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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsWhy do women stay with their abusers?
It's easy to attempt to place some blame on the victim of abuse. "Well, she married him afterwards."
Often, they come from abusive families. Maybe her family fought physically over every disagreement. We don't know why the fiancé married her abuser, Mr. Rice. Maybe she was afraid to leave him. Maybe she thought she deserved his abuse. On any account, she is still a victim because he is bigger, stronger, more powerful than she is and he hits her.
You can ask Google, "why do women stay with their abusers?" and get many sites. Here's one with some reasons to a complicated question:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/why-women-stay-with-controlling-men/0002648
I've worked at a women's (and family) shelter. These women are afraid and hurt, and leaving is usually the first step to making a better life for themselves. It takes a lot of courage. Sometimes they go back and everything works out after lots of counseling. Sometimes they go back and get killed. Sometimes they leave their abuser and still get killed.
One of the most dangerous things a victim can do is leave her abuser. The more dangerous thing they do is stay with their abuser. Let's try not to dismiss the violence heaped on victims just because they couldn't or didn't run at the first sign of it.
mythology
(9,527 posts)Thanks for sharing it.
moriah
(8,311 posts)I dated a guy who started to edge toward controlling me. When I wouldn't give in to his demands to not see my friends, and he got snotty and tried to manipulate me to make me give in, I broke it off. I've told that story to most of the guys I've considered dating. And I've had two or three that never spoke to me again after hearing it -- counted myself lucky.
They often look for women with extremely poor self esteem, who honestly don't think they can do any better. Or who are already in a bad situation, and pretend to be the White Knight and "rescue" them, only to take advantage of that vulnerability.
None of those things are a woman's fault -- but just what the abuser knows will make for an easy target.
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)what to look for. If only all women were so fortunate as to love themselves enough to see it and not to put up with it.
moriah
(8,311 posts)But I still let him isolate me out in a small town with no transportation, prior to the attempts to refuse to allow me to see older female friends who were like the aunts I never had, simply because they didn't like him. When I put my foot down and said I *was* going whether he liked it or not, he said "Okay, well I'll be at the titty bar." It was the perfect opportunity, and what rolled off my tongue was "Great, have fun, because you aren't seeing these titties again."
He still believes, I think, that I left him for him saying he'd go to a strip club. No, it was that he was trying to make me jealous as a way to manipulate me.
Even when you think you're sure it could never happen to you, it can. I'm just very lucky to have had an older sister who, despite her own (unjustified, irrational, but often felt) shame at having gotten involved with an abuser, took the time to tell me how it started, long before the first punch.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)In fact, it is frequently lethal. Sometimes staying with an abuser is the path of least resistance for some of these women. It takes a great amount of courage to actually make the decision to leave and follow through with it. Especially if you have children.
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)Don't have a profile on this woman that would explain why she is at risk for partnering with an abuser, and how she can be helped.
Everyone around them dropped the ball.
When I worked at the shelter, holidays and the times women returned were the scariest times.
sufrommich
(22,871 posts)OldHippieChick
(2,434 posts)I, too, have worked w/ victims and it is difficult to see them come close to leaving and then get cold feet. Their self-esteem is so worn down they truly believe they deserve what they are getting. It takes enormous courage because many know they may end up dead. We can only hope the Ray Rice situation brings more of this to light.
nomorenomore08
(13,324 posts)But feelings of fear and helplessness - often not unjustified - are probably the most common.
Triana
(22,666 posts)Heres the thing about abusers: theyre two-faced. Thats right Jekyll and Hyde. In pubic, in the neighborhood, the church, around their friends, with virtually EVERYONE besides the person theyre abusing, theyre fantastically nice, kind, decent people. But when theyre all alone with their target theyre absolute monsters.
So what would happen if the victim of this monster goes out and tells everyone how nasty the abuser is?
Ill tell you what: NOBODY BELIEVES IT.
NOBODY.
Oh (s)hed NEVER do that! is the type of sentiment the victim is met with if (s)he mentions the abuse to anyone. Because Mr/Ms Abuser is such a nice person. To everyone else.
Meanwhile Mr./Ms NicePerson goes around telling everybody what a b*tch the victim is. How mean and nasty and unreasonable and abusive the victim is, while the abuser is just a perfectly sweet, reasonable, sane person trying to live his / her life in peace when that crazy damn victim just goes off on the abuser for no good reason whatsoever.
Right.
And everybody believes it. Everyone believes that the one actually being abused is the crazy one. That the victim of the abuse is the one whos nuts. Selfish. Unreasonable. Mad! Got PMS. Whatever.
