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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsQueen Accepts Scotland’s Apology (The Borowitz Report)
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/queen-accepts-scotlands-apologyLONDON (The Borowitz Report) In the aftermath of Scotlands no vote in the referendum on becoming an independent country, Queen Elizabeth II, of Great Britain, took to the airwaves on Friday morning to inform the people of Scotland that she graciously and wholeheartedly accepted their apology.
Although the matter of independence has been settled, one question remains very much open, she said in an address televised across Scotland. And my answer to that question is this: yes, I forgive you.
The Queen made only scant reference to her obscenity-laden tirade on Thursday, in which she reamed the Scots for even considering breaking away from the United Kingdom.
Like any parent with a naughty child, I became a little cross, she said. I forgive you for provoking me.
The Queen ended Fridays address to the Scottish people on a conciliatory note. Let us all, each and every one of us, move forward now as one great nation, enjoying the benefits and the history of our glorious and historic union, she said. Even the forty-five percent of you who are wankers.
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Queen Accepts Scotland’s Apology (The Borowitz Report) (Original Post)
geardaddy
Sep 2014
OP
I should have known better than to be drinking iced tea when I read this....
ColesCountyDem
Sep 2014
#7
louis-t
(23,292 posts)1. Did she say "We are NOT amused."?
Borowitz kills me.
cwydro
(51,308 posts)2. Lmao! nt
Brother Buzz
(36,422 posts)3. Here's the backstory (yesterday's Borowitz Report)
Queen Rips Scottish Bastards in Angry Televised Address
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)In an eleventh-hour development that could have an unpredictable effect on the vote to determine Scottish independence, Queen Elizabeth II took to the British airwaves on Thursday to excoriate the Scots in a one-hour, profanity-laden tirade.
The Queens speech began with the phrase Listen, you Scottish bastards, and became steadily saltier as the monarch blasted her subjects for having the impudence to consider leaving the fold.
Ill make you heel like a litter of corgis, she said, as her rage reached a crescendo.
After the speech, British Prime Minister David Cameron made a desperate attempt at damage control, hoping to distance himself from the Queens paint-peeling rant.
The views of Her Majesty the Queen are her own, he said in a hastily prepared statement. Neither I nor my government consider the people of Scotland bloody wankers.
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)In an eleventh-hour development that could have an unpredictable effect on the vote to determine Scottish independence, Queen Elizabeth II took to the British airwaves on Thursday to excoriate the Scots in a one-hour, profanity-laden tirade.
The Queens speech began with the phrase Listen, you Scottish bastards, and became steadily saltier as the monarch blasted her subjects for having the impudence to consider leaving the fold.
Ill make you heel like a litter of corgis, she said, as her rage reached a crescendo.
After the speech, British Prime Minister David Cameron made a desperate attempt at damage control, hoping to distance himself from the Queens paint-peeling rant.
The views of Her Majesty the Queen are her own, he said in a hastily prepared statement. Neither I nor my government consider the people of Scotland bloody wankers.
tanyev
(42,552 posts)4. That's hysterical.
geardaddy
(24,926 posts)5. Yes!
Thanks for posting the link!
longship
(40,416 posts)6. Brilliant! As usual.
As Borowitz usually is.
R&K
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)8. Aren't corgis Welsh?
Shouldn't it have been a litter of Scotties?
Brother Buzz
(36,422 posts)10. Hell, even a True Scotsman knows you can't herd a Scottie
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)11. DUzy!
ColesCountyDem
(6,943 posts)7. I should have known better than to be drinking iced tea when I read this....
*wipes tea off of monitor and keyboard*
paleotn
(17,912 posts)9. Why doesn't GB go ahead and dump the monarchy?
I mean seriously, folks, get in the 21st century. They're nothing but a relic of an unenlightened past. Hell, they're just German usurpers anyway, since we all know the rightful monarchies of Great Britain are the Stewarts!
geardaddy
(24,926 posts)12. The rightful monarchs are the Tudors.
They were Welsh and came before the Stewarts.
awoke_in_2003
(34,582 posts)13. The queen's power is basically nil...
the British chose to pay to keep it alive for whatever reasons they have- maybe tradition, nostalgia, whatever. Either way, they chose to keep it around, and it isn't our place to tell them what to do. Oh, by the way- the OP is satire.