More Cities Using Text-Based Alert System To Warn Americans If They Are In Range Of NFL Players

[KamaAina]

Yes, this time it is The Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/more-cities-using-textbased-alert-system-to-warn-a,36946/

In an effort to provide the general public with critical safety information in a timely manner, sources confirmed Wednesday that an increasing number of U.S. cities are now using a text-based alert system to warn Americans who are in the vicinity of an NFL player. “With this new protocol, residents will be advised via text message to take shelter, stay off roads, and exercise extreme caution if they are within close range of any professional football player,” said Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, who praised the new SMS service for delivering prompt alerts to all cellular devices in a 10-mile radius of any linebacker, running back, wide receiver, or offensive lineman. “Citizens in at-risk areas will now hopefully have ample time to take any precautionary measures for their safety and the safety of their families. These situations can arise unexpectedly and often escalate very quickly, so it is paramount to have this type of system in place to keep everyone out of harm’s way.” Reports confirmed, however, that many across the country have opted out of the feature after receiving a near-constant stream of alerts over the past several weeks.

[Eleanors38]

1. I don't know, the one in Jax hasn't gone off yet.

[KamaAina]

2. Why, there are NFL players in Jax eight times a year!

On the visiting team.

[madinmaryland]

3. You don't have to worry about Tony Romo getting alerted on...

He would fumble a "switch" before he was able to hit anyone.

[zappaman]

5. He certainly doesn't hit his receivers.

[madinmaryland]

6. He does hit the defenders!! Well, at least when he played the forty-whiners.

[KamaAina]

7. So instead of the kid crying, you'd see this?

[zappaman]

4. It seems like the NFL can't do anything right!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10025551354