Say, you guys! Do any of you want to attend a course on managing passive aggressive behaviour?

[sibelian]

Last edited Sun Mar 22, 2015, 08:07 PM - Edit history (1)

No. You don't, do you?




Sigh.




Well, never mind.



No, no, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It's fine. I'm sure you have more important things to concern yourselves with.


I guess I'll just... take the course myself.

[RKP5637]

1. Why didn't you ask me sooner, oh never mind, I've got something else to do. I'll just

go by myself sometime, 'cause I know you won't ask again. You just go have fun, don't worry about me!

[sibelian]

5. Oh OK, sure. Sure, you do that, buddy.

Knock yourself out, big guy. When you go by yourself. I'm sure you'll have a ball.

Enjoy your course.








.... sigh

[RKP5637]

7. ...

[Liberal_in_LA]

2. .

[Jefferson23]

3. lol

nicely done.

[KittyWampus]

4. Sure- you first.

I think that is passive aggressive?

[sarisataka]

6. I would love to take the course with you!

Not that I'm the one who needs to go.

just sayin'

[sibelian]

8. OK, fine. Fine.

That's fine. I'm sure you... know your own strengths. I guess.

It's, uh.... all good.

[hifiguy]

9. Don't need it. I live in Minnesota.

Minnesota Nice is the ultimate refinement of passive-aggressive behavior.

[SharonAnn]

32. Oh, I think "southern nice" is the ultimate refinement.

[ashling]

39. Well, bless your heart

[Nye Bevan]

10. Fine. Fine. Sure. Whatever. (nt)

[sibelian]

11. Thanks for your input, Nye.

Very. Um.... helpful.

[Jesus Malverde]

12. Lemme get back to you with a reply.

[sibelian]

17. Oh, well, I guess you're busy, huh?

You do seem to be a busy little bee, don't you? Always busy. Lots and lots to do.

No problem.

[lumberjack_jeff]

13. Oh, right... like I don't have anything better to do.

[sibelian]

14. Well, jeff, if that's how you feel, I suppose that's... just how you feel.

I'm sure your life is just STUFFED with all sorts of excitements.

Have, uh "fun".



xxxx

s

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

15. I guess I could go.

I wouldn't want you to feel obligated to go yourself if you don't want to.

I'll have to bow out of something else but that's OK. It's just my sick little daughter's fifth birthday, but she won't mind too much if I'm not there. This might be her last birthday, but I'll make it up to her by taking her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow. I just don't want to inconvenience you.

It's fine. Just tell me where it meets and I'll try not to be late; I'm a bit slow these days because of my broken leg, but I'll manage.

Thanks so much for inviting me.

[sibelian]

19. ooooh myyy gooooosh.

That is so AWFUL for you. Your sick little daughter's fifth and last birthday. You trooper. I guess I should have known about that before asking you on the course, huh? Well, there you go. I suppose it's just kinda normal for us, isn't, Velveteen Ocelot, somehow I always seem to miss out on all the important things in your life. I suppose I've not really been paying enough attention to you, have I?

Self-absorption's such a weakness.

Don't you worry yourself about it, what with your broken leg. My goodness what a terrible time you've been having with that leg. How many passive aggressive behaviour management courses have you missed now? I think it's all of them, isn't it, and all because of that one leg! You and me just have the worst luck, don't we.

Don't bother yourself. I'll go for both of us. Despite my tumour.

Ouch. Ouch.

NO, NO. It's fine. I can manage.

[treestar]

20. well done

[NuclearDem]

16. Hey, so, sibelian, you gotta second for me?

By any chance have you seen my toothbrush?

[sibelian]

21. Oh, the toothbrush, huh?

Lost your toothbrush. Again.

Oh, well. Seconding it is. Again.

[msanthrope]

18. I guess. I mean, I guess the leaky toilet can wait. I can buy earplugs

so that when it runs all night again tonight it doesn't keep me up. And the light over the sink. I can just bring in a nightlight to do my makeup. Or I can just sit here alone, in the dark. It's fine. What time is the course?

[awoke_in_2003]

22. I would love to give a passive agressive reply...

but I lean more toward aggressive aggressive

[sibelian]

27. Well.... I guess this thread just isn't for you then.

I'm sorry.

I tried.

[awoke_in_2003]

28. I bet you are

[rhett o rick]

23. Why would you think that I can manage my passive agressive behavior?

I don't think I am able to manage it. In fact, I don't think I want to manage it. I like it just fine.

