Moving in with parents becomes more common for the middle-aged

[Liberal_in_LA]

Moving in with parents becomes more common for the middle-aged
The number of Californians 50 to 64 who live in their parents' homes has surged in recent years, reflecting the grim economic aftermath of the Great Recession.


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Driven by economic necessity — Rohr has been chronically unemployed and her husband lost his job last year — she moved her family back home with her 77-year-old mother.

At a time when the still sluggish economy has sent a flood of jobless young adults back home, older people are quietly moving in with their parents at twice the rate of their younger counterparts.

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Whatever the cause, moving in with Mom and Dad exacts a bruising emotional toll. Even asking to move the family in was difficult for Rohr.

"I said 'Mom, I'm so sorry but I don't know what to do,'" she said. "I dreaded it. If it wasn't for my boys I wouldn't have done it. I would have lived in my car."


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That's what happened to Janine Rosales, who moved into her mother's San Francisco home two years ago after a career of mostly low-paying jobs left her unable to afford the city's towering rents.

For Rosales, 53, it represented a personal defeat, an unofficial marker of unmet goals in life.

"I sit here sometimes and I see baby pictures of myself and my teenage years and remember all the dreams I had," Rosales said. "I never thought I'd end up where I am."

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-adults-in-parents-home-20140421,0,2293806.story#ixzz2zY8BzsHe

[Warpy]

1. I can't imagine how incredibly hard it must be

to have to go back to the parents, admitting failure in a game that's rigged is still failure. I admire the guts of people who do that to protect their kids. I hate the system that has done it to them.

Those of us who came of age in the 60s had it easier in one way, there was plenty of cheap, run down real estate to be had to rent in the 60s and 70s, especially if we'd gotten over being particular. I never had a bathtub in the living room, a common East Village accoutrement, but I often had the refrigerator there, the Boston rathole equivalent. Our tradeoff to staying out on our own was living in squalor, a lifestyle to which I became accustomed and still enjoy.

Now the city has become thoroughly yuppiefied and few people can afford it. Poverty has moved out into the suburbs and quite often it's moved back in with Mom and Dad, who are themselves confronting a retirement with nothing but Social Security and few savings. Poverty will stay there now, since the jobs are few and scattered there, hard to find, hard to get to, and low paid.

I read enough of the foreign press to know it's not only happening here, it's becoming a global phenomenon as billionaires vacuum up the larger economy to add to their hoard.

Eventually all the self blame is going to turn to rage. I hope we are allowed a peaceful revolution before then, but it's looking less likely every year. I'm too old to throw bricks but I will supply them.

[russspeakeasy]

3. + 1

[AtheistCrusader]

12. In some cultures, this is actually pretty normal, and in fact, could serve to conserve resources.

As the parents age, their kids can more easily support them, and the load of bills/childcare/you name it is shared as an efficient group.


I'm not in financial straits, but honestly, I think it could prove a wildly successful optimization for even a large family, not just financially, but even environmentally.


I used to think putting distance between myself and my parents was job 1 as I moved out and took on the world, but in reflection, and going forward, I think that's one aspect of American Exceptionalism (like working yourself to death for some other person) that we should be critically re-evaluating.


I DO think it's unfortunate for people financially forced into that position, against their wishes, but by itself, it is not a bad thing. It is what you make of it.

[Warpy]

20. I'm going by what actually did happen when seniors could live independently

They did live independently.

Face it, rose colored glasses notwithstanding, large extended families crammed into a dweiling far from Utopian for most people. They will avoid this situation if they possibly can.

[AtheistCrusader]

22. I guess it depends on a variety of factors.

For instance, do you have enough separation/room. I envision something like two units in a town house, more or less. Parents in one, kid/family in the other. That sort of thing.

A single big dwelling with no separation living crammed together... probably not optimal.

[TBF]

36. It is ok if it is chosen - NOT ok if it becomes the norm

simply because the Koch Bros. or their friends need yet another yacht. At some point we have to ask "how much is too much"? How wealthy are we going to allow the top 85 to get before we decide it's really not worth the rest of us living in squalor.