See how that works? And believe me, it WORKS! Thats why abusers use this tactic. It serves well to discredit (right out the gate) and marginalize the victim while keeping the abuser looking oh-so-innocent in the eyes of the rest of the World.
Abusers have two faces: one for the rest of the World; and one for the target of their abuse. Jekyll and Hyde. Its a handy-dandy bit of marketing and image-making that most if not all abusers employ consciously or not. Talk about catapulting the propaganda. Theyve got the market cornered on that. Its probably where the politicians learned it.
A couple of websites, the first one in particular, help explain this and the second contains a tabbed page full of DV resources as well as various articles on the subject:
Here: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com
and
Here: http://www.escapeabuse.com
Abusers often will sweep a target off her/his feet in the beginning. In fact this is often considered whats called a red flag that this may not be a person you want to be involved with! Its the same way (s)he snows everyone else into thinking (s)hes such a nice person too.
Once the victim is emotionally hooked, the abuse starts. First, its just an particularly cutting taunt or unkind word here or there. Maybe the abuser makes the target the butt of a particularly mean joke. Then, a slap here or there. Then, maybe a toss on the floor. Then, a few broken dishes or some stuff thrown around. Then, the victim is locked up in the bedroom or out of the house during one of the abusers increasingly frequent fits of rage. Then, kicking the dog or cat. Then, humiliating or insulting the victim in public settings. The victim is cut off from his/her family and friends because the abuser wants complete control and is insanely jealous of any interaction the victim has with anyone else (the victim might mistake this for caring or be flattered by some of it). And through it all the victim is constantly reminded its all his/her fault the abuse happens. It gradually escalates into full scale physical battering along with the verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. And this escalation can happen over weeks, months, or years. There is a clear " target="_blank">"pattern of behavior which emerges over time.
Meanwhile, Mr./Ms. abuser is still consistently charmingly nice to everyone else. And virtually NO ONE believes the abuser could possibly be so nasty in private. If the victim tells anyone about it, theyll blow it off and consider the abuse victim the crazy one.
One of the best books Ive ever read on the subject explains what verbal abuse is and how to recognize it. Verbal abuse is part of what often can escalate into other types of abuse (physical), so recognizing it first can be key to putting a stop to things before they really get out of hand. Even if verbal abuse doesnt escalate to the physical, many people who have been victims of chronic verbal and emotional abuse in relationships insist that it is as bad or worse than physical abuse, causing emotional damage that unlike physical bruises, is much more difficult to recover from.
Some other things to be aware of:
When an abused person leaves the abuser that is the most dangerous time. Usually when their target leaves, the abuser seeks to regain CONTROL of the person (s)hes abusing sometimes by any means. If flattery, gifts, money, promises of change and romance wont work, coercion, threats and violence, kidnapping, or interfering with other parts of the victims life (job, children, other family members or pets etc.) will. Often when a victim of abuse leaves her/his abuser, (s)he is risking his/her LIFE and potentially the lives of others.
Its dangerous. Never mind any social or economic issues that may come into play as well.
Its just not that easy. And if there is property, money or professional connections or a job which also must be protected, theres that.
Why dont they just LEAVE? Who dont they just tell someone/everyone?
These are some reasons they dont. Please try to fully understand before judging an abuse victim.
For Gods sake if someone tells you theyre being abused and/or you can see it, believe its happening. Please try to understand why they dont just leave. If they do leave and then return to their abuser, dont judge them. They may leave and go back multiple times before they can finally manage to get safely away and stay away.
It may take time for them to even realize that they NEED to get away! They have to get to the point where they can see through whats called the fog of abuse. There are reasons for this. Its just not that easy to let go of someone you love or of the dreams you had with them.
The problem with abuse is that the someone the victim initially fell in love with really doesnt even exist! The Jekyll/Hyde syndrome in most abuse situations subjects the victim to a particularly mind and heart wrenching bait-and-switch. It takes time for an abuse victim to come to the realization that the love of their life is REALLY that monster who abuses them in private not the nice person everyone else sees in public and who they fell in love with at first. Who wants to believe that?
Nobody does. It takes time for a victim of abuse to let go of that dream and see the reality. Most of the time, they understandably fight it.
If youve seen it or seen evidence of it, you can tell others. You can help expose the abuser both to the World and to their victim if need be (try to help clear the fog). Just be careful not to make yourself a target of the abusers wrath. Abusive people are very possessive of their property and very keen to keep up the carefully constructed pretense of their own innocence.
