If we are going to have a death penalty, let's add crimes the death penalty will actually deter

[Kelvin Mace]

Last edited Wed Nov 19, 2014, 11:52 AM - Edit history (1)

Update for folks assuming I am seriously advocating this or wish to engage in a discussion of firearms safety: THIS IS SATIRE! Thank you for your attention.]

One of the top arguments for the death penalty is that it "deters" people from committing heinous crimes, like murder. This is patently not true, since most people kill in the heat of the moment and because getting the death penalty has more to do with your race, the race of your victim and how much of a defense you can afford to pay for.

But let's set that aside and look at crimes where the death penalty would actually deter a crime.

1) Political corruption

If you get caught taking a bribe or abusing the power of your office for personal gain then you should face the death penalty. You were granted a sacred trust by being elected/appointed to public office and you betrayed that trust. Political corruption is absolutely premeditated. The condemned will be slathered in bacon grease then thrown into a pit of jackals. Alternatively, a "first offense" rule may be allowed, wherein the public official is simply branded on the cheek with the name or corporate logo of the person/entity responsible for fomenting the corruption.

2) Injuring or killing someone while "cleaning your gun". A firearm either has bullets in it, or it does not. If it does, you do not "clean it". The penalty in this case will be death by firing squad cleaning their rifles.

3) Killing someone while driving drunk. If you intend to drink, then under no circumstances should you drive. You were sober when you decided to drink, you got drunk, now some one is dead and we need to be sure you NEVER kill anyone else. Means of execution will be drowning in a vat of very cheap beer.

4) Calling a number on the "Do Not Call" list. This one is special for two reasons: First, the penalty for the first ten offenses is not death, but simply removing one finger with an axe. Second, the penalty is applied not to just the telemarketer making the call, but the perpetrator's supervisor and the company CEO. Execution is mandated on the 11th offense, at which time the execution is carried out by 50 angry citizens who have had their time wasted by telemarketers, who will be allowed to beat the condemned to death with a phone receiver (from a pre-1980 pay phone).

5) Rioting because "your team won/lost the big game". Execution is by submerging in a vat containing a slurry made from Hippo feces and cat urine, which is then set on fire.

6) Aiding/abetting the false conviction of an innocent person by means of fraud/deceit/omission. If you have in anyway colluded to convict an innocent person of a capital crime and do so by suppressing/altering evidence, coercing a confession, suborning perjury, or providing false testimony, you are to be executed. Execution to take place immediately after the verdict is rendered, with no appeals allowed. Method of execution is to "humanely" kill you by injecting you with whatever drugs we can find in the medicine cabinets of the jury. In the event that nothing lethal can be found, the jury will simply sit on you until you suffocate.

Special counsel will be provided to the defendant in such cases and must meet one or more of the following qualifications:

a) Be a public defender with ZERO experience in death penalty cases and have a caseload of no less than 100 hours per week.

b) Have a blood alcohol content of no less than .20 during all proceedings.

c) Be an active heroin addict.

d) Be the innocent person you got convicted.

Special counsel may NOT be declined.

These are the crimes *I* think could be deterred by the death penalty. I am sure people around here can think of a few others along with appropriate means of execution.

[moriah]

1. Correction -- "All Guns Are Always Loaded" is the rule.

You never handle a firearm carelessly, even if you think it's unloaded -- like pulling the trigger with a laser sight on a kid's forehead.

You treat a firearm, always, as though it were loaded.

[Kelvin Mace]

6. So, no one should EVER be shot during firearm maintenance

right?

[moriah]

9. If you do it right, that is, by treating the gun as though it's loaded.

Clear it, check that it's cleared, and then break down the gun right away. There's no need to point the gun at anyone or pull the trigger during the process.

[Kelvin Mace]

10. And yet, not a week, perhaps not even a day, goes by that

I don't read a story where someone was shot "while cleaning his gun" (weirdly, I have not read "while cleaning HER gun". I am sure it must happen, but not enough to stick in my memory).

Again, I am aware of the First Rule of firearms safety, and accepting that as gospel, then I must assume that either these "accidents" were actually premeditated acts of homicide, or willful negligence to the point of being indistinguishable from premeditated acts of homicide, hence the mandate for the death penalty as a "deterrent".

