Men still hidden as victims of violence in the home

[grahamhgreen]

Last week Amen, a helpline a support service for male victims of domestic abuse, released its 2013 report, which detailed that 7,758 incidents of domestic abuse had been reported by 2,263 men last year. Since 2011 face- to-face meetings with men who reported abuse rose 64 per cent.

........

How can we expect more men to come forward as victims of violence in the home when exposing any kind of vulnerability is usurping this “norm”? And how can we expect men to report crimes perpetrated against them when we make fun of men as victims?

In Love/Hate a horrifying scene in the final episode in which one of the characters, Fran, was raped in prison with a broken snooker cue, was met with “jokes” on Twitter. If the victim had been a woman such attempts at jokes would have caused uproar. But for many commenting online it was clear men being raped was something to be laughed about, so uncomfortable and derogatory are we about men as victims.

Patriarchy doesn’t just punish women. It also places an unsustainable pressure on men to uphold a system that is rigid and stifling.

https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/men-still-hidden-as-victims-of-violence-in-the-home-1.2012221

[dawg]

1. Fear of looking weak or "unmanly" prevents many men from seeking help.

Not just for domestic violence; for everything.

As a society, we need to get past the rigid gender roles that have been holding us back in so many areas. But that is easier said than done.

[villager]

3. Yeah. Once when my ex-wife left bruises and bite marks on my body, I thought about reporting

...but decided it wasn't "worth it."

Was I embarrassed? Not (physically) hurt "that much?" Perhaps. Keeping the marriage together "for the kids?" Maybe. Though she would leave the marriage a couple years later, anyway.

I wonder if she would have gotten help sooner, had I reported, and what our paths would have been like.

There's probably no question that had I been the one leaving bruises and bite marks, "domestic violence" charges would have been inevitable.

[dawg]

7. Sorry you had to go through all of that.

I hope you eventually landed on your feet.

[Anansi1171]

13. Been there with the bruises and bite marks!

Recently, nearly in front of my kids, my wife stabbed me repeatedly with a car key.

I do not believe help exists, to be frank.

She wont leave, and largely due to her manic over spending we are near poverty though im back to work. Its 300 bucks to file for separation and that cant force her out.

[villager]

16. Man, I just replied to your post downthread!

Seems we've been down a similar road. The incident with the kicking and bite marks was in front of our kids, too, particularly our eldest -- who was a grade-schooler then.

He's an absolutely wonderful young man, but has yet to have a steady girlfriend. Sadly, I think he's wary of "dangerously crazy women," from what he witnessed, and I hope he's able to open up, and trust someone enough to be a partner, at some point.

The fact that his own relationship with his mother seems to be mending -- to give her credit, she's become slowly, steadily, more "integrated" over the years -- is hopefully a good sign in this regard.

Meanwhile, you're still going through all this, and it can absolutely be hellish. Still recounting the nights I had to spend no just on our couch, but on friends' couches, when the rage in our house had spun out of control.

have you thought of 12-Step groups as a starting point? I've used CODA -- the "Codependents Anonymous" one, to start to get a grip on my own "script," and enmeshment, in relationships I've had.

[Anansi1171]

17. Thank you, Brother. Im stuggling to type this.

I helps to know Im not alone. Im on that couch alot recently.

Im going to find a group as you mentioned. I need and have sought help but it always falls short of the intervention I need to get me and my kids to safety.

[villager]

19. Take care, and travel well.

Ultimately, being able to "defuse" these situations -- whatever that may mean for your circumstances -- will be a great benefit to your kids...

[Seeking Serenity]

4. I have a good friend, single not surprisingly,

who can and does in the same breath bemoan and condemn the rigid gender roles you referred to and then complain about men she goes out with who too emotional or too in touch with their feelings or similar complaints and wants to know where the "real" men are. I think what she really wants is for women to be freed from traditional gender roles but not men. She won't say that, though.

Women have to face some tough choices. We can't advocate for the breaking down of traditional gender roles and then complain about "whiny men," or use phrases like "man up," and the like.

How my friend doesn't go deaf from the cognitive dissonance is beyond me.

[dawg]

6. You've hit on something that I really think about a lot.

I kind of dream of being loved for who I am on the inside - insecurities, vulnerabilities and all. But I'm smart enough to realize that lots of women are repelled by that sort of thing.