Victims often cant (or wont) expose an abuser for reasons Ive explained: 1) It usually does little good (because no one would believe them anyway); 2) And theyre often in denial about it. Just like an addict or alcoholic can be in denial about their problem, so can someone who is similarly addicted to another person be in denial about how much damage it is doing to their life. Sometimes, they have to hit some sort of bottom or the abuse has to escalate to shocking extremes before they can come to some sort of realization; gain clarity about where they are (and who theyre really with) before they can begin planning a move forward out of the situation.
And just like an addict, theyll often get angry at someone who tries to intervene and theyll push that person away. I can handle it, theyll tell you. Or, " target="_blank">" s)he promised (s)hed change! But you never give up on an addict if you care for them. Your heart breaks seeing them broken and destroyed and their life crumbling around them and their " target="_blank">spirit dimmed while they try to pretend everythings fine. You help if you can. You keep trying if you can delicately balancing how much interference is tolerable before the victim/addict pushes you away. Its a titchy situation.
Most people though (friends, family, neighbors, co-workers), just dont want to get involved. But unfortunately getting involved is one of the only really effective ways to expose this stuff. One of the reasons its so damned insidious is because its so damned invisible. It shouldnt be.
If you want to help someone in this situation, stay safe above all. And have patience. The abused persons life is a mess. And they may not even know it or be able to face it. Helping them try to regain control of their own life is a long, complicated process. If they push you away, I think its more than likely theyll welcome you back when theyve achieved clarity and are ready to reclaim themselves. Sometimes all you can do is let them know youre there if they need you. And sometimes, thats enough.
So there you go.
© 2014 Seven Bowie
http://www.sevenbowie.com/2014/08/about-domestic-abuse/
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)Reply. Your points are thorough and clear. It's amazing that the public has to be re-educated on this every few years.
Yes, abusers during their period of contrition are the most charismatic people around. And that's how they suck their victims back in ... with the roses and promises and gentle behaviors. And then they get tired of wearing that mask and start picking at their victims again until they explode with rage, and the cycle of abuse starts all over.
I think I wanted others to think about how a victim gets trapped in this cycle. And where they came from to give them the feelings that this violence against them was somehow justified. There has been much victim-blaming on DU.
Triana
(22,666 posts)...that the victim of it must be stupid. Or that they "made bad choices". But the reality is that all it takes to be a victim of abuse is to be a loving, giving, forgiving, trusting person. Abusers pick up on that. It's how they consciously or unconsciously pick their targets. It's not about brains or intellect. It's about psychology and emotional needs. When different sets of them fit together in unhealthy ways, you get abuse.
Corporate CEOs, presidents, paupers, min-wage workers, street sweepers, teachers, PhD's - virtually anyone - can become a victim of abuse. It is not limited to class, or level of intelligence or education, or anything else.
LittleGirl
(8,280 posts)that was brilliant. You put into words, what I lived before. Long before. I've survived. barely. Thank you for that.
theHandpuppet
(19,964 posts)Much appreciated.
TheDebbieDee
(11,119 posts)He had knuckle-headed do-gooders running interference to protect him from ME!
Triana
(22,666 posts)....had the entire neighborhood turned against me (we both lived in the same 'hood). Had everyone convinced I was the problem - the "crazy" one. Thing is, he went through several women in a decade or two - I'm sure at least some of them surmised that he was the issue, not the women he serially abused.
IronLionZion
(45,380 posts)That's exactly true. I'm still sure no one would believe me, I have a hard time believing it myself. And she was even a DUer and an activist. I avoided this site for about 5 years to avoid her and people who might think like her.
Triana
(22,666 posts)And that you're back!
secondwind
(16,903 posts)savings, there may be just one car and the abuser has the key, there may be young children and the victim doesn't work, or just plain fear and love -- yes, they love their abuser in some ways.
The best way to leave an abuser is to PLAN AHEAD. Start stashing away money, your passport and other important documents, etc.
jeff47
(26,549 posts)Why do they stay? As many reasons as there are women who stay.
Android3.14
(5,402 posts)Eventually it comes down to the victim refusing the label.
appleannie1
(5,062 posts)beat their mother and equated beating with love. They had been convinced over time that they were useless and could not possibly survive without him. Or variations of the two were the prime reasons. Fear can be a totally debilitating thing. I sucks the ability to fight back right out of you.
leftstreet
(36,101 posts)Every fucking time something like this happens, the woman takes a second 'beating' in the media. Why do these women stay? Why do women choose these abusers? Waaah! Why?
