you might be a Cave troll.

[LeftishBrit]

89. I love that one!

[MrModerate]

44. My favorite in this thread. I just broke company policy . . .

And shared with several of my colleagues via email.

[Aerows]

49. You totally got the joke!

[MrScorpio]

11. Marie and Pierre Curie were walking hand in hand down a Parisian street

They were laughing happily and smiling brightly because they had just made the fantastic discovery of Radium.

Their joyfulness came quickly to the attention of their busybody neighbor, who came walking from the opposite direction.

Looking the happy couple and quickly assessing the reason for their happiness, Mme. Busybody stops the couple to congratulate them.

"What for?", asks Mme. Curie.

"Well, for your the news of your pregnancy, my dear.", replies Mme. Busybody.

"So what makes you think that I'm pregnant?", says an incredulous Marie Curie.

"Why, I can see it as plain as day...", replies Mme. Busybody, "You're glowing."

[ybbor]

17. Oh, Fukushima humor.

No really I like it. It's punny.

[Aerows]

12. Good one for Algebra

How do you dig half a hole?

With half a shovel.

[Mister Ed]

24. Always remember, there are only 10 kinds of people in the world:

those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[ybbor]

26. Now that is really good

I'll have to share it with our computer science teacher.

[lastlib]

33. Binary--it's easy as 1-10-11 !!

[Mister Ed]

36. Ooh, good one! n/t

[ybbor]

38. Stop it!

[Aerows]

85. Excellent!

[DeadLetterOffice]

78. There are two kinds of people in the world...

...Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

[tclambert]

81. There are three kinds of people in the world . . .

those who can count, and those who can't.

[jazzimov]

18. There once was a lady named Bright

Whose speed was much faster than Light
She set out one day
in a Relative way
And returned on the previous night.

[ybbor]

19. Ahh. Physics

I like physics

[FSogol]

21. Physics:

"We don’t allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.

[ybbor]

22. I like it

I think I'll have a drink.

[MrModerate]

45. OK, LLOL . . .

Literally laughed out loud.

[TxDemChem]

97. lol I did too!

I'm going to have to steal that one

[Laxman]

63. An Oldie But Goodie...

What's New? C over Lambda

[ProfessorGAC]

106. That REALLY Tickled Me

This whole thread has been fun, but you had me laughing hard.

[TygrBright]

51. A limerick about ME!!

::swooning with excitement::

I WOULD, too!

velocitationally,
Bright

[ThoughtCriminal]

23. Higgs Boson walks into a church...

[ybbor]

27. I was literally LOL

Not ROTFLMAO, but actually LOL!

[Aerows]

50. I think "you wouldn't have Mass"

is a punchline for ages!

[lumberjack_jeff]

113. Heh. +1 n/t

[blkmusclmachine]

29. ,

,

[nikto]

30. They left out...

The electron drinking alone in a corner seat...


Feeling small and negative.

[ybbor]

31. Yes, yes

They left out the i(c)onic electron.

[Paulie]

35. Ah, the one thing the electron is positive about

Is being negative.

[tclambert]

37. Leonard's chicken joke from Big Bang theory:

Last edited Fri Feb 7, 2014, 02:06 PM - Edit history (2)

Even better, Penny's science joke:

[eridani]

58. The sound on my computer is crapped out. Were these the ones?

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed to road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

[tclambert]

82. An anomaly occurred? Okay, transcript of Leonard's joke:

A farmer's chicken won't lay eggs. He calls a physicist for help. The physicist does some calculations and he says, "I have a solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

And Penny's science joke:

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself and offers one to the empty stool next to him. This goes on for awhile until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. He says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me."

The owner then says, "Lots of beautiful, single women come in here every day. Why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you?"

And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"

[tclambert]

39. In one dorm room, a sign said, "Werner Heisenberg may have slept here."

And here's a longish math joke (although I realize the concept of length is relative):

Three kingdoms laid claim to an island in the middle of a lake. They decided to settle the issue by a tournament of arms. The first kingdom sent 10 knights, the second sent 15 knights, but the third kingdom sent only one knight. Their squires polished the armor, sharpened the swords, and set up the pavilions. The knights held a feast, prepared by the squires, who also did all the cleaning up. The squire for the lonely knight hung his cooking pot from a loop of rope thrown over a tree branch. The knights drank copiously and agreed they were in no shape for sports, so instructed their squires to also do the fighting, and whichever squire emerged victorious from the melee would win the island for his kingdom and earn his knighthood. After many hours, the squire who had hung his pot from a branch stood victorious.

Which proved the squire of the high pot and noose was greater than the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[ybbor]

42. Was that island Samos?

Because if so, that would be normal.

[TroglodyteScholar]

43. Woah.

I mean.. woah.

[trotsky]

71. That. Is. Awesome.

[TxDemChem]

99. lol giggling out loud here

[Spitfire of ATJ]

40. Post this in class...

[ybbor]

46. Heehee

[lastlib]

62. I had a chemistry prof who put a problem on an exam.....

It was a flouride compound, bonded to a propyl compound, four human stick figures, and an ether compound. We had to identify it.

What was it? "A Flouride-Propyl People-Ether"!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

(a chemical twist on "four-eyed purple people-eater"....nobody came up with the answer--fortunately, it was a bonus problem!)

