A Cancervatives' Guide to Problem-solving
Problem: I'm cold.
Solution: Light yourself on fire.
Problem: I have two hungry kids.
Solution: Feed one to the other.
Problem: My car uses twice as much gas as others.
Solution: Make your wife push it half way. Mush! Mush!
Problem: I lost my job.
Solution: Get good at giving them. It's a recession-proof industry.
Problem: My house got robbed.
Solution: Rob your neighbors and call it a crime wave.
Problem: Someone ran over my dog.
Solution: Keep them forever in your heart, in the form of cholesterol. Don't skimp on the paprika.
Problem: Global warming.
Solution: Deny that Earth is a globe.
Problem: Human rights abuses.
Solution: Demand that all species be treated equally bad.
Problem: I'm fat.
Solution: Call women fat so they think you're in their league.
Problem: Racism.
Solution: Only allow one race in America so it never comes up.