But no one EVER asks why the abusers are abusing in the first place
Why do these men hit women? Why do they choose to abuse?
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)about why she chose to stay and marry him was sickening. It was an excuse not to give a shit about another victim.
My OP was intended to bring awareness about why woman have to stay so often. I wish I knew why there are so many freaking hitters.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Yes! Why do they abuse? That is the real question!
TheVisitor
(173 posts)Indeed.. So right about people focusing on the wrong aspect of this...
The real question is, why drives a person to become abusive... because they are essentially the one's who need the most help. They are the weakest one's in the entire scenario.
Triana
(22,666 posts)And the abuser who makes that CHOICE is alone responsible for it and the consequences of it.
Of two separate situations where one woman tried to leave by divorce was killed in the process. The second instance the man was charged with abuse, he went home and killed the wife and another family member.
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)Less than a week later.
There were times when we as volunteers, along with paid employees, were on alert about men who had discovered the location of the shelter. We had to be extra careful that we weren't being followed.
CBHagman
(16,982 posts)...I made a note of how often I read news reports of an ex-husband or boyfriend killing a woman, and possibly another member of her family/a friend. It was shocking to realize that at least several times a month there were indeed such cases coming up in the paper. And those were just the ones I caught.
Right about here, too, I also want to recommend that anyone -- male, female -- read Gavin De Becker's The Fear Factor, which discusses, among other things, how to spot signs of a manipulative and potentially dangerous person.
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)Women to listen to their "sixth sense" about danger. He explains that it is Mother Nature's gift to counter-balance men's strength and potential brutality.
CBHagman
(16,982 posts)Two of the most harrowing sections of the book deal with a survivor's account of an attack and how the attacker manipulated her into trusting him.
The other is the story of the encounter between a young woman and a fellow passenger on an airline flight -- again, a case of manipulation.
But those are issues with strangers, and manipulation is also a given with people in relationships with abusers. It's worth also reading up on boundaries (Anne Katherine's Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin is a good resource), on codependent behavior, in those cases.
Gormy Cuss
(30,884 posts)Sometimes there just aren't beds available in a family shelter. Sometimes there just aren't the resources to pick and leave town with no forwarding address to escape the abuse. Sometimes, even these days, you encounter roadblocks in the justice system that leave you open for further victimization.
There are many reasons why they stay. People who judge them on it really haven't got a clue.
Ilsa
(61,690 posts)We don't know all of the reasons why she chose to marry him after he rendered her unconscious. All we know is that she is a victim and should be helped, not have the violence against her excused.
Gormy Cuss
(30,884 posts)eom
theHandpuppet
(19,964 posts)I don't know whether I'm more disappointed or pissed off.
951-Riverside
(7,234 posts)They don't give a shit about this young woman, all they care about is "the team" and they will make up any excuse in the book to justify his actions to protect "the team".
We saw the same thing with Michael Vick and "Joe Pa" the sick football coach who turned a blind eye to Sandusky molesting those kids.
I cannot call the drooling, knuckle dragging, jersey wearing neanderthals who continue to turn a blind eye to this, "people".
They are the lowest of the low.
All of them
niyad
(113,074 posts)Brigid
(17,621 posts)Why do men abuse women? I think that puts the onus back where it belongs.
are absolutely correct.
Quayblue
(1,045 posts)I know a couple of women who walked away, actually ran, hundreds of miles to escape abusers. It's dangerous and it takes a lot of courage. I have a niece who just recently left a boyfriend who blacked her eye. It took her a few years but she left with her kids, her health, and a new focus.
Also I must say, us family stood by her, as we knew that would give her the strength to escape.
Kaleva
(36,258 posts)Trying to help her out but it's very frustrating.
She grew up in a home where the father and mother drank alot, used drugs and often engaged in verbal and physical fighting with each other.
In a recent incident with her boyfriend, she regrets that the police got involved and that he was arrested.
She worked hard borrowing money from whoever she could to bail him out.
They are now staying together despite a court ordered no-contact order.
I've called the local woman's shelter, prior to the boyfriend being bailed out, and the woman I talked to said they'd take her in and provide a place for her to stay. They'd also help her find a home or apartment to rent, to look for work and would provide transportation to doctor's appointments and counseling but she won't consider the idea as she'd be too stressed out being away from the boyfriend.
Tansy_Gold
(17,847 posts)Is, "What makes a woman leave her abuser?"