When people killing people while cleaning guns are executed, then only people who REALLY, TRULY PINKY SWEAR mean to kill people will be allowed to own the equivalent power of a carrier strike force.

You are aware that I am engaging in satire, right?

[moriah]

16. I'm aware, and I don't understand pistol "cleaning accidents" at all.

It's that they're fucking around instead of cleaning their gun, not that they're cleaning their gun.

I'm not aware of a single firearm that requires a trigger pull to disassemble it.

Edit: here's how to disassemble my old gun. http://how-i-did-it.org/detail-1911/field_strip.html

[Kelvin Mace]

21. I am familiar with the process

as I have handled a few dozen types of firearms over the years, up to and including military weapons.

My personal theory is "I shot Fred while cleaning my gun" is the "The dog ate my homework" of excuses as to why Fred has a bullet in him. The reality is either:

a) You shot Fred deliberately.

b) You shot Fred while screwing around in a manner which involves a homicidal disregard for firearms safety.

That postulated, we need the person who shot Fred out of the gene pool.

[dilby]

2. Seems to kind of work in China. n/t

[Nye Bevan]

3. I thought you were being a little harsh, then I got to number 4,

and started nodding approvingly in spite of myself.

[hifiguy]

4. I'd add "Any financial fraud resulting the the loss

of $1 million or more by the defrauded parties." Penalty? Public guillotining on Wall $treet, televised LIVE by mandate on all business tv channels. If it's more than $5 million, breaking on the wheel drawing and quartering, then burning at the stake. Same place and conditions.

[Kelvin Mace]

7. Nah, crucifixion, first offense

I am feeling "traditional"

[Politicalboi]

5. I like these laws.

Especially for the politicians. They know if they've broken the law. The branding idea is great too.

[Orsino]

8. Killing people doesn't solve problems.

Inventing new excuses to kill even more, still less so.

[Kelvin Mace]

11. Again,

you are aware that I am engaging in a bout of cathartic satire, right?

[badtoworse]

12. This is a joke, right?

[gollygee]

14. This might be a clue

"execution is carried out by 50 angry citizens who have had their time wasted by telemarketers, who will be allowed to beat the condemned to death with a phone receiver (from a pre-1980 pay phone)."

[badtoworse]

20. I didn't get that far

[lonestarnot]

13. Ugh no. We do not have to have the death penalty. Maybe in your world but not in mine.

[Kelvin Mace]

15. Really? That is what you got out of what I wrote? Did you read all of it, or just the headline?

I am NOT advocating for the DEATH PENALTY, I am making a satirical point about its absurdity and unfairness.

Apparently no one gets that any more.

Oh, and spoilers: A Modest Proposal is not really advocating the eating of poor Irish children.

I would think that suggesting that chopping off the fingers of telemarketers and burning people alive in Hippo feces would have made that kind of obvious.

I have erred and will modify my post appropriately.

[lonestarnot]

17. So in the interest of fairness, no, I gave your post a quick once over, commented and moved on...

sorry.

[Kelvin Mace]

18. Thank you for your honesty

Given all of the really depressing news these days, I had turned to satire to trying and lighten the mood. This entire piece was inspired by my wife getting a call on her mobile from a telemarketer who spoofed her own number to evade blocking software. I wrote it to give voice to the violent fantasy playing out in my head and to lay bare the absurdity of the principal argument of death penalty advocates (it deters crimes) by suggesting the penalty be applied to crimes people would cheerfully support and which would actually act as a deterrent.

Also, if the death penalty were passed tomorrow for public corruption, you can be damned sure our political masters would abolish the death penalty the day after.

[FSogol]

19. What about using leaf blowers?

I'm anti-death penalty, but there is some wiggle room on leaf blowers.

[Kelvin Mace]

22. Glad to know some folks get my point here

I was falling into despair.

On the topic off leaf blowers I am quite forgiving provided they are never used before 9:00 AM on a weekend. Politeness requires a warning shot where they can see it if this rule is disregarded, but only one. I suggest using the warning shot on the leaf blower so as to have a "win-win" situation.