This is unacceptable in my view --> http://www.theguardian.com/business/2014/jan/20/oxfam-85-richest-people-half-of-the-world

[frylock]

16. that was me at 40 after 1.5 years of unemployment/underemployment..

thankfully I had a network of friends and family that were happy to assist me during that dark period. not a good place to be, nonetheless.

[seabeyond]

2. i would like to see it differently. a family unit. like not too far back.

if the family gets along, i can see it as a advantage for all concerned. i can see it as a blessing and not something to feel shame about. one can live in parents house and still be responsible in all ways.

[Warpy]

5. The tipoff to how well living with extended family works for most people

is how quickly it was abandoned when Social Security was established. Instead of moving in with each other, when the parents retired they downsized their living space and preferred to stay independent until death. The truth is that living with extended family doesn't work for most of us, there is too much friction between generations.

In addition, it's just too easy to backslide into dependency when going back to live with the parents, just as easy as the parents treating them like dependent children. Such things have to be consciously avoided and that's a skill that's beyond a lot of people.

Any improvement in the economy will send those middle aged children out into apartments like they were shot out of a cannon. Their parents will hold the door open for them and slam it once they're gone.

[seabeyond]

6. interesting points. i can see that. nt

[riderinthestorm]

27. +1 nt

[Patiod]

37. Good point, but every case is different

If the parents are independent, I can see moving home as difficult for all, but if the parents need care, it might be a good move for everyone involved.

I moved in with my Dad when my Mom died and he became disabled at the same time (long story). My husband stayed in our apartment, because I intended to move back when my Dad became healthier. Which was ridiculous, because 84 year old guys do not become healthier, so a year later he gave up our apartment and moved in with us.

Fast forward a year, and just as we were planning on moving out and helping Dad move to assisted living, I lost my job. So my dad decided to stay put, and I would take care of him while I freelanced.

Worked out well for everyone - he got 24 hour care from people who loved him and we got a roof over our heads while I got my freelancing up and going (business doubled each year, but the first year would have been too lean to survive). I couldn't have taken care of him while I was working in an office, because he required middle-of-the-night care that I would have resented if I had to report to work promptly at 8:30 am. He knew what senior healthcare facilities are like because he had to spend a few stints over the years in physical rehab, and became almost suicidal, and he was far happier with us caring for him at home.

[Warpy]

43. It's nice when it works out well

My mother and I had that conversation. She said she'd give us a week and I'd be kept awake as she rummaged in the kitchen looking for the meat cleaver. I told her she'd be able to taste the arsenic in her soup. We would not have done well under the same roof for long.

Fortunately, I chose a job (nursing) that was extremely portable and in demand everywhere.

[DeSwiss]

10. There you go!

This idea of breaking up families in order to pursue a life chasing after plastic crap is what's sick. Look at all those college grads with nothing to do. All that debt and no place to go. All that plastic shit and no one to buy it.

- Coming home and collecting together to band our strengths is the smartest thing we've done in ages.




[center][/center]

[bullsnarfle]

13. Glad to know that your parents

and grandparents are just as nice as pie. Mine are (or in some cases were, good riddance) stone racists and drunk rednecks. I would rather have lived under a damn bridge with a bunch of damn rattlesnakes than move back in with them.

Not everyone's family experiences are some kind of kumbaya, sport.

[DeSwiss]

15. My parents are dead.

I'm the home everyone's coming back to.

I'm sorry for you.

Sport.

[Warpy]

21. No kidding. People from cookies and milk families

will just never admit the rest of us exist, let alone try to understand that living under a tarp in the woods and dumpster diving for food is preferable to living with dysfunctional family.

Yes, I had my own dumpsters all picked out.

[AtheistCrusader]

24. Fortunately the dysfunction in my family died.

Dad was abusive, wife beating, racist, you name it. But, all that hate wore away at him, and he's gone now.

I realize everyone's situation is different. My comment upthread was more about the American aversion to this option, not that it should be the norm for everyone.

[Skittles]

41. I hear you Warpy

all that cozy family talk can sound quite foreign to many of us

[snooper2]

4. makes sense considering you have to pay $3000 a month to buy a shack

[alp227]

7. So many ignorant comments in LATimes.com.

Most-upvoted comment: "WELCOME TO OBAMAVILLE". Seriously.