[sibelian]

25. OMG, I'm sooooo sorry.

Look at me - lecturing you about your needs. Assuming it's my business. Well. What does that say about me, huh? You probably think I'm being patronising or something. Me and my big fat neurotic personality flaws. I do seem to have an awful lot of them, don't I.

Well, I guess this thread's of no real use to you. We could probably have predicted that, couldn't we, Rhett O Rick?






sigh.

[rhett o rick]

36. Well, OK! If you are driving.

Maybe we can stop by the store on the way home.

[Tom Ripley]

24. Perhaps...

[sibelian]

34. Fair enough, Tom, fair enough.

I know.... it's a commitment. And in the hustle bustle world, commitment's a big thing for some people, isn't it? I entirely understand.

I guess I'll just find out when it happens. You know, if it happens.

I suppose it's just the way things are.

Oh, well.

Never mind.

[frogmarch]

26. “My Friend Luke”

is a funny short story I read the other day about passive-aggressive behavior.

http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/FrieLuke.shtml

snip:

In order not to inconvenience anyone, he always walks sideways. Instead of saying 'Excuse me', he prefers to glide by one side. If the gap is so narrow that it will not allow him to pass, Luke waits patiently until the obstruction -- be it animate or inanimate, rational or irrational -- moves by itself. Stray dogs and cats panic him, and in order to avoid them he constantly crosses from one side to of the road to another.

He speaks with a very thin, subtle voice, so inaudible that it is hard to tell if he is speaking at all. He has never interrupted anybody. On the other hand, he can never manage more than two words without somebody interrupting him. This does not seem to irritate him; in fact, he actually appears happy to have been able to utter those two words.

His behavior changes drastically whenever he gets on the bus:

Luke's resources are plentiful and diverse.

When he has to travel standing up, he always keeps his jacket unbuttoned, carefully adjusting his posture so that the lower edge of his jacket hits the face or the eyes of those sitting down.

If anyone is reading, they are easy prey for Luke. Watching him or her closely, Luke places his head near the light so as to throw a shadow on the victim's book. Every now and then he withdraws his head as if by chance. The reader will anxiously devour one or two words before Luke moves back into position.

My friend Luke knows the times when the bus will be fully packed. On those occasions, he consumes a salami sandwich and a glass of red wine. Then, with breadcrumbs and threads of salami still between his teeth and pointing his mouth towards the other passenger's noses, he walks along the vehicle shouting loudly, 'Excuse me'.

~~

[sibelian]

29. Yup.

That's them.

[sibelian]

30. I wonder how Luke would behave on the Internet?

[frogmarch]

35. "Just sayin'"

Not all PAs put "just sayin'" in their posts, and not all people who do are PAs, but sometimes it's a little clue.

Just sayin'.

[sibelian]

38. There are SO MANY ways of ACTUALLY saying "I don't mean anything particularly serious about this"

that are SO MUCH more human and ordinary sounding than "just sayin'" that I want to throw things at the screen whenever I see that little turd appear. It makes me want to throttle people!!!

Oh, and this---- >

As if that even needed indicating. It's gotten to the stage for me that the non-ironic use of that thing is now serious criteria for Direct To Ignore - Do Not Pass Go - Do Not Collect $200.

[whereisjustice]

31. Sure, let me check my schedule, hmm, looks like I'm booked up. I'll get back to you.

[sibelian]

37. Ohhhhh, yeah, your schedule.

Last edited Sun Mar 22, 2015, 05:35 PM - Edit history (1)

Whereisjustice aaaaaaand the schedule! You know, I just do not know how I would handle your schedule, I don't think ANYONE AROUND HERE could handle your schedule, you tireless hero, whereisjustice, you never seem to have the time for ANYTHING. You must feel like a wet rag. Oh noooooo! Don't be silleeeee of course I'm not talking about how you look, gosh, I'm SO sorry, had no idea you were so sensitive.

[whereisjustice]

42. oh, no bother at all, I've got all the time in the world to respond to posts like this, in fact

I canceled the dinner I was planning to have with my family so I could make more time for such IMPORTANT individuals like yourself. I mean they'll get over it. If there's anything else I can do, don't hesitate to ask, since my arthritis and bad back isn't so bad that I can't do some research for you before the pain causes me to black out, it's all good.

I hope you don't mind that I went out of my way to find this link for you here

[sibelian]

45. Ohhhh myyyyy GOODNESS I had no idea I was putting you out so much, whereisjustice

and what a fantastic little link you found for me there, that is going SSSSSS T R A I G H T into my bookmarks.

YES.

WHAT a little gem.





