When words have unintended consequences (even playful words)

[jaysunb]

My daily ritual includes a stop at the local convenience store to play lotto and get the evening beer supply. Over the years I've come to know by sight many of the people who come at the same time. Most people are friendly and talkative, exchanging light banter and laughs. There is one particular lady I'm going to guess is in her mid to late 50's that enjoys the same beer as me plus, her s/o is a Viet vet like me. We've had many light hearted exchanges over the years and speak when we see each other in the neighborhood.
Earlier this afternoon while driving into the parking lot of the grocery store I see this lady walking by my car and I laughingly go, " psst, hey little girl, you want a piece of candy." She turns toward me but seems too stunned to say anything, so I say "how are you today? " to which she mumbled something like, I'm okay. Her indifference was kind of shocking seeing how our past playfulness was always acceptable, but I sensed there was either something wrong with her personally or just having a bad day, so I just blew it off and continued on my way.

Well...sure enough there she was several hours later at the store for lotto and beer-- like everyday. Not knowing what was up from earlier, I simply said, hello again. She again acted different than she ever had and I was even more baffled, but when I came out to get in my car there she stood by the driver side door. She proceeded to apologize for her attitude and went on to tell me it was because when she was a young girl living in the Midwest a man had said that very same thing to her and she had accepted. Needless to say, he pulled her in his car and molested her. She said it was the first time in 50 years she'd heard those words and it had all come rushing back. I felt like shit.

I tried my best to apologize and she was very emotional in her attempt to explain that it wasn't me but the sudden rush of a suppressed memory that had caught her off guard. It ended in a hug, but I still feel like shit.

Words have consequences and I think I learned a valuable lesson today.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

1. DU Rec.

[madokie]

2. Thanks for reminding me to mind what I say

pay attention to the words I use as I go though my days.
I hope especially she and you for that matter can get past this

Makes me sad that this lady had to have gone through this as a child.

[AverageJoe90]

3. My heart sincerely goes out to this poor woman.

Nobody deserves to be treated like she was.

I'm glad you apologized to her and tried to understand what was going on. I would have done the same. Kudos to you.

[littlemissmartypants]

4. I was that little girl also.

Few people speak mindfully.

Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs. – Pearl Strachan

Love, Peace and Shelter.
~ littlemissmartypants

[Ms. Toad]

5. I was on the flip side of that conversation with a professor of mine a few years ago.

In my final year of law school, preparing for the inevitable job interviews I dropped 65 lbs. In that year, I was also in a class that required me to meet with prisoners in jail. On the first day I was scheduled to head to the prison, I kept frantically pawing through my closet trying to find something to wear. Then - out of the blue - it hit me that I was trying to find something to wear that would make me look fat; that the extra 15 - 70 pounds I carried for most of my adult life was there because it made me feel invisible to sexual predators, and thus safe (or at least safer). Twenty years earlier I had been raped in college, but never connected the two until that moment.

So - still pretty shaken - I headed off to school for the trip to the prison, and the professor in charge made some crack intended to break the tension we felt about what (for many) was the first time inside a prison. It was, unfortunately, a sexually charged crack that really hit home.

He knew he had said something that had a dramatic impact on me. I could see he recognized it -and didn't have a clue what he had said or how to fix it.

We got through the day - and after the prison visit, I stopped by and we had a long conversation about it.

Yes - words have consequences - and if you are used to flirtations which involve sex and power, or which mimic grooming for sexual abuse it is good to become more aware of your words and choose them more carefully.

But sometimes there are also things that are too overwhelming to process at the time of the assault, and our minds protect us from knowing them until we are ready - and someday someone says just the right (wrong) thing to tumble the protective wall that has been there - in some cases for decades. It is not always a bad thing. In my case, it was a hellish two weeks reliving everything I had lived through 20 years earlier. But the end result is that it was one of the last pieces of emotional healing I needed to do - and if it hadn't been the prison trip and that particular professor, it would have been something else. It was time.

[jaysunb]

6. +1 n/t

[AverageJoe90]

7. I'm glad you guys were able to talk it out with each other, and that you healed.

Virtual hugs from me, if you don't mind?

[freshwest]

10. This post resonates with me, as if I'd written it. Thanks for putting the words down.

[dickthegrouch]

8. Great song for you

When you speak you often use
Some racist word or sexist phrase
That makes me stop you in your tracks
To note the error of your ways
And I know you find it boring
But it seems to me the only way
To correct you, to object to
The hurtful things you say

From "Political not Polite" by Romanovsky and Phillips

http://romanovskyandphillips.com/politicallyrics.htm#bepolitical

[Laelth]

9. Well said. k&r n/t

-Laelth

[Liberal_in_LA]

11. k&r.. i'm glad u were able to talk it out