[narnian60]

28. Disgusting.

[HughBeaumont]

32. Right, because 33 years of Republican ginned-up capitalism is the President's fault.

Reading stuff like that confirms that these people deserve everything they get for blaming the wrong people for their problems.

[Liberal_in_LA]

35. yes, that's how latimes anonymous posters behave

[MillennialDem]

8. End goal of the 1%ers - 3 generations living under one roof is developing world

type stuff. The haves, the have nots, and the have mores. And the haves are becoming have nots.

Yes some of it is tradition - but some of it is also necessity.

[MADem]

9. Not just the middle aged, but the 'just out of college' too.

And sometimes, parents move in with children.

It's not all bad, though, particularly if it's a voluntary arrangement. Young people can save money to get a start, instead of pissing it away on renting a substandard apartment in a renters' market. Older people don't have to worry about the "I've fallen and I can't get up" drill if they have an adult child nearby to lend a hand. The more 'earners' in the house, the higher the standard of living for all--'luxuries' that might be out of reach for two adults become entirely possible if you've got four or more incomes contributing to the household expenses.

If it's an involuntary arrangement, it can suck, I'm sure. Also, if the home is run in a "top down" fashion (MY house, MY rules) that can suck, too.

In cultures other than USA, this communal living is a common practice, and it is considered a good thing for multi-generational families to all live under one roof. People who live alone or away from elders are sometimes pitied because the perception is that they have no one who cares about them!

It truly can be a good thing, if everyone participating has a cooperative nature.

[obxhead]

11. 37 and back to living in the parents basement.

Full time job with overtime even. Can't afford rent, food, health insurance, and medical bills. I even make 1.5 times minimum wage.

You'll need to forgive my posts that don't shower praise upon our POTUS. The recession is not over. In my mind it has only just started.

[Arugula Latte]

18. Most of the blame lies not with POTUS, but with Congress.

[Cali_Democrat]

19. GOPers in Congress are blocking everything

from minimum wage hikes to jobs bills that increase infrastructure spending.

Your anger is misdirected and that's what the Republicans want.

[JI7]

14. i don't think this is all bad , it's the norm for many cultures

it depends on the family itself and how well they get along. it just would not work for some.

but for those who are able to do it i think it could be preferable. they could be more free to quit a crappy job, start their own business , try a new job etc. they could use the money for things like vacations, going out at restaurants , shows etc.

[hfojvt]

38. I think it is pretty cool

I have always thought that our society should be more cooperative and less individualistic. Larger groups living together, to me, removes a lot of redundancy. For one thing, it removes the redundancy of multiple residences. Why would you want to pay $600 a month rent to some landlord when you can pay $300 a month to your parents? Or your kids? Or your sibling?

Of course, as siblings we now get along great because we don't live together. Although many of us have lived with our little sister (well she's my little sister, she'd be my brother's older sister, and she's housed for various periods - me, my brother, and my niece, maybe baby sister too, I am not sure.).

[Sen. Walter Sobchak]

17. The causation might be bad, but I don't think multi-generational households should be

I want my parents to move into my house, their house is all stairs and not close to anything and they're extremely elderly. They have refused to so far, but I suspect when they can't drive anymore or one of them passes away they will take me up on it. The previous owners of my house added a recital room and I had it turned into a private apartment with accessibly everything for them. My brother is already living in the house.

I did work for a 1% family in NYC that has four generations under one (admittedly large) roof, if they aren't ashamed of it...

Although I say this is someone who got along fine with my parents when I was fourteen, moved home after one horrifying semester in the dorms and remained there for a number of years after graduating. If I had an explosive relationship with my parents and left home in high school I might feel differently.

[dotymed]

25. It is extremely common

where I live in Tn.
I have noticed a huge increase in suicides of (mostly men) in their 50's. It made me wonder.
I remember hearing about so many suicides of wealthy (men) during the Depression. Supposedly because they had gone from wealthy to penniless overnight. I doubt that accurate records were kept, but I would imagine that there were more suicides in the previously working class. Their deaths were deemed less important, IMO.

