War: A History According to the Tea Party (and Fox News)

[unhappycamper]

http://www.opednews.com/articles/War-A-History-According-t-by-Robert-S-Becker-Al-Qaeda_FICTION_History-Alternative_History-Cultural-140530-608.html



NOTE: This satire was coaxed from my novelist friend when he tossed off an email to me. I am only the messenger (who found the graphic) but I can confirm all the errors and blunders found within are intended by the speaker, clearly a well-read, meticulous Tea Party historian. RB

War: A History According to the Tea Party (and Fox News)
By Robert S. Becker
Life Arts 5/30/2014 at 14:35:20

First there was the Revolutionary War that was fought by the Founding Fathers in 1776 when they also wrote the Constitution and made sure that the State and Church were separated while keeping and baring arms was okay. They also wanted to end slavery and make sure that marriage was between a man and a woman, but not a black woman. Being good Christians, they also made sure that everybody with money had free speech and that corporations were people, even though there weren't any corporations in those olden days. That was okay, though, because they were all rich and famous and would go down in history. They started the Revolutionary War against the British because of the Act of Stamping and making the colonists drink tea in Boston. The whole thing started on the Lexington and Concord, which were battleships or aircraft carriers.

The war was soon over after Washington crossed the Delaware and hung out at Valley Forge and the British surrendered at Waterloo. Then he became the first president and built monuments in the city he had named after himself. Then there was the War of 1812, which was really fought in 1814, when the British burned down our capital and Francis Scott Key wrote the National Anthem while watching the Battle of New Orleans that was won by Andrew Jackson, Old Hickory, and John Paul Jones, our first admiral. We also won that war, which was started mostly because the British were impressed with our sailors.

After that came the Mexican War that was caused by Texas and California stealing themselves from Mexico and trying to give themselves to the U.S, which didn't really want them because of slaves and because they'd also have to take Utah where polygraphy was legal. We won that war, too, after we sailed to Mexico and fought in the Halls of Montezuma where the Marine Core was founded. We got New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado out of that deal, although nobody really wants to live in most of them except retired people who are afraid of Mexicans, and in Santa Fe. After that came the Civil War which Harriet Beecher Stowe started to make Robert E. Lee free all the slaves, something that Abraham Lincoln did, anyway, when he found out they didn't have to start a war to do it, but not until Grant burned Richmond and Sherman marched into the sea. There was also the Gettysburg Address. And a guy named John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln at the play in the Ford. This caused Reconstruction.

Then came the Indian Wars where George Armstrong Custer was killed trying to make the Indians make a reservation and stick with it. He was killed at the Little Bighorn, which is a sheep of some kind. After that, the Indians were almost all dead, except for those that were later killed at Wounded Knee, which is in South Dakota for some reason, and those in Oklahoma, where most of them near some bingo parlors that they later turned into gambling joints. After that, there was the Spanish American War, when the US got tired of Cuba being owned by the Spanish, who kept sinking Maine, so we sent Admiral Dewey to the Philippines to take them away from Spain, and we sent Teddy Roosevelt from Texas to Cuba, where the Rough Riders invented the Cuba Libre--that's really Spanish for rum and Coke--after a storm on San Juan Hill. After that, Teddy used a big stick and built the PanAmerican Canal to make a shorter distance between the Atlantic and the Pacific and then gave Yellowstone Park to the people.

[Springslips]

1. That version is a little smarter than the one spouted by...

Teabaggers I know. Some if them think Francis Scott Key wrote Star-Spangled Banner during the War of Independence.