At what point does she make that decision. What pushes her over the line. What can be done her help her move that line back before it's too late. Does she need more money? Does she need a guarantee of a place to stay? A place that will take kids and dogs and cats and all the things a woman has used to give her life meaning when her abuser is taking it away?
Does she need better security that if she leaves, he won't come after her and make good on his threats?
it's one thing to understand how a cycle of abuse starts. It's another entirely to figure out how it ends.
cwydro
(51,308 posts)I don't know.
WillowTree
(5,325 posts)In fact, that's how they get a woman hooked. They start out being so charming, SO loving. They can keep that façade up until the woman is sufficiently invested in the relationship that, when he cries and says he's sooooooo sorry and how it'll never happen again, she needs to believe it. So she lets herself believe and he's charming again.......for awhile. But it plays out over and over until not only is she heavily invested (and, perhaps has a couple of his kids), but her self esteem is so worn down that she doesn't have enough of herself left to walk away.
It becomes a cycle that she can't stop until one day, if she's lucky, she either manages to get pissed off enough to chance leaving or a switch gets flipped and she realizes that she's worthy of a better life. Or until he kills her.
I know.
I had a hard time leaving because I didn't want anyone to know that I had gotten myself into such a sordid situation.
SunSeeker
(51,513 posts)I know my mom put up with my abusive dad because she didn't want to leave me and my brother destitute. She finally left him when he started beating the crap out of us. And yes, we ended up destitute. On welfare. No healthcare. She couldn't afford to even take us to a dentist. She suffered more than we did, with health issues and was skin and bones. But at least there was no more abuse.
IronLionZion
(45,380 posts)is something that I heard many times in many different variations. And then one day I finally did leave her for cheating on me yet again. And she still came banging on my door at 2AM drunk, and bad things did happen. She actually made good on her threats. I had to learn the hard way.
It makes me so mad when people ask me "Duh why didn't you just leave her sooner you DUmbass?". What can you say to such people? That I expected better from a Harvard graduate? I should have known in advance that she was psychotic and manipulative?
Some people...
Rex
(65,616 posts)Wearing someone down, breaking their spirit. Some men are good at it, because they are natural born sociopaths.
ScreamingMeemie
(68,918 posts)snip-
Melannie Lyons sister, Katie Stay, was the one who convinced her to leave Cache County, Utah, where she was living with Haskell and their four children, and move to Spring, Texas, relatives told NBC News. Around that time, Lyon had filed a protective order against Haskell and was planning to file for divorce after more than a decade of marriage.
-snip
bettyellen
(47,209 posts)that behavior is totally normal and familiar to her. Lots of super rmacho behavior that I think is gross and stupid she thinks is cute and funny. She was surprised I didn't like her creepy uncle, who was htting on me about 6 feet away from his wife. I was like "who does that". I discovered the answer was- most of the men she grew up around do that.
And the fuckers put a lot of effort into the "make up" part of it, they can be incredibly attentive and charming and lie through their teeth shamelessly. I think that the see saw drama of it all gets addictive to both parties, the intense emotions.
She often knows she is being manipulated, but acts powerless in his presence.
beam me up scottie
(57,349 posts)She was a neighbor, we didn't know her well because she wasn't allowed out of the house often.
It was late when my mom came into my room and quietly woke me up (my dad worked nights), she told me not to wake my brothers and come downstairs quickly. The woman was in our living room, bloody and crying. My mom told me to lock the door after she left and not answer it for anyone but her. She came back a few minutes later, took the woman into our pantry and told me to never tell anyone what happened.
When I came down to breakfast I heard my dad asking her why she would risk our safety to help a stranger; my mom said she didn't have a choice and that was the last I heard of it until much later.
I admired my mom for many reasons but this was different, a lesson she taught me at great personal risk.
DebJ
(7,699 posts)That leaves the abused with no one to rely on for help.
Manifestor_of_Light
(21,046 posts)They are not told that they don't have to put up with abuse, and they are not told to get away from negative controlling men.
I had someone tell me when I was married that if a man didn't have a drinking or a gambling problem, and didn't run around with women on the side, then the marriage must be ok. Well, it is more than that. He gave me no emotional support or affection and couldn't understand why I separated and filed a divorce. He put a deposit on an apartment a couple months before we separated, and at his deposition, he couldn't explain why that check was written and cashed and he signed it. It appeared by magic. Lying son of a bitch.
He wanted to push me until I filed for divorce and looked like the bad guy. He thought marriage was living in a boarding house and sleeping with the landlady once in a while. He's a closet homosexual in my opinion.