I figure, all I can do is be myself.

[Seeking Serenity]

8. I'm gonna be honest here

And I am totally ashamed to say it, there were times when DH, the man I love unreservedly, has shown vulnerability or insecurity or something less than stoic strength and I distanced myself from him. And I did so because, I later realized, that his showing anything less than his rock-solid side made me feel insecure. So I punished him (in a way) for merely being human because it made ME scared. That's a totally narcissistic mindset.

I worked a lot on that in therapy. Now, instead of pushing him away, I offer him my shoulder, as he does to me (way more often).

[dawg]

12. That's how these attitudes get changed - one person, or couple, at a time.

Good on you for making the change.

[davidn3600]

10. A lot of women seem to struggle with this

They dont seem to understand that men are trapped in gender roles too. And a lot of feminists don't even recognize that it's a issue that is a direct barrier to their goals of equality.

Even feminists here have gotten angry at me when I said in here a few weeks ago that women have certain social expectations/demands of men. They thought it was a joke to suggest that women make demands of men. Apparently it's wrong for men to make sexist demands of women, but perfectly acceptable for women to keep men locked in gender roles. That's the mentality I get from a lot of women, including feminists.

That's called having your cake and eating it too. You'll never, ever achieve true gender equality that way.

[villager]

11. A lot about the gender role breakdown is still a one-way street...

I have a friend who makes this part of his stand-up act: i.e., "no, you be sure to bring home a paycheck, insure the roof and groceries are here, and I'll be the one exploring how to 'be free...,'" etc.

In my own experience, the Ex-wife always complained I was "wanking" whenever I tried to talk about feelings with her...

[davidn3600]

20. It does take a little effort to get that point across

And some feminists have figured it out that you can't defeat the patriarchy when women demand men fill patriarchal roles. It's counter-productive. But a lot of feminists don't like to admit this because it suggests women are playing into the problem. And it's the whole, "you're blaming the oppressed!" kind of thing.

But it's an area men get confused on. Feminists are telling men that women want equality and equal pay and GIRL POWER!, yet practically every woman we date in the real world expect us to bring home a bigger paycheck than them.

[uppityperson]

2. DV is wrong, no matter the genders of those involved.

[Ykcutnek]

5. I have an uncle and a male cousin who are both married to abusive spouses.

The problem is real.

[Anansi1171]

9. Thanks for posting. I am a male victim of a wife with...

...untreated bipolar disorder and she routinely abuses me, verbally and occasionally physically.

Her grandiosity, manic mood shifts between euphoria and disphoria have caused a living hell. Through job changes and struggling to make ends meet, I have never heard of a resource that would put me up with my children as may be available if I was a woman. Black and with no criminal record, ive feared calling police.

Ive accepted that society cares very little about domestic violence and mental illness.

[villager]

14. My Ex didn't get any treatment for her own "bipolarity" until after our marriage collapsed.

Years later, our sons nearly grown, she's a lot easier to get along with.

As for your situation though, know that I've been there, and know exactly what you're going through. (Well, except that, not being black, that didn't become an "additional factor" for me in whether to call the police...!)

[Anansi1171]

15. Thanks Villager!-nt

[cyberswede]

18. Yep: "Patriarchy doesn’t just punish women."

Patriarchy doesn’t just punish women. It also places an unsustainable pressure on men to uphold a system that is rigid and stifling.

...and hopefully, the stigma of reporting will fade.

[Behind the Aegis]

21. Sadly, all too common.

Another problem is abuse in GL relationships. Sadly, our community doesn't often talk about it and can be quite nasty toward the victims. I still don't fully understand why it is so. One would think with the abuse many of us grew up with, we wouldn't tolerate it in others from our own community. Mine was emotional abuse and no one believed me, until one day, one of my best friend watched it play out. She was not pleased.

I have known more than a few straight men in abusive relationships. Most were emotional, a few were physical. To my knowledge, none ever reported it or sought help. Men can be beaten down too, and sadly, most people respond with "man up!"

[villager]

22. For some reason, BtA, I'd always hoped GL relationships could at least get past the "usual"

...dynamic which society reinforces with straight relationships, if for no other reason that in most cases, GL relationships are viewed as "transgressive" by society itself.

Still, I guess as humans none of us really manage to leave our "baggage at the station," and instead keep traveling with it, eh?