(.... !!!!! )





No I seriously wouldn't dream of asking anything more of you, you poor thing, what with arthritis and your family and schedule and your link-finding which you seem to have the time for despite the schedule and OFF YOU GO and enjoy your time with your family and your arthritis. ABOVE AND BEYOND the call of duty, whereisjustice. That's YOU ALL OVER, buddy.

ABOVE... AND... BEYOND...









( !!!! )

[seabeyond]

33. seeing how passive aggressive your OP is, that might be a good move. no thank you. there is

nothing passive about my agressiveness, so no need to take a course since i do not do it.

[Bobbie Jo]

40. Lame. Just logged on to...

/hide thread.

[Populist_Prole]

41. As long as "managing it" doesn't mean reigning it in

I love to wield passive agression with gusto against those that deserve it. It's the only way to whack someone upside the head with a two-by-four, without actually phisically whacking them with one.

[sibelian]

53. Hm!

I dunno about that. In my experience most of those indulging in passive aggressive behaviour have no idea they're doing it.

[Populist_Prole]

55. Fair enough

The dynamic was present before I knew there was a term for it. Knowing there was an "official" term for it just served to legitimize it and embolden me. I'm like that.

It's so so so much fun to use against those in authority that are obviously less intelligent; there's an element of "rope-a dope" to it: Fucking with their heads and they don't even know it.

[LadyHawkAZ]

43. Did you already get a ticket? You already got a ticket,didn't you?

No, fine, it's fine, just... you might have mentioned it a little sooner, but it's fine...

I bet they're sold out already.

[sibelian]

50. ....oh.

So, you didn't know? I see. Okay, well... it's kinda silly I actually kinda thought it would be a thing for you seeing as how you're all "interpersonal" and stuff.

Honestly, I was kind of surprised it was me posting this thread, I totally expected you to do it. But, you know, it's okay, I can organise it.

It's just that, you know. Passive aggressive behaviour's not really my area of expertise.

Disengenuous? ME?

I have NO idea what you're talking about.

[hunter]

44. What did I do now?

Mastering the art of passive aggressive behavior takes a lot of specialized training.

Most people acquire the skills from their parents.

My parents were fine. They wouldn't recognize passive-aggressive behavior from others if it slapped them in the face. I was the beneficiary of a feral childhood. I could get into trouble at school, leap the fence to escape, and whenever a panicked school administrator would call my mom she'd say, "That's okay, he'll probably be home for dinner." And I usually was, at least until I quit high school.

That may have been extreme passive-aggressiveness on my mom's part but I don't think so, and anyways, it had nothing to do with me.

I honed all my own passive aggressive skills in school and the workplace. Playground bullies, bad teachers, and bad bosses expect passive aggressive behavior. If they don't see it they get very uncomfortable. My university senior thesis was a finely honed passive aggressive "Fuck You!" and they let me graduate. If I'd written what I truly thought I might have been excluded forever from any further educational and employment opportunities.

For anyone who hasn't been trained to accept punishment from early childhood, punishment is useless as a behavioral modification tool. There's no reason at all for a kid who fears no punishment to become passive aggressive.

Passive-aggressive behavior directed toward me rolls off my back like water off a duck.

[sibelian]

47. I don't think that's passive aggressive...

Passive aggressive, to me, is about setting up expectations. In particular, it's about setting up expectations that you know the person you're aiming at can't meet, or has no real responsibility of meeting, and/or you signal that you have no faith in their meeting the expectation.

It's basically about setting up a relationship between the passive aggressive agent and the recipient of the passive aggression such that the recipient can't really resolve it in any way (or at least without it costing them something), and also without the appearance of the emitter of the passive aggression having been instrumental in setting up the relationship. The passive aggressive individual will place their own agency outwith analysis of the situation, their own position is "normal" and inescapable for them (even though they may have any number of other options). Also, it's the discomfort of the recipient that forms the primary goal of the passive aggression, not the meeting of the expectation.

It comes in all sorts of wonderful flavours. One of the most enduring games is permitting only one of two options to the person that "owes" you something, but in fact both of the options are unacceptable to you.

So, I dunno. Is that what fits your experiences?

I think you're right about the absence of punishment forming a barrier against this kind of thing. Passive aggression only works on people with a need to cooperate, or, to put it slightly better, doesn't work on people who have a strong sense of their own boundaries. If you're the kind of person that doesn't think wanting something is the same as deserving it it's almost impossible to be manipulated by someone who does.

[Anansi1171]

46. Why are you suggesting I need this course, I'm black and male so its obvious.

Forget it.