[riderinthestorm]

26. My mom's house isn't big enough for me to move back home and live with her

5 bedrooms and honestly, that wouldn't be enough space for either of us to comfortably exist. It would be awful. She's a rabid, racist Rethug who watches Faux 24/7 and adores Rush and Hannity. She loves to "bait" me into political arguments and revels in her ignorance. Its maddening.

While I would welcome my children back home, my husband and I DID downsize 5 years ago and are very comfortable with our 2 bedroom place now. Its cozy for us but I can't imagine an adult child co-existing in this space anymore. Especially if they had kids... eek! It would be pretty crazy and I'm not so sure in a good way....

[spinbaby]

30. It all comes down to your relationship and your space

I think that if we had a larger house, we would welcome family, although not all the family--some are just nutjobs, but the majority on both sides are nice people I wouldn't mind living with. My husband and I have been talking about downsizing and discussed if we shouldn't be upsizing instead to make room for family--several are getting up in years and will probably need help eventually.

[Marshall III]

29. Rremember many of these situations are sparked by parents who need help.

Not necessarily adult children who need support. In the two years it took my folks to pass away, I lived with them for long stretches and it was more related to the cost of getting help to take care of the elderly.

It's like a distorted version of the parent who finds that it is cheaper not to work out of the home and take care of kids, than to pay for costly child care.

Many families find that someone has to move in with the parents when the parents can no longer live alone.

[Staph]

31. That's my situation.

I moved out of my apartment (moved away from my parents 25 years ago) and back in with Mom a year ago. She was 89 then, and just needed someone to help out -- do the heavy lifting, reaching to high and low places, that sort of thing.

In the last year, her back pain and other ailments have gotten worse. And I was diagnosed with cancer, undergoing surgery, chemo and radiation (no sign of cancer now, thanks for asking!). So Mom has been taking care of me as much as I have been taking care of her.

Yeah, it took a while for us to work out the new relationship -- so that we are equal adults, and not mother-and-dependent-daughter or caregiver-and-dependent-senior. And finding room for my 25 years of stuff is still an ongoing issue. (Why do I have to throw away my stuff, but Mom gets to keep hers?

I'm still working (part-time consulting) and we split the expenses, though not in an organized way. And it works.

[Marshall III]

33. My hat is off to you, I know how hard you are working.

Your mom is lucky to have you, and it seems you were lucky to have her right back.

I hope health to both of you.

[Patiod]

40. I was in your boat exactly

Worked freelance as a consultant and took care of my Dad, also after 25 years on my own.

Had to laugh at your comment about Stuff - we had to put everything we owned in the garage, and my Dad still complained about the few things we did bring into the house ("YOU'RE BREAKING UP THE HOUSE! WHY DO YOU NEED ALL THAT STUFF ANYWAY??! JUST THROW IT OUT" <- he was fairly deaf) And like you, it took a while to find our equilibrium. I think it was harder for my Dad to learn that sometimes I knew best (at least in term of medical/health issues)

But otherwise, it worked out pretty well. I had time to build my little business without pressure, and he got stellar round-the-clock care. He also taught my husband, who grew up in a rowhouse, how to take care of a suburban house, which has come in handy now that we live here.

The biggest downside is that I put on 25 pounds eating Old Guy Food (potatoes and gravy with every meal) that I'm still trying to get rid of.

Feel free to PM me if you need a sounding board.

[alarimer]

34. I'd rather swim with sharks that live with my family.

I can't imagine what kind of living hell that would be. No privacy. Never getting to do your own thing (TV, music, etc) NEVER, EVER having alone time. Every waking moment, someone else in your space. I know I'm talking about kind of minor things here.

For people touting this as a return to "the good old days" when everyone lived on top of each other- what made this good? People live in larger family groups because they can't afford to do anything else, but give them money or the means to live on their own and that's the first thing they do. That tells me a lot about how "wonderful" this system is.

As someone pointed out, with regard to Social Security, as soon as people could afford to live independently, they did. As soon as people got job and could support themselves, they did the same thing. There is a reason for that.

[Liberal_in_LA]

42. elderly mom in story makes middle aged move in daughter go to bed at 7pm

That is hell. I'd be up again at midnight.