Wow!...‘You Can Either Have Your Friends And Your Family, Or You Can Have Me’

[mfcorey1]

his story involves extreme violence and may be distressing for some readers. It has been edited for length and clarity.

You need to choose: them or me. That’s the ultimatum my abuser gave me. You can either have your friends and your family, or you can have me. I was young and in love and I chose him. And said goodbye to the next two years of my life.

I was 21 when we met, and living with my mother and my two brothers. I had tons of friends, a decent job and I took classes at night. Soon after I started dating him, my family told me they disapproved. They saw something in him that I couldn’t see. But I had this Bonnie-and-Clyde type of attitude. You guys just don’t like him because I love him, I thought. Get over it.

The first time he slapped me, I said: This is not going to be me. My mother had been a victim of domestic abuse, and I grew up in Trinidad watching her being beaten by my dad. This is not my future, I swore.

He came back with apologies and purple roses — my favorite color. I accepted the apology. I thought it meant he wasn’t going to do it again. I was wrong. Over the next month, he became more violent, punching and slapping me in private. I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse. I didn’t want them to know they were right.

One day, he got in an altercation with my brother and the cops were called. This is the moment he asked me to choose between my family or him. I felt like he loved me and he was the only person who was on my side. Everyone else was against us. So I picked him. I moved out of my family’s home and became temporarily homeless.

We lived in a motel for a week, and when the money ran out, we lived in his car. He warned me not to call my family. He said if I reached out, they would come get me and we would be separated. He said if I contacted them, it would be the end of our relationship. On top of that, I was ashamed to call my family. I felt I would be judged. Everyone warned me [about him] and I didn’t listen.

For about a month, I was homeless. He would take me to different apartments to wash up so I could go to work. I was masking all of this like it was normal. Finally I was able to save up enough money to rent a studio apartment. He would stay most days and nights there.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave-isolation_n_5806280.html

[brewens]

1. I have a friend that acted much like that. She knew that everyone thought she was making a big

mistake. She had dated this guys brother and been around him quite a bit. Alcoholism and abusive behavior runs in the family. I think she thought that she was tough enough and smart enough to deal with it and keep him from messing around on her.

A big part of it was probably not wanting to have every one know they were right all along. She couldn't beat that one anyway, he ended up with her best friend. At the Eagles Lodge she worked at for years, where most of her friends hung out. She now seems to have come out of it all okay though. She did well in the divorce and now has a guy that seems pretty great.

[Uben]

2. Abusers (cowards) always want isolation

They don't want anyone to know just how much of a cowardly, worthless human being they are. If a man hits a woman, for any reason, he is a coward and a piece of shit...no exceptions. Any man hits one of my girls, he is not going to survive to do it again. There will be no mercy, and it will be bloody.

[KittyWampus]

3. It's tough but families need to try their darnedest to be supportive, non-judgemental

and let the woman (or guy) know that they'll be there with arms open if need be.

After college, I lived in a commune and a young woman lived with this creep. Her parents came to visit and asked me a few questions….. my advice was to do their best to keep communicating and be ready when she finally got sick of his crap.

[riderinthestorm]

4. +1000. It's really hard to get the abused person to listen though

Often they tune the friends and family out after they express their disapproval and don't hear the part saying the door is always open to come back....

[bettyellen]

5. I am going through this with a friend. She is "more hurt" others found out and is humiliated more

than she is concerned about herself or angry at him. The public humiliation is her first concern. I just realized this.

I think because I agreed with her that he is an abusive ass that she is basically hiding the fact that she still sees him. I do not know how to handle it, except to say the door is always open.

[riderinthestorm]

6. Its a horrid, no win balancing act.

I am so so very sorry for your friend and you.

Keep the door open and good luck.

[bettyellen]

7. I am trying, but I'm starting to think she has NO instinct for self preservation and it is killing

me. Her family is bad news, this stuff is pretty normalized with them, as is other drama, endless drama. I came from a drama family, but it was mostly mental illness + bad fucking luck drama. I avoid that shit like the plauge.

I am having a hard time because on some level she seems addicted to the see saw emotions. I think she regrets being honest with me because I hate him now, and she cannot let go. And it appears she is basically hiding from me, either with him or drinking at home alone. I am trying to keep the door open, but she isn't making it easy these days. She sems to be isolating herself from all but her family, who are probably fine ignoring her misery. Sucks.

Thanks for the good thoughts.