Nevermind.

Thanks alot!

[sibelian]

49. Well, naturally, how could gay guy like ME have assumed such a ridiculous thing?

I feel SO embarassed now. Just, you know. So, so embarassed.

Sigh.

So, yeah.

It's cool, it's cool.




(.... limp-wristed fistbump)

[Scootaloo]

48. See, if you hadn't asked me with that tone, I'd agree to go with you!

But now? No chance, nuh -uh

[sibelian]

51. .... tsk....

Siiiiiigggggh.

If you say soooo.....

[liberal N proud]

52. Is that to manage mine or someone else?

[sibelian]

54. I would not DREAM of presuming to suggest that you would require such a course for your behaviour.

Dear liberal N proud.

No, I would not DREAM of it.






DRAMATIC PAUSE.






It's just that, you know, I think sometimes people can learn things about themselves when learning how to manage other people. Ya know. Seems to me.

So. There you go. It was really just a suggestion. Just a thought. It's not something that's DIRECTED AT SPECIFIC PEOPLE. It's just... an idea. That's all.






Sigh.

[Major Nikon]

56. Master course...

[sibelian]

59. Well, I never did. Your plaque.

Doesn't that just bring back the memories. From such a..... looooooooooooooong time ago.

Fantastic joke of yours, of course, Major Nikon. Super bit of humour there when you erected that plaque. Just a great, great joke.

Right in the middle of my parking space.

I have to say I really did laugh a great deal, thinking about all the times we discussed that tree, you and I. Really.

I suppose it was a little selfish of me campaigning to get rid of the tree. And you know what, my asthma's not really gotten any better despite all the fresh air I'm getting having to walk 15 miles to work every day, so who's to say driving would have improved anything?

Cough.

Cough.

No, no. Cough. I'm fine. I can just... cough... if I could just get the neck brace off... Ow, no. No, the neck still isn't any better either, cough ow.

[LiberalAndProud]

57. Bless your heart.

[sibelian]

60. Well, thanks for that, LiberalAndProud. Thanks.

From the bottom, yes, the very bottom of my recently blessed heart.





(reproachful stare)

[cwydro]

58. Best thread ever!

[sibelian]

66. Great, thanks.

So, no pressure then.

[Zorra]

61. If I wanted to take this one step further,

I'd say I would take the course with you, and then not show up for it.

[sibelian]

62. !

"Oh, Zorra, you don't have to PRETEND to want to do things with me...."

[flying rabbit]

63. Hilarious thread

If serious political discussion is not your thing. I appreciate you sharing your issues, because I don't have any of my own. I would love to attend, but I am volunteering at a soup kitchen for homeless kitties. Next week maybe? I might be busy saving endangered weasels - so no promises. K?

[sibelian]

65. Well, hello there flying rabbit, you weaselly kitten person.

Animals, animals, animals. We all love animals don't we. It must be so nice to be so free of personal issues and simultaneously so interested in animals. How is the menagerie, incidentally? Managed to get the numbers down? Wasn't it 87 cats last time? It's so generous of you to support their bedraggled lives in that tiiiiiiny apartment of yours.

I'm sure we'll have plenty of time for serious political discussion after your weasels. Or maybe you could have some serious discussion with the weasels! Ho ho ho. Ha ha. That's a funny joke, isn't it?



(baleful glare)

[SidDithers]

64. Hehe...

Sid

[NCTraveler]

67. Needed someone to offer this to me over a decade ago.

It is a learned behavior that still gets the best of me. It is often a result of ones family structure/style when growing up. Working every day on removing it from my life. Still have a ways to go. Many of us who employee passive aggressive behavior don't recognize it. This would actually be a great conversation for DU if it weren't for that one aspect. Hard to educate people on a topic they don't want to address.

[Orsino]

68. Fine. Since you seem to think I need it. n/t

[sibelian]

69. Oh, my heavens, no! I don't think ANY OF US could tell YOU what you need, Orsino.

I think I speak for all of us when I say you've always been very clear on your needs. Very.... VERY clear.

[Orsino]

70. I apologize.

Didn't realize you were saying I don't need it.

Thanks.

[sibelian]

72. ... sigh. *Thank* you.

I...



DRAMATIC PAUSE....



ACCEPT your apology.

[cherokeeprogressive]

71. I think it should be "DON'T you want to attend..."

That's how my ex-wife would have asked. Can't remember how many times she asked questions like "Didn't you need to turn there?"

[sibelian]

73. OMFG

Blackboard... nails...