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Amazon review of bear spray:
Found this when shopping for bf's bear spray for his upcoming trip to Colorado:
Yeah buddy. This stuff is for real.
By PatriotEd on June 22, 2013
No opportunity to try it on a real bear - thankfully. But a friend of mine tried it on his brother-in-law during a camping trip. His brother-in-law was drinking and got obnoxious. He threatened to kick my friend's ass. My friend is an average size guy but his brother-in-law is huge and burly. He is as big as a bear and nearly as strong. This stuff worked on him big time. It put him out of commission so fast, from at least 15 - 20 feet away, that it scared the hell out of everyone. He was in real pain and could hardly breath. He was on the ground instantly and crying in agony from the pain. And that was from just one blast of this stuff. The concern was that it would kill him, but he recovered just fine, but it took a while. When he finally recovered he asked for the bear spray. My friend wisely refused to give it to him so he told my friend that someday he would kill him for doing that. Man did that ever sober him up. Whew!! He was major pissed off about it. He's calmed down some since then but he is still plenty pissed off about it. Now my friend's wife is divorcing him over the incident. I guess she would have preferred that her husband got his ass kicked instead. That is one hell of a way to find out that this stuff really works but hey, you do what you got to do. Anyway, after that I ordered some of this stuff for me and my wife. I have guns but I want this stuff as our first line of self-defense. If we ever run across a bear or other wild critter, hey, we'll be ready for that to. Just don't sneak up on your wife or piss her off when she has this stuff within arms reach. LOL
http://www.amazon.com/SABRE-FRONTIERSMAN-Attack-Deterrent-Holster/dp/B000H7N26A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1410020995&sr=8-2&keywords=bear+spray
By PatriotEd on June 22, 2013
No opportunity to try it on a real bear - thankfully. But a friend of mine tried it on his brother-in-law during a camping trip. His brother-in-law was drinking and got obnoxious. He threatened to kick my friend's ass. My friend is an average size guy but his brother-in-law is huge and burly. He is as big as a bear and nearly as strong. This stuff worked on him big time. It put him out of commission so fast, from at least 15 - 20 feet away, that it scared the hell out of everyone. He was in real pain and could hardly breath. He was on the ground instantly and crying in agony from the pain. And that was from just one blast of this stuff. The concern was that it would kill him, but he recovered just fine, but it took a while. When he finally recovered he asked for the bear spray. My friend wisely refused to give it to him so he told my friend that someday he would kill him for doing that. Man did that ever sober him up. Whew!! He was major pissed off about it. He's calmed down some since then but he is still plenty pissed off about it. Now my friend's wife is divorcing him over the incident. I guess she would have preferred that her husband got his ass kicked instead. That is one hell of a way to find out that this stuff really works but hey, you do what you got to do. Anyway, after that I ordered some of this stuff for me and my wife. I have guns but I want this stuff as our first line of self-defense. If we ever run across a bear or other wild critter, hey, we'll be ready for that to. Just don't sneak up on your wife or piss her off when she has this stuff within arms reach. LOL
http://www.amazon.com/SABRE-FRONTIERSMAN-Attack-Deterrent-Holster/dp/B000H7N26A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1410020995&sr=8-2&keywords=bear+spray
80 replies
= new reply since forum marked as read
= new reply since forum marked as read
It will probably result in some sales to people who have assholes as brother-in-laws. 
Someone that stupid deserves to be eaten by one.
Was shocked that the bears tore up the tent and crushed the spray can with their teeth. He had also left the food in there.
Have to wonder how guys like this survive in the wilderness.
I'll put it in a different container and tell him it's mosquito repellent.
But I am on a tight budget. 
Not many people can brag about surviving an encounter with a grizzly bear mama.
and destined to go down as an All Time DU Great.
I'm not sure how true this Amazon review is but it's probably my favorite.
It was for a book entitled "How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Doug Richmond"
"By Kris Ky
This review is from: How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found (Paperback)
I read it in one night. It was very imformative. I followed the instructions very carefully and hid myself. I was found the next day at 9AM by the feds. I am now serving twenty years in the pen. Thanks a lot Doug Richmond."
This review is from: How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found (Paperback)
I read it in one night. It was very imformative. I followed the instructions very carefully and hid myself. I was found the next day at 9AM by the feds. I am now serving twenty years in the pen. Thanks a lot Doug Richmond."
permalink: http://www.amazon.com/review/RDQU98X19PUVT/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0806515597
The best part was the end.
and our little brichon frise dog Gaston-Rene is long gone
Not successfully unfortunately.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
BUT this one takes the cake:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
BUT this one takes the cake:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
dying here...
undiscovered comedy writers out there!
written like a horror story:
...when I found myself in the sweets aisle. And that, to my great chagrin, is why I didn't immediately notice the difference between Haribo Normal Gummi Bears (which are designed for human enjoyment) and Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears (which are designed for use in maximum security prisons as a way to punish uncooperative inmates).
I shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHAN'T without SHAT.)
Prior to Andrea's arrival, I sat in my living room, creating a playlist of make-out music and nervously binging on the Gummi Bears I had placed in a decorative bowl because I am fancy.
The doorbell rang, and within minutes we were standing in the kitchen, drinking beers and both of us probably worrying that we were about to exhaust my ability to communicate in her native tongue. But soon that would be the least of my worries. In the middle of trying to ask Andrea if she likes to dance to young people's music, I felt a flutter in my midsection, accompanied by a guttural pronouncement so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice.
Maybe it was because I was mentally refreshing my language lessons, but it suddenly struck me how much pre-diarrheal grumblings sound like German words.
"ENTSCHULDIGUNG!" was the next thing uttered by my rapidly clenching stomach. Appropriately, Andrea looked up in response.
"Sind Sie Kaffee machen?" she asked.
***
I reached for the plunger, but my hand froze and my heart seized when I saw it on the floor, broken in two and covered in what looked like teeth marks. Apparently I had used the wooden handle to keep from biting my tongue off and had chewed clean through it. When did that happen? It seems my mind had already started the process of repressing this entire event.
***
My first few steps back toward the living room were tentative. And not just because my sphincter felt raw and tattered. It was a slow approach to the Moment of Truth, especially when I saw her figure still planted on my sofa. I knew any look on Andrea's face other than her mouth agape would constitute a miraculous victory. And when she smiled at me, the wash of relief that engulfed me was more glorious than any throes of ecstasy I might have wished for at the beginning of the night.
And then I saw it.
The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down to just the last few sugarless Gummi bears.
"Du hast Haribo!" she said to me. Accompanied by a satisfied smile. A big, beaming Hansel and Gretel smile, that slightly turned down in one corner at the sound we both suddenly heard. A low rumble from deep within her GI tract that sounded like Gefahrrrrr.
The German word for Danger.
Her eyes shot past mine and refocused on the bathroom door just down the hall behind me.
I shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHAN'T without SHAT.)
Prior to Andrea's arrival, I sat in my living room, creating a playlist of make-out music and nervously binging on the Gummi Bears I had placed in a decorative bowl because I am fancy.
The doorbell rang, and within minutes we were standing in the kitchen, drinking beers and both of us probably worrying that we were about to exhaust my ability to communicate in her native tongue. But soon that would be the least of my worries. In the middle of trying to ask Andrea if she likes to dance to young people's music, I felt a flutter in my midsection, accompanied by a guttural pronouncement so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice.
Maybe it was because I was mentally refreshing my language lessons, but it suddenly struck me how much pre-diarrheal grumblings sound like German words.
"ENTSCHULDIGUNG!" was the next thing uttered by my rapidly clenching stomach. Appropriately, Andrea looked up in response.
"Sind Sie Kaffee machen?" she asked.
***
I reached for the plunger, but my hand froze and my heart seized when I saw it on the floor, broken in two and covered in what looked like teeth marks. Apparently I had used the wooden handle to keep from biting my tongue off and had chewed clean through it. When did that happen? It seems my mind had already started the process of repressing this entire event.
***
My first few steps back toward the living room were tentative. And not just because my sphincter felt raw and tattered. It was a slow approach to the Moment of Truth, especially when I saw her figure still planted on my sofa. I knew any look on Andrea's face other than her mouth agape would constitute a miraculous victory. And when she smiled at me, the wash of relief that engulfed me was more glorious than any throes of ecstasy I might have wished for at the beginning of the night.
And then I saw it.
The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down to just the last few sugarless Gummi bears.
"Du hast Haribo!" she said to me. Accompanied by a satisfied smile. A big, beaming Hansel and Gretel smile, that slightly turned down in one corner at the sound we both suddenly heard. A low rumble from deep within her GI tract that sounded like Gefahrrrrr.
The German word for Danger.
Her eyes shot past mine and refocused on the bathroom door just down the hall behind me.
I can't stand it, seriously laughing my ass off (thank dog I didn't eat any Gummi Bears).
I'm saving the rest for future use when I'm in a serious funk, I am forever in your debt.
worth while
I'm happy I made others giggle today, you guys returned it a thousand fold.
And yours, lol!
I've never eaten gummy anythings because they contain gelatin but I'll be sure to warn others.
Well that or keep it a secret and serve them to special guests this holiday season. 