[TexasProgresive]

69. But so you have the answer to the age old question?

Is that purple monster who eats people or is it a monster who eats purple people? We debated that on the school bus- we must be forgiven as the ride was an hour and a half.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

86. Could'a been worse...

[TxDemChem]

100. Love it

[FloridaJudy]

110. Could have been *Bad*

[Cha]

47. That's Good ybbor.. thank you! nm

[Aerows]

52. We have math geeks around here

And they tear it up!

[Hekate]

56. You guys are just having too much fun!

Can I be in your math class, too?

[eridani]

59. How about physicist, engineer and mathematician jokes?

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer and a computer programmer were asked to prove or disprove the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.

Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.

Physicist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime--but that could be an experimental error. 11 is prime, 13 is prime--that's quite a few data points. The theorem is tentatively true, but more research is needed.

Engineer: That would certainly be convenient. 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is prime, etc.

Programmer: I have a program that can check a lot of cases quickly--here comes the printout. 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime.....

[VWolf]

66. A quickie:

The optimist says the glass is half-full.
The pessimist says the glass is half-empty.
The engineer says the glass is too big!

(Full disclosure: I'm a tragically practical engineer by trade.)

[tclambert]

83. Glass is full! Half liquid, half air. If it really were half-empty:

https://what-if.xkcd.com/6/

[VWolf]

87. Nature abhors a vacuum .... a lot! n/t

[DemoTex]

92. Larson

[ybbor]

94. I love me some The Far Side!

I owned 10 of Larson's books, but only have one now. Damn thieves!

[TxDemChem]

101. Awesome!

[Aerows]

117. Had to go there. And my other favorite.

[drokhole]

68. Past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

[central scrutinizer]

70. whole bunch of math jokes here

http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html

[SansACause]

73. The OP is a mashup of two jokes

One of the original jokes, which I find funnier, is:

An atom walks into a bar. He tells the bartender "I've lost an electron!" The bartender says "are you sure?" The atom replies "I'm positive!"

[clarice]

74. A horse walks into a bar...

Bartender say's "Hey, why the long face?"

[Coyotl]

80. Girl Walks Into A Bar

Be sure you watch this LMAO funny film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1682246/

[clarice]

84. lolol hilarious,

My 12 year old son told me this one

"What do you do with an elephant that has 3 balls?"
"Walk him, and pitch to the chicken"

grooooaaaannnnnn

[KansDem]

77. Rene Descartes walks into a bar...

...and proceeds to order many drinks. The bartender says to him a while later, seeing he is completely inebriated, ‘I think you’ve had enough.’ Descartes slurs, ‘I think not!’ Then he disappears.”

Salon: The 10 nerdiest jokes of all time

Also:
“A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, ‘Can you take me to where I can get scrod?’ The driver replies, ‘I’ve heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.’”

[riqster]

90. C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "we don't serve minors in here!"

So E-Flat leaves, therefore C and G have an open 5th between them.

Rimshot!

[TxDemChem]

102. Nice one

[riqster]

103. Thanks! The scale was originally defined by Pythagorus.

So, music theory can hang on a math thread.

[TxDemChem]

105. Sadly, I took music theory in high school.

I really love this little group of science, math, engineering nerds we've got in this thread. It made my Friday night far more enjoyable.

[riqster]

107. It's amazing where applied mathematics can rear its ugly head, innit?

My adult life has straddled two such disciplines: music and IT.

[TxDemChem]

108. Those two sound good to me!

I think west need to start a nerd forum.

[riqster]

109. I'm in!

Card-carrying member of the nerd party since 1958.

[Lefty Thinker]

93. An MBA, an engineer and a computer programmer

An MBA, an engineer and a computer programmer are driving down a hill to a convention. The brakes on the car go out, the driver loses control of the car, and the car rolls off the road into a ditch. After the three climb from the car unscathed, the MBA looks at the car and says, "Let's cut our losses and walk."

The engineer responds, "I think I know how to fix this."

Looking concerned, the programmer says, "Before you make any modifications, I think we should push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[cab67]

95. A molecular biologist went to a livestock auction.

There was a contest - whoever could count the number of marbles in a jar won a sheep.

The biologist squinted at the jar for a brief second and said, "547!"

"You're right!" said the person running the contest. "How did you do that?"

"Well," said the molecular biologist, "in my line of work, I have to make rapid assessments of data. It comes naturally to me."

After the molecular biologist went off to collect his prize, the contest person called out, "Hey - if I can guess what your line of work is, can I keep the sheep?"

"Sure," said the molecular biologist.

"You're a molecular biologist - aren't you?"

"Yes - you're right! How could you tell?"

"Put my dog down, and we'll talk it over."

[Coyotl]

96. George H. W. Bush walks into a bar ........

George H. W. Bush walks into a bar and says, "Son, pour me your best scotch."
Bartender replies, "No way."
Pissed off, Bush finds the manager and bitches.
Manager confronts the bartender in private and returns,
"Sorry, Mr. President, but you called him 'Son' didn't you?"
Exasperated, Bush shouts, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"
Manager replies, "Everybody knows that any son of yours don't have to serve."

[riqster]

104. Best. Joke. Ever.

[TxDemChem]

98. So many great jokes, I had to bookmark this thread!

[FloridaJudy]

111. I even still have a few friends left

[ybbor]

112. I like it a lot.

[lumberjack_jeff]

115. Engineers and golf

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:
"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"