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Mississippi police want to arrest the Satanists who turn dead people gay
Again, not The Onion. 
http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/mississippi-police-want-to-arrest-the-satanists-who-turn-dead-people-gay
Just over a week ago the Satanic Temple, unwavering disciples of the Prince of Darkness and aspiring adopt-a-highway participants, performed a Pink Mass over the grave of Catherine Idalette Johnston, the mother of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Jr. Westboro has yet to officially comment on the eternal gaying of its leader’s dead mum, but the owner of the cemetery where the ceremony was performed has filed charges with the local police department. The captain of the Meridian PD, Dean Harper, told local news station WTOK-TV on Monday that they were “in the process of constructing affidavits” and “will have [the satanists] arrested as soon as (they) can.” He added, "It is an unusual crime that we haven't come across – to my knowledge – in a while." LOL.
Harper told the Huffington Post today that the original charges of tresspasing (sic), malicious mischief and indecent exposure (thanks to Lucien tea-bagging Catherine Johnston's grave, which can be seen here) have been dropped because "the judge refused to sign a warrant on them." In the end, Lucien has been charged with desecration of a grave....
When I asked Lucien, via email, what he made of all this, he told me "We caused no material damage to anything, and the cemetery was left exactly as it was when we entered it. I’m not sure which part of this is most problematic for the sheriff – the displays of homosexuality, or the Satanism. I do know that the combination of the two is bound to cause absolute havoc among the superstitious homophobic."
On the off chance New York extradites Lucien to Mississippi, I asked him if there were any spells he could cast on the officers to turn them gay like the spirit of Fred Phelp’s (sic) mom. “I predict that if I were to be arrested and extradited to Mississippi,” he wrote, “my very presence would raise unholy psychological Hell among the sheriff and his colleagues. Just as medieval demon panics gave rise to episodes in which repressed people took the opportunity to act out in mindless abandon – exonerated from their own deeds by the idea of 'possession' – I believe it quite possible that I could find myself in a holding cell witnessing the Meridian Police devolve into a sweaty, grunting, savage orgy of uncaged homosexuality... all influenced by the idea that they were utterly powerless against my sexual conversion magic. Perhaps they are merely looking for such a scapegoat.”
Harper told the Huffington Post today that the original charges of tresspasing (sic), malicious mischief and indecent exposure (thanks to Lucien tea-bagging Catherine Johnston's grave, which can be seen here) have been dropped because "the judge refused to sign a warrant on them." In the end, Lucien has been charged with desecration of a grave....
When I asked Lucien, via email, what he made of all this, he told me "We caused no material damage to anything, and the cemetery was left exactly as it was when we entered it. I’m not sure which part of this is most problematic for the sheriff – the displays of homosexuality, or the Satanism. I do know that the combination of the two is bound to cause absolute havoc among the superstitious homophobic."
On the off chance New York extradites Lucien to Mississippi, I asked him if there were any spells he could cast on the officers to turn them gay like the spirit of Fred Phelp’s (sic) mom. “I predict that if I were to be arrested and extradited to Mississippi,” he wrote, “my very presence would raise unholy psychological Hell among the sheriff and his colleagues. Just as medieval demon panics gave rise to episodes in which repressed people took the opportunity to act out in mindless abandon – exonerated from their own deeds by the idea of 'possession' – I believe it quite possible that I could find myself in a holding cell witnessing the Meridian Police devolve into a sweaty, grunting, savage orgy of uncaged homosexuality... all influenced by the idea that they were utterly powerless against my sexual conversion magic. Perhaps they are merely looking for such a scapegoat.”
For the last time, quit posting your headlines in ALL CAPS! I am sick unto death of having to retype them!!
9 replies
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This sounds like something Michael "Mr. Mike" O'Donoghue would write. If he weren't dead, that is. Maybe it's Tony Hendra's work?
Holy crap. 
Poe's law really gets a workout these days.
ETA: NOTHING is going to beat that post title for Headline of The Week. Maybe even the year.
Lucien sounds like an entertaining fellow.
for the Mormons.
under Hobby Lobotomy. 
